Here's my essay about christmas day which has become a commercial holiday.
Please read and correct the wrong paragraphs and grammars
If you have a better idea, let me know :-)
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Christmas is coming.
All of the shops in my town are shining with the lights.
All people are wondering what present they will be given on this christmas.
Every day and everywhere I can hear all kind of carols. That makes me happy and feel like it's a christmas .
But every year, it starts to advertise a christmas day earlier than last year.
Therefore people would spend more money for a Christmas doesn't even come yet.
Of course it's good to buy something for people they love. But there are so many people
who are struggling with hunger day by day so that they can't even think about Christmas.
I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.
It's so silly to show how much you love them by giving a expensive gift.
It's not essential to decorate your christmas tree.
The truely important thing is spending a christmas day with your family, your friends and your boy friend/girl friend. That's enough. There is no need to be gifts under the christmas tree.
If you're enough to live, how about helping people in poor countries?
Going to a fancy restaurant is not the only way to enjoy your christmas. Travelling overseas doesn't make your christmas special.
you can give them the reason to live one more day by giving up your desire to buy one more gift.
You don't have to go to Africa taking a risk. You don't have to donate every month.
Just one day, Christmas, one of the most expensive holiday of a year,
I want you to be generous.
I promise you will be given a great happiness ever.
It's time to be aware of the true meaning of Christmas
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Thank you for your answer
Please read and correct the wrong paragraphs and grammars
If you have a better idea, let me know :-)
---------------------------------------------------------
Christmas is coming.
All of the shops in my town are shining with the lights.
All people are wondering what present they will be given on this christmas.
Every day and everywhere I can hear all kind of carols. That makes me happy and feel like it's a christmas .
But every year, it starts to advertise a christmas day earlier than last year.
Therefore people would spend more money for a Christmas doesn't even come yet.
Of course it's good to buy something for people they love. But there are so many people
who are struggling with hunger day by day so that they can't even think about Christmas.
I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.
It's so silly to show how much you love them by giving a expensive gift.
It's not essential to decorate your christmas tree.
The truely important thing is spending a christmas day with your family, your friends and your boy friend/girl friend. That's enough. There is no need to be gifts under the christmas tree.
If you're enough to live, how about helping people in poor countries?
Going to a fancy restaurant is not the only way to enjoy your christmas. Travelling overseas doesn't make your christmas special.
you can give them the reason to live one more day by giving up your desire to buy one more gift.
You don't have to go to Africa taking a risk. You don't have to donate every month.
Just one day, Christmas, one of the most expensive holiday of a year,
I want you to be generous.
I promise you will be given a great happiness ever.
It's time to be aware of the true meaning of Christmas
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Thank you for your answer
In addition to Avangi's corrections, your essay wanders all over. If you want people to take the money they'd spend on gifts and donate it, say so. If you want people to focus on relationships instead of gifts, say that. If you're going to mention the true meaning of Christmas, then you can't ignore that it's a religious holiday that celebrates the birth of Jesus, but you don't say that either.
I cannot tell you, after reading your essay, what your main point is, or your two or three main messages, because it goes back and forth.
For example, this sentence: I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas Day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.
What does this mean? We should give them presents? They should think about something other than presents and be happy without them?
Try regrouping your thoughts into paragraphs with only one theme in each paragraph.
(By the way, once you're over the age of 13 or so, I think you spend more time thinking about the presents you are GIVING than the ones you will be GETTING. It's equally commercial, but not quite as selfish.)
I cannot tell you, after reading your essay, what your main point is, or your two or three main messages, because it goes back and forth.
For example, this sentence: I think everyone has the right to be happy on Christmas Day, even if they are too poor to buy a gift for their daughters and sons.
What does this mean? We should give them presents? They should think about something other than presents and be happy without them?
Try regrouping your thoughts into paragraphs with only one theme in each paragraph.
(By the way, once you're over the age of 13 or so, I think you spend more time thinking about the presents you are GIVING than the ones you will be GETTING. It's equally commercial, but not quite as selfish.)
Comments
Here's a quick comment on your essay as a whole.
Don't start each sentence in a paragraph on a separate line.
Best wishes, Clive