I tried to write a full essay answering the question below. Please help me check it and give me a score if possible. Thank you so much!
Writing task 1:
The diagram below shows two different processes for manufacturing black tea.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.
The diagram is enclosed in the attachment.
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The diagram briefly illustrates the production of manufacturing black tea.
Overall, the process consists of five main stages, commencing with harvesting tea leaves and ending at the firing step.
At the first stage, fresh tea leaves including only buds and two top leaves are collected by farmers with the aim of producing high quality tea. Afterwards, the leaves experience the withering stage on a rack. At that time, the air passing through them evaporates 60% of moisture.
Following that, there are two different methods employed to process the withered leaves. One method is called a traditional one which produces loose leaf tea. The leaves are conventionally rolled until they become flat and broken. Simultaneously, a number of enzymes inside the leaves are disposed during this stage. Another one is a modern technique by which tea bags are made. The leaves are cut, torn and even curled in a quick process. As a consequence, there are some smaller granular pieces created at the same time.
What happens in the next step is that the rolled up leaves undergo an oxidation or fermentation. By doing that, they are spread on titles or cement. The enzymes with the air are released from the leaves, which results in these leaves shifting from green to copper. Finally, firing the leaves is implemented in ovens or hot dryers. This process causes a flavor and aroma to be brought out. At the end of the whole process, 97% moisture is discharged.
Your first mistake is writing 240 words in five paragraphs. The minimum is 150.
You will not lose points for writing lengthy essays; however, longer essays generally do not earn high scores. There are many reasons.
First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for these errors.
Second, in Task 1, you are likely writing about everything, rather than following the instructions and picking out only the significant points. This will cost you points.
Third, you will take a lot of the limited time writing, and not have time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, and that lowers your score.
Fourth, you will not have enough time to devote to Task 2, and get a lower score there. Task 2 counts twice as much for your overall score.
Aim to write 170-190 words for Task 1.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/
The diagram briefly illustrates the production of manufacturing black tea. (Production of manufacturing makes no sense.
Also, "manufacturing" implies a large factory with equipment and many employees. This is a small farmer or community business which makes loose dried tea or tea bags. The word is not used correctly.
This process flow chart is very very bad. It indicates that one product is "tea bags", yet there are no bags of tea as an output of the process. Is there another part of the diagram on the following page?
The main feature should be that there are two processes on the diagram. They have different outputs.
Overall, the process consists of five main stages, commencing with harvesting tea leaves and ending at the firing step. (wrong usage. Firing is shooting a gun or baking glazed ceramic vases in an extremely hot kiln. This diagram was not written by a native speaker. It has wrong vocabulary words. Do not learn from non-native source material. You will just learn wrong words and wrong usage. )
At the first stage, fresh tea leaves including only the buds and two top leaves are collected by farmers with the aim of producing high quality tea. (Do not draw conclusions. ) Afterwards, the leaves experience (wrong usage. Only people have experiences. Leaves are not alive. They do not experience anything.) the withering stage on a rack. At that time, the air passing through them evaporates 60% of the moisture.
Following that, there are two different methods employed to process the withered leaves. One method is called a traditional one which produces loose leaf tea. The leaves are conventionally rolled until they become flat and broken. Simultaneously, (wrong usage) a number of enzymes inside the leaves are disposed (wrong word) during this stage. (poor coherence and cohesion) Another one is a modern technique by which tea bags are made. The leaves are cut, torn and even curled in a quick process. As a consequence, (wrong usage) there are some smaller granular pieces created at the same time.
What happens in the next step is that the rolled up leaves undergo an oxidation or fermentation. By doing that, they are spread on titles or cement. The enzymes with the air (wrong usage) are released from the leaves, which results in these leaves shifting (wrong word) from green to copper. Finally, firing (wrong word - if you fire dry leaves, they will burn to ashes. ) the leaves is implemented (wrong usage) in ovens or hot dryers. This process causes a flavor and aroma to be brought out. At the end of the whole process, (wrong usage. This means that there is another step which dries the leaves even more. )97% moisture is discharged.
As a native speaker and teacher, I would not even attempt to write an Task 1 essay using this diagram. I do not recommend this for any student.
It is very abnormal and defective. It is a horrible diagram to practice for IELTS. The vocabulary mixes in the jargon of professional chemists, not normal, everyday English. Other vocabulary words are common, but they are not used correctly.
The instructions say "two different processes" but these are completely unclear in the diagram.