please correct my narrative essay..this is my final essay for my english class..my teacher ask me to write 5 paragraph..but i just write 4 can you please suggest what should i write on my 5 paragraph..please help me..thanks...i will really appreciate all the help..Emotion: smile

My First Visit to Knotts Farm

After a long week of church conferences with other church committees from , and at , , and our pastors decide to take us to an amusement park. We children were very excited. We debated which amusement park to go to. The majority of us wanted to go to , unfortunately the ticket were too expensive because of the summer season. Our church did not have enough budgets for the tickets, so we decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm instead because the tickets were cheaper. I felt a little disappointed, because I really want to go to , but I heard that Knotts Berry Farm had many rides too. We all crammed like sardines in two vans and a car. As we arrived at the Knott’s Berry Farm front gate, we saw the loops, twists, and drop of the Silver Bullet machine. I was so excited, but at the same time I felt so scared because I hadn’t been on roller coaster before. While waiting for our pastors to park the cars. We took pictures at the front gate. After we bought the tickets, we all rushed in. the place were fantastic. There were so many rides and souvenir shops everywhere.

The first ride we went on was the Silver Bullet. While waiting in line, I saw people screaming. Suddenly I felt scared and shaken. We climbed aboard and pulled down the safety rail. It made me more scared when the floor was out. This ride is a floorless steel coaster that flips upside down. As I looked down, I saw the entire amusement park. My heart was beating so hard and my legs started to shake. I felt extremely terrified, since I am afraid of heights. At that moment I wanted to get of my seat and go home. The ride started slowly until it reached the top, then it rushed down and loops and twists. I felt like I fall down from the high building and I almost fainted.For the entire ride I close my eyes and kept my head down. I held my sister’s hand tightly and screamed. At that moment I thought that “What if the safety rail drops out? I might be killed”, I realized that I was being silly thinking about such things. The ride lasted about two minutes. In between that time I made myself open my eyes and I looked down without being scared. There were loops everywhere, which seemed to the turning very quickly. When the ride was over, I felt so dizzy, and I couldn’t walk straight I almost threw up. The ride was extremely scary but at the same time it was extremely exciting.

Boomerang was our second ride of the day. Boomerang consists of a single train with seven cars. The ride begins when the train is pulled backwards from the station and up a lift hill, before being released. Some of us were still dizzy from the Silver Bullet coaster, but we still wanted to experience the Boomerang. We ran to the wait in line with the others. The wait was not long. The ride was extremely fun. This ride wasn’t as scary as the first ride. My cousins and some other kids wanted to go on a second time, but I said we should try a few of the other rides. A few rides later, we were tired and hungry. We bought some burger and fries, which were little expensive, but we had no choice. We ate them by a fountain in the picnic area, under the cool shade of the tree. After lunch, a few rides were closed. So my sister, cousin, and I went to the Snoopy Show while the others were busy looking for other rides. At the Snoopy Show, the majority of the audiences were kids. I felt a bit embarrassed since we are too old for the Snoopy Show. The show was awesome, it had dancing and singing. I was very impressed with the dancers, and of course with Snoopy.

After a show, we walked around taking pictures. We went to Snoopy’s camp. We took pictures with the mascot Snoopy and other characters, it was really fun. We also went to a souvenir store to buy some souvenirs. I spent ten minutes looking at the stuffs. I couldn’t decide what I should buy, everything was beautiful and unique. I ended up buying a T-shirt and a key chain. Time was running fast; very soon it was three o’clock. We decided to ride a Calico Mine Ride, which is a very slow train ride. Most of the passengers were old people. The train descends into the dark depths of Knotts very own gold mine. It was a little boring because it moved so slowly. I fell asleep on the ride. When the ride was over we decided to use the restroom to fresher up. After using the restroom, we headed to the front gate which was our meeting place. We saw our pastor waiting for us. Our pastor seem very tired from all the rides. He bought souvenirs Knotts Berry Farm T-shirt for us, which I just bought earlier at the souvenirs shop. We invited him to ride another roller coaster. He said that he just wanted to go home and sleep. We are all tired but happy wore the Knotts’ T-shirt as we made our way back to the vans. I’ll never forget this experience.


After a long week of church conferences at Anaheim, Los Angeles with other church committees from Texas, Michigan and Florida, and our pastors decide (tense) to take us to an amusement park. We children were very excited. We debated which amusement park to go to. The majority of us wanted to go to Disneyland, but the ticket were too expensive because of the summer season. Our church did not have the budget for the tickets, so we decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm instead because the tickets were cheaper. I felt a little disappointed, because I really want to go to Disneyland, but I heard that Knotts Berry Farm had many rides too. We all crammed like sardines in two vans and a car. As we arrived at the Knott’s Berry Farm front gate, we saw the loops, twists, and drop of the Silver Bullet machine. I was so excited, but at the same time I felt so scared because I had never been on roller coaster before. While waiting for our pastors to park the cars, we took pictures at the front gate. After we bought the tickets, we all rushed in. the place were fantastic. There were so many rides and souvenir shops everywhere.
The first ride we went on was the Silver Bullet. While waiting in line, I saw people screaming. Suddenly I felt scared and shaken. We climbed aboard and pulled down the safety rail. It made me more scared when the floor was out. This ride is a floorless steel coaster that flips upside down. As I looked down, I saw the entire amusement park. My heart was beating so hard and my legs started to shake. I felt extremely terrified, since I am afraid of heights. At that moment I wanted to get out of my seat and go home. The ride started slowly until it reached the top, then it rushed down in loops and twists. I felt like I fall down from a high building and I almost fainted.For the entire ride I close my eyes and kept my head down. I held my sister’s hand tightly and screamed. At that moment I thought that “What if the safety rail drops out? I might be killed”, I realized that I was being silly thinking about such things. The ride lasted about two minutes. In between that time I made myself open my eyes and I looked down without being scared. There were loops everywhere, which seemed to the turning very quickly (What do you mean?). When the ride was over, I felt so dizzy. I couldn’t walk straight and I almost threw up. The ride was extremely scary but at the same time it was extremely exciting.
I suggest you doublecheck your tenses.
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thank you for ur time correcting my essay..i will try my best to correct it..i always have struggle on tenses...
i will posted my correct later..thankz


My First Visit to Knotts Farm

After a long week of church conferences at , with other church committees from , and , our pastors decided to take us to an amusement park. We children were very excited. We debated which amusement park to go to. The majority of us wanted to go to , but the tickets were too expensive because of the summer season. Our church did not have the budgets for the tickets, so we decided to go to Knotts Berry Farm instead. I felt a little disappointed, because I really wanted to go to , but I heard that Knotts Berry Farm had many rides too. We all crammed like sardines in two vans and a car. As we arrived at the Knott’s Berry Farm front gate, we saw the loops, twists, and drops of the Silver Bullet machine. I was so excited, but at the same time I felt so scared because I had never been on a roller coaster before. While waiting for our pastors to park the cars, we took pictures at the front gate. After we bought the tickets, we all rushed in. The place was fantastic. There were so many rides and souvenir shops everywhere.

The first ride we went on was the Silver Bullet. While waiting in line, I saw people screaming. Suddenly I felt scared and shaken. We climbed aboard and pulled down the safety rail. It made me more scared when the floor was removed. This ride was a floorless steel coaster that flipped upside down. As I looked down, I saw the entire amusement park. My heart was beating so hard and my legs started to shake. I felt extremely terrified, since I am afraid of heights. At that moment I wanted to get out of my seat and go home. The ride started slowly until it reached the top, then it rushed down in loops and twists. I felt as I was falling down from a high building and I almost fainted.

For the entire ride I closed my eyes and kept my head down. I held my sister’s hand tightly and screamed. At that moment I thought, “What if the safety rail drops out? I might be killed” I realized that I was being silly thinking about such things. The ride lasted about two minutes. I made myself open my eyes and I looked down without being scared. There were loops everywhere, which seemed to be turning very quickly. When the ride was over, I felt very dizzy; and I couldn’t walk straight and I almost threw up. The ride was extremely scary but at the same time it was extremely exciting.

Boomerang was our second ride of the day. Boomerang consists of a single train with seven cars. The ride begins when the train is pulled backwards from the station and up a lift hill, before being released. Some of us were still dizzy from the Silver Bullet coaster, but we still wanted to experience the Boomerang. We ran to the wait in line with the others. The wait was not long. The ride was extremely fun. This ride wasn’t as scary as the first ride. My cousins and some other kids wanted to go on a second time, but I said we should try a few of the other rides. A few rides later, we were tired and hungry. We bought some burger and fries, which were a little expensive, but we had no choice. We ate them by a fountain in the picnic area, under the cool shade of the tree. After lunch, a few rides were closed. So my sister, cousin, and I went to the Snoopy Show while the others were busy looking for other rides. At the Snoopy Show, the majority of the audiences were kids. I felt a bit embarrassed since we are too old for the Snoopy Show. The show was awesome. It had a lot of dancing and singing. I was very impressed with the dancers, and of course with Snoopy.

After the show, we walked around taking pictures. We went to Snoopy’s camp. We took pictures with the mascot Snoopy and other characters, it was really fun. We also went to a souvenir store to buy some souvenirs. I spent ten minutes looking at the stuffs. I could not decide what I should buy, everything was beautiful and unique. I ended up buying a T-shirt and a key chain. Time was running fast; very soon it was three o’clock. We decided to ride a Calico Mine Ride, which is a very slow train ride. Most of the passengers were old people. The train descends into the dark depths of Knotts very own gold mine. It was a little boring because it moved so slowly. I fell asleep on the ride. When the ride was over we decided to use the restroom to freshen up. After using the restroom, we headed to the front gate which was our meeting place. We saw our pastor waiting for us. Our pastor seem very tired from all the rides. He bought Knotts Berry Farm T-shirts for us, which I had just bought earlier at the souvenir shop. We invited him to ride another roller coaster. He said that he just wanted to go home and sleep. We were all tired but happy we wore the Knotts’ T-shirt as we made our way back to the vans. I’ll never forget this experience.

Madison Santos

10March17

English10

Ms.Ortiz

Fear Unknown

The young girl jolted up from a lone bed bright blue in color while her alarm cut through the air as if it was a piece of glass. She sat there gasping for air, hands shaking, and nerves shot. The darkness of the shadows danced across her walls as cars passed the nearby window. She slowly brought her hands to her face rubbing the sleep away that had formerly coated her eyes. She sighed reaching over turning off her alarm and tried to roll her shoulders attempting to release the stress of her nightmare that plagued her mind. The girls emerald eyes shone through the darkness as she glanced around her room. The distinct shapes of her furniture could only just be seen.

“Nothing touched,” she whispered into the night.

It was a faint memory, blurred together in confusion making her question her rationality. The young girl’s name was Emily White she was only fifteen years of age, had raven colored hair, and skin as pale as the autumn leaves clinging to the slightly bare branches outside her window. Emily slowly pushed her sheets off her lower body and climbed out of bed. Watching her feet she counted her steps knowing that the old dark cherry wood that was stained in pictionary images creaked in certain areas. Slowly, she walks to the bathroom coming face to face with the mirror.

“A nightmare great! This better not be continuous,” she sighs to herself.

She still remembered every detail from the night before...from being alone, to the crawling sickly feeling upon her skin that inched up to her neck. It was the worst feeling she had ever felt.

She was running...someone was behind her she was sure because she could sense them. She didn’t know who it was but she knew they were there. She had been dared to come to this freaky amusement park and now she was being chased by a probable murderer. She was done with trying to be social, however the person/thing coming up behind her frightened her at this moment. She kept running, eventually getting a glance at the iron gate she entered through earlier on. She made a sharp turn right and pushed harder feeling a sense of adrenaline rush throughout her body. She was going to get out of here and when she did, she was going to talk to those three blondes Alice, Katy, and Britney...they were going to get it.’

She snapped out of the partial memory that rolled in the back of her mind and got ready for the day. Once finished she headed downstairs quietly being careful to not wake her parents she slid out the front door and walked the two blocks to her school Woodgrove High School. Woodgrove had been in her city of Bakersfield for a while and had been a great place to go once but now, it was just a place that jocks and cheerleaders got away with everything and others were invisible. She saw Alice, Katy, and Britney from where she stood in the parking lot. Slowly, she walked over to them and stopped at their little group of friends.

“That was really rude you guys. I mean I know you set me up but come on trying to have me almost killed thats low. You guys need to grow up, get a life, and maybe go to an institution for what you did,” emily spits out like she had a bad taste of lake water in her mouth.

The oldest sister Katy answered her without a thought,“I don’t know what your talking about emily...you took the dare anyway! You chose to enter the abandoned amusement park. How were we supposed to know there was some creep in there?”

“You didn’t I’m sure you couldn’t even be that smart, but make a note on this Katy. If you cross me again and I get harmed you will regret ever meeting me,” emily retorts as she sharpens her eyes narrowing in on the three blondes.

Emily turned and walked away as she thought over everything in her head. She knew those girls did it on purpose and she wasn’t going to sit here and play doormat. Meanwhile, the three cheerleaders stood in utter shock as they watched the raven haired girl stomp away from their spot. One thing was for sure, Emily While wasn’t going to talk to those girls again, nor would she ever trust so easily and then jump right into a friendship. Those girls would stay out of her way as far as she was concerned but by the end of that conversation with Katy, Britney, and Alice only one thought came to mind.

‘This is not what I had envisioned for being a new kid or high school in general.’

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