# Please Give Me Some Feedback On My IELTS Writing Task 1; I Welcome All Constructive Feedback. Thanks A Lot.

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The given visual demonstrates the percentage regarding ages - from below 19 to over 40 - in which Australian women had their first child born in 1966, 1986 and 2006. Overall, it is conspicuous that women living in 1966 and 1986 first gave birth when they were mostly between under 19 to 30, whereas it was between 25 and 39 for those in 2006.

In 1966, during their late 10s and early 20s, approximately 60 percent of Australian women gave birth to their first kid, which was nearly 20 percent higher than that in 1986 and almost twofold the 2006 figure. Additionally, half of 1986 women - in their late 20s - had their first children born, which was 10 percent higher than that in 1966 and 2006. Furthermore, almost 40 percent of those in 2006 got their first child in their early 30s, which doubled and quadrupled that in 1986 and 1966, respectively.

According to the graph, it is conspicuously illustrated that the percentage of birth in teenage has dropped continuously, from approximately 35 percent to about 10 percent. Conversely, more first child is born when their moms were in their late thirties, from less than a tenth to one-third. Moreover, percentage of first births given when moms are over 40 remains stable, exactly under 10%, over time.

The given visual diagram demonstrates the percentage regarding ages - from compares six different age groups of women in Australia (below 19 to over 40) - in which Australian women in terms of the percentage of them who had their first child born in 1966, 1986 and or 2006.

Overall, [ 1] the percentage of births declined, but the age of motherhood increased over that period. it is conspicuous that women living [ 2] in 1966 and 1986 first gave birth when they were mostly between under 19 to 30, whereas it was between 25 and 39 for those in 2006.

In 1966, during their late 10s and early 20s, approximately [ 3] 60% percent of first-time mothers in Australia were aged 19-24, and half as many were ten years older, while about a third were under 19. The rest accounted for about 20%.

Twenty years later, …

Finally in 2006, ….

. n women gave birth to their first kid, which was nearly 20 percent higher than that in 1986 and almost twofold the 2006 figure. Additionally, half of 1986 women - in their late 20s - had their first children born, which was 10 percent higher than that in 1966 and 2006. Furthermore, almost 40 percent of those in 2006 got their first child in their early 30s, which doubled and quadrupled that in 1986 and 1966, respectively.

According to the graph, it is conspicuously illustrated that the percentage of birth in teenage has dropped continuously, from approximately 35 percent to about 10 percent. Conversely, more first child is born when their moms were in their late thirties, from less than a tenth to one-third. Moreover, percentage of first births given when moms are over 40 remains stable, exactly under 10%, over time.

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[ 1]: Avoid waffle (it is conspicuous) in task 1.

[ 2]: Do not present details in the overall statement.

[ 3]: Use % instead of the word “percent”.

You just need to finish those two short body paragraphs I started for you above. Write clear and concise sentences. Revise and post below.

thanks a lot for your constructive feedback

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thanks a lot for your comment

You're welcome. Try to finish those last two short parts and post them below.

The diagram compares six different age groups of women in Australia (below 19 to over 40) - in terms of the percentage of them who had their first child born in 1966, 1986 and or 2006. Overall, the percentage of births declined, but the age of motherhood increased over that period.

In 1966, approximately 60% of Australian females aging 19 - 24 were first-time mother, which is half as many were ten years older and under 19. The rest accounted for about 20%.

Twenty years later, the percentage of first-time mother whose age was under 19 to 24 dropped to approximately 20% and 40%, respectively. Conversely, the 25-30, 30-34 and 34-39 age groups showed a substantial increase, with figures rising by approximately 10%, 5% and 4% correspondingly. The remaining group remained the lowest, at about 3%

Finally in 2006, despite the increase in two previous years, the under 19 to 30 age brackets decreased in parallel by about 10%, which contradicted the 30 - 39 age groups’ substantial increase. The former almost doubled, while the latter rocketed by 10%. Even the percent of over 40 females, who became first-mother, marginally rose to about 5%.

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hoanghankIn 1966, approximately 60% of Australian females aging 19 - 24 were first-time mother,

That is wrong (ungrammatical and nonfactual).

hoanghankwhich is half as many were ten years older and under 19

And that's worse!

I don't understand why you didn't use the sentence I wrote above. Did you not understand it?

hoanghank 19 to 24 dropped to approximately 20% and 40%, respectively.

That's one group and two percentages!

Revise your essay one more time.

For my first mistake, I don't understand why you wrote "60% of first-time mother ..." that's why I tried to change it. And for the other two, I tried to make my sentence succinct and assumed that people would understand. How can you make a sentence succinct and comprehensible ?

hoanghankFor my first mistake, I don't understand why you wrote "60% of first-time mothers ..."

I wrote that because that is what the diagram says!

hoanghankthat's why I tried to change it.

You rephrased it, but the meaning is still wrong! You are still misinterpreting what it is saying. It is not saying that 60% of ALL Australian women 19-24 years of age became first-time mothers!

hoanghankAnd for the other two, I tried to make my sentence succinct and assumed that people would understand. How can you make a sentence succinct and comprehensible?