Please help me read this essay. How can i improve on this essay? What is bad with this essay? Is it off focus? The grammatical mistake?
Thank you so much for helping me!

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Disappointment

Mother was cooking in the kitchen. “Hey you are one sixteen-year-old imbecile hag!” I turned around suspiciously. “You are one ghastly sister!” Nat ran out of my room laughing hysterically. I rolled my eyes and forgave him only for today. I must have sinned in my previous life because god has bedeviled me with such a pestilential brother. But still, I loved him. This brother of mine possesses a unique character – ungratefulness. There was once Mother kindly sewn his torn pants, however, he ripped that newly sewn pants into two on purpose. And that was not the worst.

Today is Nat’s twelve-year-old birthday: 5th of June. I opened my drawer and took a peek. Inside laid a nicely wrapped purple Gameboy Advance Game-set. I allowed my finger to feel the rim. It felt new. I smiled to myself. For the past one and a half month, I have been saving on this, surviving on only two dollars a day, saving a total of three dollars per day. I took a deep breath and breathed out noisily. I feel so proud of myself.

“How should I give this to him,” I thought to myself. Should I call him and push this directly to him? Or should I wish him a happy birthday and past it nicely to him? I decided on the latter option. As the second hand on the clock ticked, my heart began beating with the rhythm. I am so nervous! I began to imagine what his reaction would be like when he sees this game-set. Will he cry? Will he jump with delight? I giggled excitedly.
“I guess its time!” I took a deep breath and shouted, “Nat Ong Yi Wei! Come here please!” Then, I heard his footsteps up the stairs. “This is it!” I said it to myself. My hands were cold with sweat and my heart was beating fast. Imagine how happy Nat will be when he receives my present! “Yes? What’s up?” Nat stood at the door with hands on his hip. “Can you come closer?” I hid the present behind my back. He frowned and came closer. “Happy birthday Nat!” I passed the purple Game Boy Advance Game-set to him. Nat took a look at the present. I clutched my hands tighter to on my laps. “Thanks sis, I appreciate your effort. But this is so out of trend now. It’s the PSP season.” He laughed; and left my present on the table; and he left my room holding with a pink PSP with his hand.I was godsmacked. His reaction left me stupefied. I tried wiping my tears and mucus away, however, more came coming down. I sucked my mucus in noisily. I was so disappointed. Why did he do this to me? Why did I buy this in the first place? Am I really an imbecile hag? I touched the purple Gameboy Advance Game-set which was left on the table. A drop of tears splattered on the screen. I tried cleaning the screen with my palm, but it got worse. Before I noticed, I was bawling loudly.“Vanessa? Are you alright?” Mother suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I quickly wiped off my tears, “I’m okay.” Mother walked closer to me. “Don’t feel sad about this, you did great. The problem lies with your brother, not you. Now, stop crying like a baby.” Suddenly, I felt a pair of warm arm wrapped around me. I cried harder. “I am so disappointed in Nat.”

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1 2
This is not bad! I like it.

You went back and forth between past and present tense a few times. I suggest you keep everything in one tense.

(I also suggest you omit the mucus bit.)
Really?! Julie ! You make me so happy ! Its the first time in my whole entire life someone said this to me ! I am so happy! Thank you so much ! Thank you thank you! You helped me a lot since I first join this english forum ! I am so touched ! Emotion: crying Thank you so much ! You are a great teacher! Thank you!

I cant thank you enough! Thank you so much !

I will continue to work hard! [6]
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
You're welcome!

Just check your tenses and review some of your word choices (there're a few odd ones), and you'll have a decent story in front of you. Emotion: wink
Oh, do you need someone to proofread that too?
That will be great ! Thank you so much ! Emotion: big smile
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Now you have an idea how the story should be told, I suggest you pay attention to your word choices and tenses. The narrator's word choice is odd for a 16-year-old.

I highlighted some in red for you to fix.
Pleasecorrectme
Mother was cooking in the kitchen. “Sis, you are one sixteen-year-old imbecile hag!” I turned around suspiciously. “You are one ghastly sister!” Nat ran out of my room laughing hysterically. I rolled my eyes and forgave him only for today. I must have sinned in my previous life because god has bedeviled me with such a pestilential gave me such a brother. But still, I loved him. This brother of mine possesses a unique character – ungratefulness. There was once Mother kindly sewed his torn pants back together; however, he ripped those newly pants into two again on purpose. And that was not the worst.

Today is (Tense) Nat’s twelve-year-old birthday: 5th of June. I opened my drawer and took a peek. Inside laid a nicely wrapped purple Gameboy Advance Game-set. I allowed my finger to feel the rim. It felt new. I smiled to myself. For the past one and a half month, I have been saving on this, surviving on only two dollars a day, saving a total of three dollars per day. I took a deep breath and breathed out noisily. I feel (tense) so proud of myself.

"How should I give this to him?I thought to myself. Should I call him and push this directly to him? Or should I wish him a happy birthday and past it nicely to him? I decided on the latter option. As the second hand on the clock ticked, my heart began beating with the rhythm. I am so nervous! I began to imagine what his reaction would be like when he sees this game-set. Will he cry? Will he jump with delight? I giggled excitedly.

“I guess its time!” I took a deep breath and shouted, “Nat Ong Yi Wei! Come here please!” Then, I heard his footsteps up the stairs. “This is it!” I said it to myself. My hands were cold with sweat and my heart was beating fast. Imagine how happy Nat will be when he receives my present! “Yes? What’s up?” Nat stood at the door with hands on his hip. “Can you come closer?” I hid the present behind my back. He frowned and came closer. “Happy birthday Nat!” I passed the purple Game Boy Advance Game-set to him. Nat took a look at the present. I clutched my hands tighter to on my laps. “Thanks sis, I appreciate your effort. But this is so out of trend now. It’s the PSP season.” He laughed; and left my present on the table, ; and he left my room holding with a pink PSP with his hand.
I was godsmacked. His reaction left me stupefied. I tried wiping my tears and mucus away, but tears kept falling. I sucked my mucus in noisily. I was so disappointed. Why did he do this to me? Why did I buy this in the first place? Am I really an imbecile hag? I touched the purple Gameboy Advance Game-set which was left on the table. A drop of tears splattered on the screen. I tried cleaning the screen with my palm, but it got worse. Before I noticed, I was bawling loudly.
“Vanessa? Are you alright?” Mother suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I quickly wiped off my tears, “I’m okay.” Mother walked closer to me. “Don’t feel sad about this, you did great. The problem lies with your brother, not you. Now, stop crying like a baby.” Suddenly, I felt a pair of warm arm wrapped around me. I cried harder. “I am so disappointed in Nat.”

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Thank you so much ! That helps me a lot ! But , I have some english grammar question I am still confuse about.

julielai
I began to imagine what his reaction would be like when he sees this game-set. Will he cry? Will he jump with delight?

Imagine how happy Nat will be when he receives my present!

If there is a ' would ' , I am not allow to put any singular or past tense ?

Oh, and should the ' will ' be corrected to would?
So , is would the past tense of will ? I always thought there is a difference between will and would .Emotion: sad
Pleasecorrectme
If there is a ' would ' , I am not allow to put any singular or past tense ?

- In this case, yes.

So , is would the past tense of will ?

- In this case, yes.

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