Experts please help me correct my discussion essay. I am not good at using concise sentences to express my ideas. I am trying to practice to improve.


Here's the question:

Smart devices have put all of the world's information at our fingertips. What are the drawbacks of this development?

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And here's my response as a discussion essay:


Digital devices have been increasingly taking control of huge data, which allows people to have access to easily with only some clicks and surf. Although this availability is incredibly convenient, it is clear that there are some disadvantages. Not only laziness to think but also the possibility that critical information leaks outside uncontrollably are the main cons of this improvement.


For one, critical thinking seems to be less or even not necessary anymore because of the arrival of technological devices. According to recent research into negative effects of these pieces of equipment on human creativity, nowadays most of data needed has been looked for online instead of being created; whilst, prior to the Internet age the vast majority of information must have been through critical thinking and hard work. This current dependence on modern technology for information leads to ineffective brainstorming process which is one of the main downsides to having access to all online information through digital screens.


In addition to this, personal information or information of organizations is easily revealed via modern devices. According to studies by the Internet security, most of online digital data has been attacked or used by robots or hackers without permission from owers. In the forseeable future, if there is no effective methods to keep online resources away from illegal access, it is likely that there is nothing kept secret. Therefore, this problem of technological devices seems more or less serious compared to the above.


In summary, causing people to think less creatively and the insecurity of online information are the main negative effects of cellphones and computers. Thus, there must be more productive measurements on dealing with these issues; otherwise, the future of online information provided by technological devices will not be assured.

And another one.

Here's the question:

Some believe museums should entertain people while others believe their purpose is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


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Here's my response as a discussion essay.


Cultural sites are common not only for local visitors but also tourists to come. There is a debate among people of whom a number argue that exhibitions of antiques in the sites should be entertaining; whilst, some are biased in the idea supporting their educational features. Both of the views will be analyzed in this essay, followed by a well thought out conclusion.


Let's begin by looking at the view which promotes museums' amusing functions. In fact, visitors and toursits first come to displays of artifacts for pleasure. Most of them asked revealed the truth that their visit to the sites was mostly for fun. Usually, the visit was simply included in their holiday trip. Thus, exhibitions of museums already have their entertaining nature.


Turning to the other side of the argument, displays in museums must focus on education, and actually they do. A recent survey into the roles of museums toward educating people, especially young children, has explicitly shown that each year most of school children visited historical sites as an extra-curricular activity to get to know more about the country's or the local history. This is a clear proof which points out the educational functions of museums.


In summary, museums naturally play vital roles in both entertainment and education. To my point of view, it functions equally in both sections. Also, I would recommend further improvement for the sites in order to attract more visitors as this is an effective way to maintain the status of them and the important parts they play in human society.

Digital devices have been increasingly taking control of (That is not what the topic says. ) huge (wrong word) data, which allows people to have access to easily with only some clicks and surf. (unnatural surf as a noun means the waves near the seashore.) Although this availability is incredibly convenient, it is clear that there are some disadvantages. Not only laziness to think (unnatural) but also the possibility that critical information leaks outside uncontrollably (unnatural) are the main cons of this improvement. (wrong word)


You need to practice writing sentences. You have a large vocabulary, but you need to practice putting words in natural sentences, and connecting the sentences with logical transitions. Read a lot of high-quality native English writing. Study the sentence structure and vocabulary.

Write simple sentences rather than convoluted ones that are difficult to parse.

Maybe you are trying to write too quickly. Speed in less important when you are learning. Write deliberately, slowly and carefully.

Take time to study the topic and form your ideas. Your argument points here are quite weak.

Here is an example paragraph. First, I give an interpretation of the topic sentence: Smart devices have put all of the world's information at our fingertips.

What does that actually imply? I convince the examiner that I understand what is being asked.

Next, the prompt is about the negative aspects. They do not want me to write about the wonderful things about accessing a lot of information. They want the negatives, the problems and difficulties this can cause for the consumer (not the information provider!).

So, I use the phrase "darker side" to finish my idea. There are two sides to many things: the bright side (happiness, goodness, optimism) and the dark side (evil, sadness, pessimism ). This is meant to interest the reader in reading more about this "darker side."


It is said that we live in an information age. If one wants the answer to any question on practically any subject, there is no need to visit a library; its answer is easily discovered by using a smart phone or a computer to search the internet. As incredible and fantastic this development is, there is also a darker side.


For one, critical thinking seems to be less or even not necessary anymore because of the arrival of technological (wrong word) devices. According to recent research into negative effects of these pieces of equipment on human creativity, nowadays (You used "recent research" so "nowadays" is redundant - it does not make sense. ) most of data (unnatural) needed has been looked for online instead of being created; whilst, prior to the Internet age the vast majority of information must have been compiled (missing verb) through critical thinking and hard work. This current dependence on modern technology for information leads to ineffective brainstorming process which is one of the main downsides to having access to all online information through digital screens.

(It is not a very good argument because we had libraries and encyclopedias which contained a lot of information. Also, we do not create information in isolation. We cannot come up with an answer to the question "How many King Penguins live on South Georgia Island and has the population been increasing or decreasing?" by critical thinking. Before the Internet, perhaps we would never be able to know the answer, because only the wildlife researchers on the island would have it. You have to give a particular example that demonstrates what you mean. )

In addition to this, personal information or information of organizations is easily revealed via modern devices. According to studies by the Internet security, most of online digital data has been attacked or used by robots or hackers without permission from owers. In the forseeable future, if there is no effective methods to keep online resources away from illegal access, it is likely that there is nothing kept secret. Therefore, this problem of technological devices (off topic - It is not about the devices, but the access to information.) seems more or less (Is it more, or is it less?) serious compared to the above.

(This seems to be not on the topic of being able to access a lot of information. This is a problem of the people that store the information. I would not use this as an argument point for this essay topic.)

In summary, causing people to think less creatively and the insecurity of online information are the main negative effects of cellphones and computers. Thus, there must be more productive measurements on dealing with these issues; otherwise, the future of online information provided by technological devices will not be assured. (The essay prompt did not ask you for a solution. If you give one, it will be marked "off topic" and decrease your "task response" score.)

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Thank you for your detailed corrections and reasons for each error.

I must take a close look at native essays in order to learn how to put words together.

I know that I do lack of collocations.

Therefore I always ask myself whether I am writing naturally or not. That's a tough question for me to answer on my own as you can see.

And one more thing I find it really hard is to keep my ideas on topic. For example, the question refers to having access to all information via smart devices so I just thought that there is a relationship between information and smart devices, that's because the smart devices that we are able to have access to all information, so it's smart devices that have to take responsibility. So there you see I mentioned smart devices regularly.

So the main point you made here is that I must figure out what is actually expected to be written about in the essay; otherwise, the essay will be off-topic and I do understand this. However, sometimes I find it hard to generate ideas.

Although writing is so hard for me, I am still struggling with it. I will never give it up.

Thank you so very much again for your enthusiasm and helpful advice.

Take care.