I've written an essay for 2nd writing task of IELTS. Please give me some comments and correct my mistakes. By the way, if needed, please let me know when to use the word "sex" and "gender" appropriately. Thank you.

Topic: Some people think that it is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There has been a current debate about whether or not should boys and girls be educated in mixed schools or separate schools. These two approaches feature different characteristics and have different aims in educating students when compared. In my perspective, it is vital to let all students study in mixed schools as coed schools help students socialize better and promote equality.
Being in a coed school, students are put in a simulation of a society people of different sexes live together; coed schools train students, from the moment they are little kids, to integrate themselves to the environment in which the society the kids live in would be closely reflected. Therefore, students in coed schools are demanded to treat their peers accordingly (based on their sexes) and with respect, which can help students socialize better when they become more mature. In addition, the same subjects are taught to all students regardless of their sexes in coed schools, while in single-sex schools, the curriculum is amended based on the gender of the students. As a result, coed schools promote equality between the sexes as all students are treated in the same manner and are educated in the same way. Students in mixed schools are taught that they have an equal chance to succeed in life.
Some may argue that single-sex schools can tailor curriculums to students’ needs and interests. That students adapt to existing demands and figure out what to learn for their own needs, all of which to improve themselves in the scenario where everyone is treated the same and taught the same thing is more important, however. In addition, single-sex schools may educate children to be adults who are heavily gender-stereotyped, while coed schools encourage students to learn from characteristics of peers of other sex to enrich themselves to become well-rounded people.
It is believed that coed schools promote gender equality and help children improve their socialization. Education should be adjusted based on society to create more well-rounded people.

Some initial comments:

1- You need to learn much about essay structure, particularly about paragraphing, topic sentences, and the expected general-to-specific structure. Take a look at my replies in the links below to see what I mean.

https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayAgreeDisagreeYoungEnjoyLife-Older/bjnlwx/post.htm

https://www.englishforums.com/English/CanAnyoneCheckEssay/bwpzmg/post.htm


2- You should always spend a few minutes to think of, write down, filter, and organize relevant points, before you start writing.


3- Examiners are definitely not impressed by students who use unnecessarily complicated phrasing/vocabulary. In fact, that only leads to unnatural/ungrammatical/vague sentences, which frustrates the examiner and leads to lower marks. You should focus on presenting interesting/convincing/persuasive ideas and examples instead, and on writing clear and straightforward sentences.


4- Clearly separate your paragraphs with blank lines.


For the above essay, let's start with the body paragraphs. Fill the following two lists (in brief point form; do not write sentences for now), and posts the lists below.


Educating both genders together is good because:

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Having separate schools is good because:

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