Could you please go through the short story and make amendments for me? Please let me know whether the words in bold are fine. Any suggestions to improve the story are welcome.

Thank you very much.

"One more time you do these sorts of mischievous acts. I'll send you packing. You heard me?" Mom chided Rachel, my elder sister. I snickered at the thought of the “daredevil” stunt she did a few minutes ago.

That Friday evening, my aunt Maggie came over to our house for dinner. She even brought along gifts for our family. After she had given my parents, Rachel and me a watch each, my mother thanked her profusely, saying the watches were the perfect gifts for our family. I noticed Dad rolling his eyes then.

Deep inside Dad’s, Rachel’s and my heart, we knew that Aunt Maggie, being rich, was just trying to flaunt her wealth. Behind her back, Dad will always say, “See if she loses all her wealth one day!” We all wish that one day, we can get back at her. As expected the price tags of the watches were still there. I was utterly shocked when I saw that the watch cost ninety-nine dollars!

After bragging about her wealth, all of which only Mum could stand it, (Of course she can. She’s her sister!) Aunt Maggie started talking about her son. She praised her son as though she was a king, saying how intelligent he was, also telling Mum how well he did at sports. “Your children should learn to be like him, you know,” she suggested. Upon this, Mum’s heart seemed to have shattered into a million fragments. It really put Dad off.

Before she left, Aunt Maggie popped into our room to see what we were doing. As I was in Primary Four, I still could manage my homework and was able to finish it quickly. But Rachel, being in Primary Six, had tonnes of homework to cope with. I was playing with my computer games when she came up to me and sighed, “You know, my son has the latest video games! Maybe I should invite you over to house sometime to let you try out those games.” I was perturbed by what she had said. Stupid nanny goat!

Then she looked at my sister’s work and shook her head, “Tsk, tsk, what lousy handwriting you have! Silly little girl, you should go back to kindergarten and study all over again!” My sister stared at Aunt Maggie with eyes full of anger and then turned to her schoolbag to reach for something. When Aunt Maggie turned around to criticise the size of the bedroom, Rachel swiftly planted it onto her shoulder. Ah! A frog! Wonderful plan! I thought to myself. It was only when it started to crawl on her did she realise tht ie was a frog. “Frog! Aahhh!!!” She tried to reach for the frog, but to no avail. It just leaped off her shoulder numbly. She was shrieking ever so loudly. My pet cat, Tom, was frightened out of its wits and hid under the bed.

Rachel was laughing so loudly she had a stomachache. She had to grasp her stomach before the pain could stop. I stood at the door and was surprised at her reaction. Never had I seen a lady screaming so hysterically. Aunt Maggie was so frightened she ran out of our house!

Mum grounded Rachel for two weeks after that. Of course, I was sad to see my sister being punished for scaring our aunt. After all, she was getting back at our aunt for her snobbishness.

Rachel picked up the frog and released it in the garden outside our house. We resumed our work after that. Suddenly, Dad came into the room and gave Rachel a mischievous grin. “Nice work,” he said.
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It needs tightening, Yoong Liat. Here's the first paragraph:

"One more mischievous act and I'll send you packing-- you hear me?" Mom chided Rachel, my elder sister. I snickered at the memory of her daredevil stunt a few minutes ago.

Hi,

Could you please go through the short story and make amendments for me? Please let me know whether the words in bold are fine. Any suggestions to improve the story are welcome. I've made some corrections and suggestions. Overall, this is pretty good. You are trying to use expressions that are not easy, and having some success.

Clive

"If you do this kind of trick again, you'll be in big trouble, did you hear me?" Mom chided Rachel, my elder sister. I snickered (sniggered) at the thought of the “daredevil” stunt she had done a few minutes earlier.

That Friday evening, my aunt Maggie came over to our house for dinner. She even brought along gifts for our family. After she had given my parents and , Rachel and me each a watch, my mother thanked her profusely, saying theys were the perfect gifts for our family. I noticed Dad rolling his eyes then.

Deep inside our hearts, we knew that Aunt Maggie, being rich, was just trying to flaunt her wealth. Behind her back, Dad would always say, “See if she loses all her wealth one day!” We all wished that one day, we could get back at her. As expected, the price tags of the watches were still there. I was utterly shocked when I saw that the watch cost ninety-nine dollars!

After bragging about her wealth, which only Mum could standt, (Of course she could. She was her sister!) Aunt Maggie started talking about her son. She praised her son as though he was a king, saying how intelligent he was, also telling Mum how well he did at sports. “Your children should learn to be like him, you know,” she suggested. Upon this, Mum’s heart seemed to have shattered into a million fragments. It really put Dad off.

Before she left, Aunt Maggie popped into our room to see what we were doing. As I was in Grade Four, I still could manage my homework and was able to finish it quickly. But Rachel, being in Grade Six, had tons of homework to cope with. I was playing with my computer games when Aunt Mary came up to me and sighed, “You know, my son has the latest video games! Maybe I should invite you over to our house sometime to let you try out those games.” I was perturbed by what she had said. Stupid old goat!

Then she looked at my sister’s work and shook her head, “Tsk, tsk, what lousy handwriting you have! Silly little girl, you should go back to kindergarten and study all over again!” My sister stared at Aunt Maggie with eyes full of anger and then turned to her schoolbag to reach for something. When Aunt Maggie turned around to criticize the size of the bedroom, Rachel swiftly planted it onto her shoulder. Ah! A frog! 'Wonderful plan!, I thought to myself. It was only when it started to crawl on her that she realised that it was a frog. “Frog! Aahhh!!!” She tried to reach for the frog, but to no avail. It just leaped off her shoulder numbly. <<< why numbly? She was shrieking ever so loudly. My pet cat, Tom, was frightened out of its wits and hid under the bed.

Rachel was laughing so loudly she had a stomachache. She had to grasp her stomach before the pain could stop. I stood at the door and was surprised at her reaction. Never had I seen a lady screaming so hysterically. Aunt Maggie was so frightened she ran out of our house!

Mum grounded Rachel for two weeks after that. Of course, I was sad to see my sister being punished for scaring our aunt. After all, she was getting back at our aunt for her snobbishness.

Rachel picked up the frog and released it in the garden outside our house. We resumed our work after that. Suddenly, Dad came into the room and gave Rachel a mischievous grin. “Nice work,” he said.
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Thanks, Clive and Micawber

She tried to reach for the frog, but to no avail. It just leaped off her shoulder numbly. <<< why numbly?

Oh dear! A typo. It should be 'nimbly'.

Best wishes.
Hi again,

Another small comment.

. . . you do these sorts of mischievous acts. I'll send you packing.

mischievous acts This is a very formal phrase for a mother to use in talking to her kids. It sounds quite wrong.

send you packing This idiom seems very old-fashioned. I think most kids today would have no idea what this meant.

My point is that these expressions give the writing a mixed and inappropriate tone, in my opinion.

Tone is a very hard thing for English learners to master. My advice to you is to be aware of the need for the correct tone, but not to worry a lot about it. Read a lot of English, and your understanding of tone will very slowly improve.

Best wishes, Clive
Thanks, Clive, for editing the short story and your constructive comments. I appreciate it very much.

Best wishes.
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Hi Clive

Deep inside our hearts, we knew that Aunt Maggie, being rich, was just trying to flaunt her wealth. Behind her back, Dad would often say, “See if she loses all her wealth one day!” We all wished that one day, we could get back at her. As expected the price tags of the watches were still there. I was utterly shocked when I saw that the watch cost ninety-nine dollars!

Can the verbs 'would' be changed to 'will' because every now and then Dad will say, "See if she loses .... one day!"?

Can 'wished' and 'could' be changed to 'wish' and 'can'? The fact is we all still wish ... we can get back at her.

Many thanks.
Hi,

Deep inside our hearts, we knew that Aunt Maggie, being rich, was just trying to flaunt her wealth. Behind her back, Dad would often say, “See if she loses all her wealth one day!” We all wished that one day, we could get back at her. As expected the price tags of the watches were still there. I was utterly shocked when I saw that the watch cost ninety-nine dollars!


Deep in our hearts, we knew that Aunt Maggie, being rich, was just trying to flaunt her wealth. Behind her back, Dad would often say, “See if she loses all her wealth one day!” We all wished that one day, we could get back at her. As expected the price tags of the watches were still there. I was utterly shocked when I saw that the watch cost ninety-nine dollars!

Can the verbs 'would' be changed to 'will' because every now and then Dad will say, "See if she loses .... one day!"? 'Would' makes it habitual past tense. 'Will' would make it a present habit. I don't thimk that's what you mean.

Can 'wished' and 'could' be changed to 'wish' and 'can'? The fact is we all still wish ... we can get back at her. Yes, but it's a very abrupt change of 'time focus', and then you go right back to the past again. I don't recommend doing this.

Best wishes, Clive
Hi Clive

Many thanks for your reply.

Best wishes.
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