My topic is:

Most medical doctors want to work in cities where they will make a lot of money. Yet in many rural areas there are not enough doctors. What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?


My essay:

In this day and age, many medical doctors have chosen to move to major cities in exchange for a better living condition. However, this trend has created a shortage of doctor resources in some rural areas. This essay will discuss some underlying reasons for this issue and propose some possible solutions.
In the first place, it is a natural predisposition for some doctors to relocate to urban areas to make their end meets. In some big cities, the demand for medical services are much higher compared with the rural areas due to higher population density and also better healthcare services. Therefore, it will be much easier for doctors to find a job after graduating and getting a decent life later. Moreover, if they are an expert or getting a Phd degree, they will have a chance to get promoted and having a position in some big hospitals, as a result, getting higher salaries. Secondly, some advances in medical sectors are only available in some hospitals in big cities while hospitals in rural areas still adopt some outdated medical methods. Thus, doctors will more likely to work in metropolitans to get access to some of the most complicated machines.
This has been a hotly debated problems in many countries in recent decade. In order to fully tackle this problem, it will require both the cooperation from the government and medical doctors.
Firstly, the government should invest more in enhancing the medical facilities in rural areas and also dispatch more human resources to remote areas, thus ensuring the well-being of the population in these areas. In addition, the government should have given doctors in rural areas certain exclusive privileges such as incentives or getting free healthcare service. This in turn will motivate and inspire more doctors to rural areas. Secondly, the doctors themselves have to identify the true meaning of being a doctor, saving people rather than pursuing behind the money.
In conclusion, I believe that the better working environment and more attractive earnigns are factors that have appealed many doctors to metropolitan areas. In order to solve the issue, policies from the government and the willingness or medical doctors thus are very crucial in abolishing this imbalance.

In this day and age, many medical doctors have chosen to move to major cities in exchange for a better living condition. However, this trend has created a shortage of doctor resources in some rural areas. This essay will discuss some underlying reasons for this issue and propose some possible solutions.
In the first place, it is a natural predisposition for some doctors to relocate to urban areas to make their end meets. In some big cities, the demand for medical services are much higher compared with the rural areas due to higher population density and also better healthcare services. Therefore, it will be much easier for doctors to find a job after graduating and getting a decent life later. Moreover, if they are an expert or getting a Phd degree, they will have a chance to get promoted and having a position in some big hospitals, as a result, getting higher salaries. Secondly, some advances in medical sectors are only available in some hospitals in big cities while hospitals in rural areas still adopt some outdated medical methods. Thus, doctors will more likely to work in metropolitans to get access to some of the most complicated machines.
This has been a hotly debated problems in many countries in recent decade. In order to fully tackle this problem, it will require both the cooperation from the government and medical doctors.
Firstly, the government should invest more in enhancing the medical facilities in rural areas and also dispatch more human resources to remote areas, thus ensuring the well-being of the population in these areas. In addition, the government should have given doctors in rural areas certain exclusive privileges such as incentives or getting free healthcare service. This in turn will motivate and inspire more doctors to rural areas. Secondly, the doctors themselves have to identify the true meaning of being a doctor, saving people rather than pursuing behind the money.
In conclusion, I believe that the better working environment and more attractive earnigns are factors that have appealed many doctors to metropolitan areas. In order to solve the issue, policies from the government and the willingness or medical doctors thus are very crucial in abolishing this imbalance.

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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:
Topic:

Most medical doctors want to work in cities where they will make a lot of money. Yet in many rural areas there are not enough doctors. What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?


My essay:

(Your text here...)
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Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies

You wrote over 360 words.

The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high scores. There are many reasons.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task completion or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples.

Fourth, you will take a lot of time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.


Fifth, you will not have enough time to spend on Task 1, and get a lower score there.

Aim to write around 270 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.


Minhjh Trần Bình Please check on my IELTS essay Task 2 :Most medical doctors want to work in cities where they will make a lot of money. Yet in many rural areas there are not enough doctors. What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?


In this day and age, many medical doctors have chosen to move to major cities in exchange for a better living condition. (wrong form) However, this trend has created a shortage of doctors resources in some rural areas. This essay will discuss some underlying reasons for this issue and propose some possible solutions.

Never mention your essay. The examiner knows you are going to write about this topic. Tell them the main point of the essay, not something they already know. It is very poor style.

Answer the essay prompts and introduce your arguments: What are the reasons for this problem? / How can it be solved?


Example:

The main reasons for the shortage of doctors in less-populated areas are demand for services and career opportunities that exist in the large cities. The problem can be solved with government intervention.



In the first place, it is a natural predisposition for some doctors to relocate to urban areas because of the higher salaries. In addition to make their end meets. In some big cities, the demand for medical services are (wrong form) much higher compared with the rural areas due to higher population density and also better healthcare services. Therefore, it will be much easier for doctors to find a job after graduating and a good start for their career in medicine. getting a decent life later. Moreover, if they are an expert or getting a Phd degree, they will have a chance to get promoted and having be an excellent candidate for a prestigious position in a large hospital. some big hospitals, as a result, getting higher salaries. Secondly, Second, some advances in medical sectors opportunities for being a specialist are only available in some hospitals in big cities while as hospitals in rural areas are small and offer only the most common services. Patients that require special treatment are transferred to larger facilities with advanced diagnostic machines.. still adopt some outdated medical methods. Thus, doctors will more likely to work in metropolitans to be able to use the latest medical equipment such as CAT scanners. get access to some of the most complicated machines. The result is that there will not be enough doctors in small towns.
This has been a hotly debated problems in many countries in recent decade. (That is not true. There is not debate, controversy or "hot topic. Do not write such things in Task 2 essays. Just answer the questions.)

In order to fully tackle this problem, it will require both the cooperation from the government and medical doctors.
Firstly, First, the government should invest more in enhancing (wrong word) the medical facilities in rural areas and also dispatch more human resources (What do you mean? - Nurses? Orderlies? Cleaning people?) to remote areas, thus ensuring the well-being of the population in these areas. In addition, the government should have given (wrong verb form) give doctors in rural areas certain exclusive privileges such as incentives or getting such as free healthcare service. This in turn will motivate and inspire more doctors to rural areas. (missing verb) Secondly, Second, the doctors themselves have to identify the true meaning of being a doctor, saving people rather than pursuing behind the money.
In conclusion, I believe that the better working environment and more attractive earnigns are factors that have appealed (wrong word) attracted many doctors to metropolitan areas. In order to solve the issue, policies from the government and the willingness or medical doctors thus are very crucial in removing abolishing this imbalance.

What band would the original and corrected essays score?