hello,

These are some fragments of an essay. Please could you look at it and correct grammar and vocab. mistakes.

Medicine, when it comes to treating people, as well as national health organizations in many countries is a hot issue.
A lot of concerns and complaints are being raised especially in the countries where the health insurance system does not work the way it should work or is expected to work.
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The doctors who are money oriented work many hours a day. This is and exaggaration if they say that they have to work for so long to make ends meet.
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The problem of overcrowded and dirty clinics and hospitals, doctors who help unwillingly can be blamed on the government. In the end , this is the government that is responsible for the health insurance system.
The above contributes a lot to people's attitude and because of those facts many people don't trust medicine.
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Medicine is a scince that helps us not only to extend our live but also fight our more or less serious disorders making our live easier.

thanks for help
Hi, I'm the newcomer in this forum. I've looked through your essay and find these , according to me should be rewritten:
- 'it should work or is expected to work' just 'it should or is expected'
-'The doctors who are money oriented' : this sentence is somewhat vauge , I think, may change as: doctors who consider money as an incentives
to be honest , why don't you rewrite the whole text as I'm afraid that it is a little bit confusing in structures
Hope to see your better essays
Hello Lihn and welcome to the forum. We look forward to seeing lots of posts from you, and perhaps you'll send us one of your essays.

The forum exists to help people with their questions about English.English can be a difficult language to learn, so we always try to be encouraging. We enjoy debating, and we don't always agree, so you will find lots of opinions here.
to be honest , why don't you rewrite the whole text as I'm afraid that it is a little bit confusing in structures Hope to see your better essays


I'm sure you didn't intend this to sound discouraging or rude. Yogi has posted the text here to ask for advice, which is what the forum is for.

So I hope you won't mind if I offer you a few grammatical pointers:

Hi, I'm a newcomer to this forum. I've looked through your essay and I have found these phrases which I feel should be rewritten:

- 'it should work or is expected to work' just 'it should or is expected' I'm afraid that's not quite correct. I think yogi's sentence is better.

-'The doctors who are money oriented' : I think that this sentence is somewhat vague. you could change it to : doctors who consider money as an incentives I'm afraid this is not quite correct either. "an" is singular, so incentive should be used. "money-oriented" is exactly what yogi wanted to say, I think.

to be honest , why don't you rewrite the whole text as I'm afraid that I find the structure a little bit confusing. Hope to see some better essays from you
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Hi Yogi,

You seem to have worked hard on this, and have some good ideas. I have tried not to make too many changes.

When it comes to giving medical teatment, The organisation of national health services is a hot issue in many countries. A lot of concerns and complaints are being raised, especially in countries where the health insurance system does not work the way it should work or is expected to work.

Money-oriented doctors work many hours a day, and then say that they have to work for so long to make ends meet.

The problem of overcrowded and dirty clinics and hospitals and doctors who help unwillingly can be blamed on the government. In the end it is the government that is responsible for the health insurance system.

The above contributes a lot to people's attitudes and it is because of this that many people don't trust medicine.

Medicine is a science that helps us not only to extend our life but also treats and prevents serious disease and disorders, making our lives easier
Thank you Abbie very much.
I'm very grateful to you for your help.
I apprecite the fact that you didn't rewrite the whole text but just corrected what needed correction. I think that's the best way I can see what I've done wrong.

Please, could you help me to clear my doubts?
1)
My first sentence must have been very clumsy, what I meant by it was
"Medicine (part of medeicne that concerns treating people) and national health organizations as two things are a hot issue.
I hope this time I put it better, could you help me with this?, please

2)
what is the difference between "Money-oriented doctors work many hours a day" and "The doctors who are money oriented work many hours a day"?

I thought that my version put more emphasis.

3) Can we not say "medicine fights diseases" or "medicine fights with/against diseases"?

Thanks

p.s.
I would like to mention that if the text is a little bit confusing (as Linh said) it is because of the fact that I put only some fragments of my essay in here. I don't want to bother anybody with reading my essay. I didn't put in here the sentences about which I don't have doubts.
I just experiment here with some grammar structures and expressions and I think that's what studying a foreign language is about.
I would like to mention that if the text is a little bit confusing (as Linh said) it is because of the fact that I put only some fragments of my essay in here


I didn't find it confusing, yogi, because you said that it was fragments of your essay.
"Medicine (part of medeicne that concerns treating people) and national health organizations as two things are a hot issue.


Sorry - I misunderstood there. Perhaps you could try:

"In many countries, medical treatment and national health organisations are a hot issue.
what is the difference "Money-oriented doctors work many hours a day" and "The doctors who are money oriented work many hours a day"?


Really, they both mean the same thing. Your original sentence is actually fine, if you just remove the definite article: Doctors who are money oriented work many hours a day

Can we not say "medicine fights diseases" or "medicine fights with/against diseases"?


I think I would opt for medicine fights disease, but use "disease" in the singular form, which becomes an uncountable noun, and means all sorts of diseases generally.

i think this is now better than my original answer, because it seesm to be what you want to say, and more in your own words.

Keep up the good work!

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Thank you Abbie.
HI Abbie and Yogi
I din't mean to hurt anyone it was just my point of view. Admittedly, I din't notice it was a fragment. May be I was an armchair critic . Bye
Ps: thank you Abbie for your correction.
Hi Lihn, and welcome.
I din't notice it was a fragment


That's OK - it's an easy thing to do, and I've done it myself. I hope we'll see more posts from you soon. Emotion: smile
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