Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer.

A considerable number of people argue that females should not be rejected for positions in the military and that they should get equal treatment just as their male counterparts. I totally agree with this statement because women can obviously bring a lot to the table.
My first and most important reason to back this up is that nowadays military work is not as physically demanding as it was back in the days due to the rapid technological change. Positions in management, machine control, and logistics are increasing in number, while infantry jobs are the opposite. Coincidentally, women are naturally more patient and resourceful than men, and they are fully capable of being under pressure for a long amount of time, which happens to be suitable for these kinds of positions. They also possess less aggressive tendencies and more leadership skills that could be beneficial to the organization.
Secondly, military jobs are just the same as any other jobs, with specific requirements and criteria. If a person, no matter what sex they are, can fulfill those requirements, they should get the position. Many women, because of the pressure from the society of not being the preferred gender in the army, have worked the best they can to achieve such impressive academic records and personal profile. And yet they still get rejected over their less competent male interviewee. That is tremendously unacceptable to me. Equality should be a goal that every organization needs to take into consideration. Of course, it is a systematic problem that will not be solved overnight.
In conclusion, women should be allowed to work in the military and be treated equally as their male coworkers. They have a lot to contribute to a nation’s defense force.

You must separate the paragraphs more clearly.

You meant I should add space between the paragraphs?

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A considerable number of people argue that females should not be rejected for positions in the military and that they should get equal treatment just as their male counterparts. I totally agree with this statement because women can obviously bring a lot to the table.


Your first paragraph is good, but it seems like you are trying too hard to paraphrase the words in the topic by using many synonyms. The result is awkwardness. You will impress the examiner much more if you show that you have understood the situation. Do not just translate the topic into other phrasing.

e.g.

Many nations do not allow women to serve in their military forces. Some people argue that this policy is discriminatory and should be changed, allowing women to take any position that they are qualified for. I completely agree with them.



My first and most important reason to back this up is that nowadays military work is not as physically demanding as it was back in the days when there were long marches and hand-to-hand combat. (The next phrase describes "the days". It does not fit. It is misplaced in the sentence.) due to the rapid technological change. Positions in management, machine control, and logistics are increasing in number, while infantry jobs are declining. the opposite. Coincidentally, women are naturally more patient and resourceful than men, and they are fully capable of being under pressure for a long amount of time, which happens to be requirements suitable for these kinds of positions. They also possess less aggressive tendencies and more leadership skills that could be beneficial to the organization.
Secondly, military jobs are just the same as any other jobs, with specific requirements and criteria. If a person, no matter what sex they are, can fulfill those requirements, they should get the position. Many women, because of the pressure from the society pressures and being blocked from military service of not being the preferred gender in the army, have worked the best they can to achieve such impressive academic records and personal profile. (That makes no sense. You cannot achieve a profile. A profile is the name, age, birthplace and other data. ) And yet they still get rejected over their less competent males. (The point is that they never get an interview, because they are disqualified from even applying.) interviewee. That is tremendously unacceptable to me. Equality should be a goal that every organization needs to take into consideration. (Resist the temptation to go off-topic by writing about consequences or solutions.) Of course, it is a systematic problem that will not be solved overnight.
In conclusion, women should be allowed to work in the military and be treated equally as men. their male coworkers. They have a lot to contribute to a nation’s defense force.

Trần Hoàng Châu Linh

You meant I should add space between the paragraphs?

Yes. One blank line. That marks the paragraphs clearly for the examiner.

Thank you so much for your help. I would be very grateful if you could kindly let me know which band score I can get for this essay?

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Trần Hoàng Châu Linh

Thank you so much for your help. I would be very grateful if you could kindly let me know which band score I can get for this essay?

I am not a trained examiner, so I do not guess band scores.

Thank you so much.