Please Help To Correct The Following Email?

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Please help to correct the following email. Thanks.

I write to inform you that an accident took place on 17 July 2020, 2120, which see your cleaning worker named Selina break her left elbow when she conducted routine duties at our clubhouse. Our venue staff immediately called for ambulance services after recognizing the case at 2130 and an ambulance No.123 arrived at our venue after 15 minutes. Selina received initial treatment from the medical officers and was subsequently sent to ABC hospital for further checking. Up to now, she is still hospitalized there after undergoing surgery.

To our understaning about the cleaning agreement, as the accident involves your full-time staff and employees' compensation, please instantly look into the case and keep us informed of your investigation progress before 31 July 2020. Thank you.

Comments  

Please help to correct the following email. Thanks.

Red = my corrections/suggestions

Blue= my advice

Crossing out = incorrect grammar or too wordy

Dear Mr. X,

I write to am writing to inform you that an accident took place on 17th July 2020, 2120, which see your when a cleaning worker cleaner named (called) Selina break broke her left elbow when while she conducted routine duties at our clubhouse. Our venue staff immediately called for an ambulance services after recognizing the case at 21:30 and an ambulance No.123 arrived at our venue after 15 minutes. Selina received some initial treatment from the medical officers and was subsequently sent to ABC hospital for a further checking up .Up to now, She is still hospitalized there after undergoing surgery.

To our understaning about the From our understanding of the cleaning agreement, as the accident involved your full-time staff and employee and may involve compensation. Can you please instantly look into the case and keep us informed of your investigation’s progress before 31 July 2020. Thank you.

Yours, sincerely,

Frank Lampard.

Comments

1. Don't forget to start with Dear X and finish with a sign off e,g Yours sincerely.

2. You use some good vocabulary and you punctuation is good.

3. Your ideas are logical and well organized.

4. Check your letter for correct tense usage e,g broke = past of break.

5, Words like instantly could be considered to be rude in a business letter.


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