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Toby opens the door a crack and looks out to see a man in the corridor. The man suddenly looks his way. Toby quickly pulls his head back in and quietly closes the door.

Is there anything about this you would change?

Comments  
anonymousIs there anything about this you would change?

Yes. Don't ever write the word "suddenly". It is imprecise, and it produces no clear picture, to name just two of its shortcomings. The man glances his way. The man looks in his direction. The man whirls around and peers into the shadows where Toby is. The man looks up from studying his fingernails, brow furrowed, seeming to sense Toby's eyes on him.

As a matter of fact, lose all the adverbs. It is suprising how much stronger writing becomes when you simply delete them even without trying to say them another way.