O.k I had a thesis statement ready to go until I was told by my 11 year old son that it didn't make any sense. Can someone see if this makes sense PLEASE. My Persuasive Essay is on Performance-Enhancing Drugs in Sports.

Thesis Statement.

All athletes should be required to take a drug test before any sporting event they participate in to make sure that the playing field is leveled out equally for all competing athletes.
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Well, it makes perfect sense, but it could be phrased a little more neatly and concisely:

All athletes should be required to take a drug test before any sporting event to ensure a level playing field for all competitors.

You must keep in mind, however, that you have incorporated (and very nicely, too!) a sports idiom which will probably have to be explained to the reader within the introduction of the essay: level playing field = equal competitive opportunity.

Nice topic; good luck with your essay. And don't mind your son; mine is as critical of me.
Here is what I have so far on my essay. Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so very much.

Do sports and drugs mix?

Since the dawn of time it seems that you can’t think of sports without some sort of drug scandal creeping into the thought as well. It’s not just baseball that is tainted with scandal; it is every sport from football to gymnastics.

When you think of sports what comes to mind? The different sporting events, the many unique players that make up their sport or the drug scandals spread throughout. Maybe it’s a little bit of each. To level the playing field for those players that chose to not to use performance-enhancing drugs why don’t the big wigs drug test everyone before their game or events that they are in. It’s bad enough that sports players have more perks than the normal civilian, if my brother who played baseball in high school would have used steroids to help his game he would have been kicked off the team. So why isn’t the same true for professional sports players? Maybe the owners of the teams don’t want to lose their star players so they cover it up somewhat, but why not drug test each and every one of the players so that there aren’t any “favorites” that way when someone comes up positive they can be reprimanded in the proper, professional manner.

Not only do the players that use performance-enhancing drugs get an unfair advantage they also put themselves at risk for many different things from sterility, infertility, liver damage to even death. Are the risks worth all that? Some players may think so.

There are many different types of performance-enhancing drugs that players can use to help them in their sport. One type is Anabolic Steroids. This type of drug increases muscle strength by encouraging new muscle growth. They also allow the person using them to train harder and longer for any given period. Yet this drug has damaging side effects, liver damage, sterility in men and infertility in women, and it can lead to death.

Another type of performance enhancer is (hGH) Human Growth Hormone, while this natural and important for human growth, especially in children and teenagers, excessive hGH levels increase muscle mass. Some of the side effects of this drug include overgrowth of hands, feet, and face, enlarged internal organs, and heart problems.

If theses drugs were safe for use by athletes or anyone for that matter, then why can they lead to the players’ early death? Because they over stimulate the natural growth of the body and it’s muscles and organs.

Sammy Sosa admitted to using performance-enhancers while playing baseball and stated “ Steroids are very lethal and very bad for you.” Many fans of sports feel cheated having learned that some of their favorite athletes have admitted to using performance-enhancers to increase their “game.” Dr. Dean Edell said “Most drugs, steroids, or supplements don't live up to their billing and even if they did, the side effects can be dangerous to your health.” If doctors will tell you that these drugs are not safe for consumption then why do people take them and use them on a regular basis? To make them feel good about themselves. To give them a better advantage over the “regular” players. To make them stand out above everyone else in their game or sport. These seem like the logical answers.

One classmate of mine in high school used steroids for 3 years while playing football and was the quarter back of our team. Everyone thought he was going to make it to the NFL but during our senior year of high school he was drug tested before the homecoming game and was found to be positive. When confronted with this information only then did he admit that he had been using steroids on a regular basis for 3 years. He was immediately kicked off the team and stripped of the chance to play football in college. He was labeled a druggie and a fake by everyone in town. No one wanted to be associated with him from that point on. Fellow classmates wouldn’t talk to him and so he and his family moved but not before he gave a speech to everyone in our school. He stated “I know what I did was wrong and I know the risks that I was taking when I chose to take steroids but I wanted to be the best player I could be and I thought this was the way to be that “Star” player, it made me that star player for awhile. I am sorry that I hurt our school and my fellow players and I only wish that I could go back and undo the damage I have caused.”
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Hi Crazy-- I finally got here. I have added some comments in brackets after underlined 'problems':

Do Sports and Drugs Mix?

Since the dawn of time [a ridiculous exaggeration; delete it] it seems that you can’t [do not use contractions in essays: change to cannot] think of sports without some sort of drug scandal creeping into the thought as well. It’s [contraction: it is] not just baseball that is tainted with scandal; it is every sport from football to gymnastics.

When you think of sports, what comes to mind? The different sporting events, the many unique players that make up their sport or the drug scandals spread throughout. Maybe it’s a little bit of each. [the first is not a complete sentence; the second is an afterthought: combine them into a single complete sentence: 'What probably comes to mind is....'] To level the playing field for those players that chose not to use performance-enhancing drugs, why don’t the big wigs [slang: change to officials] drug test everyone before their game or events that they are in? It’s [It is. I won't make this note for further contractions below] bad enough that sports players have more perks than the normal civilian [wrong word; civilian is the opposite of soldier; use e.g. person], if my brother, who played baseball in high school, would have used [wrong verb form: use had used] steroids to help his game he would have been kicked off the team. So [essentially conversational and meaningless; delete] why isn’t the same true for professional sports players? Maybe the owners of the teams don’t want to lose their star players, so they cover it up somewhat, but why not drug test each and every one of the players so that there aren’t any favorites? That way, when someone comes up positive they can be reprimanded in the proper, professional manner.

OK, I'm going to stop here, Crazy, and leave you with some general comments to take into consideration for your essay revision.

First, I think your essay so far is quite good. Your flow of language is natural, easy to follow, straightforward and to the point-- and these are key features of a good essay. You have an admirable ease of expression.

A big potential problem (and I say potential because it much depends on who is grading your essay) is that it is overall too informal in register: you are writing naturally, and much as you would speak. If your teacher requires a more formal approach to essay composition (and most do), then your use of contractions (
isn't, don't), slang and casual English (bigwigs, kicked off, perks), and conversational structures (What comes to mind? The events, the players.... That way,...) are going to lose you points. In your revision, put your head to saying what you want to say in a more formal manner and with a more formal vocabulary. It is easy to go overboard on this (and most essayists in fact do, making their writing turgid and convoluted in the process), but trying to be bit more businesslike in language should improve your essay. For the rest below, I shall just embolden some areas to think about:

Not only do the players that use performance-enhancing drugs get an unfair advantage they also put themselves at risk for many different things from sterility, infertility, liver damage to even death. Are the risks worth all that? Some players may think so.

There are many different types of performance-enhancing drugs that players can use to help them in their sport. One type is Anabolic Steroids. This type of drug increases muscle strength by encouraging new muscle growth. They also allow the person using them to train harder and longer for any given period. Yet this drug has damaging side effects, liver damage, sterility in men and infertility in women, and it can lead to death.

Another type of performance enhancer is (hGH) Human Growth Hormone, while this natural and important for human growth, especially in children and teenagers, excessive hGH levels increase muscle mass. Some of the side effects of this drug include overgrowth of hands, feet, and face, enlarged internal organs, and heart problems.

If theses drugs were safe for use by athletes or anyone for that matter, then why can they lead to the players’ early death? Because they over stimulate the natural growth of the body and it’s muscles and organs.

Sammy Sosa admitted to using performance-enhancers while playing baseball and stated “ Steroids are very lethal and very bad for you.” Many fans of sports feel cheated having learned that some of their favorite athletes have admitted to using performance-enhancers to increase their “game.” Dr. Dean Edell said “Most drugs, steroids, or supplements don't live up to their billing and even if they did, the side effects can be dangerous to your health.” If doctors will tell you that these drugs are not safe for consumption then why do people take them and use them on a regular basis? To make them feel good about themselves. To give them a better advantage over the “regular” players. To make them stand out above everyone else in their game or sport. These seem like the logical answers.

One classmate of mine in high school used steroids for 3 [write out small numbers: three] years while playing football and was the quarter back of our team. Everyone thought he was going to make it to the NFL but during our senior year of high school he was drug tested before the homecoming game and was found to be positive. When confronted with this information only then did he admit that he had been using steroids on a regular basis for 3 years. He was immediately kicked off the team and stripped of the chance to play football in college. He was labeled a druggie and a fake by everyone in town. No one wanted to be associated with him from that point on. Fellow classmates wouldn’t talk to him and so he and his family moved but not before he gave a speech to everyone in our school. He stated “I know what I did was wrong and I know the risks that I was taking when I chose to take steroids but I wanted to be the best player I could be and I thought this was the way to be that “Star” player, it made me that star player for awhile. I am sorry that I hurt our school and my fellow players and I only wish that I could go back and undo the damage I have caused.”

So far so good. Study the use of the comma- there are a number of grammar websites. Do not abuse quotation marks.

Good luck!
MM
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I cannot tell you how much you have helped me.

Sincerely,

Cassandra
The analogy "playing field" should not be in the thesis, it makes it rather confusing. Make it a straight forward comment and possibly save the analogy for later in the paper, if at all.
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It doesn't make since
What would be three more good thesis statments?
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