i'm tryin to write an formal letter to couple of unversites , so please help with this letter .
this one is really bad , so if yáll can please add/fix/rebuild it or whatever so it will look better i will appreciate ! ( by the way , don't worry about the spelling )

dear coach ,
My name is Guy Cohen , i'm from israel and i'm suggesting myself (to a ) (for your) college.
let me tell you about me ,
i was born in 83' , i played since i was 10 . i was the best scoring in the yough team of "Hapoel Eilat ( in the first legaue ) . after the yough team i got recuited ( i had no choice ) to the army . it wasnt that bad , cause i had my "Active Player " rights , so i was able to play and keep on shape at the time .
I played at Yotveta for 3 years, and i became the leader of my team .
i decided that i need to get education , and the states is the only place to fulfill my dream , combing basketball and school at the same time.

at july 2004 , i went to the eatern invitiual camp , and i got a few offers from some colleges , but i couldnt afford it , cause its was a divion III , and it's not full scholarship .
i did go to hilldale college ( at michigan ) and did a try out game there, so u can ask the coach DUMA what is my skills .
fortunally , when i played in the camp , some french coach saw me there and invite me to a tour in paris... i went to paris , and i did my tour there .
it was nice , but i don't want to play for money , i want to learn and get more educated , since i'm pretty young.

that's why i came back to israel.

understood that the full scholarship is usually given at april or even before , so that's the reason i'm writing u so soon.
i attached my resume from the camp plus a few pictures , and since then i improved myself alot .
i workin' right now on my tape , so you'll see me in the future .

thank you for your time

sincerly yours ,
bla bla
Go through it and fix the spelling, punctuation, capital letters and so on, as you clearly have the English language ability to do so. This will make it far easier for us to read and therefore help you.

First tip though, you need to make it clear in the very first paragraph that you are writing to apply for an athletic scholarship, at the moment we don't find out what you are talking about until the very end.
nona the brit,

Great comments!

MountainHiker
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i re write it ! please fix it

Dear sir ,
My name is Guy Cohen , i'm from Israel and i would like to apply for an athletic scholarship at your college.
Let me tell you about me ,
I was born in 83' , i played since I was 10 .
I was the best scoring in the yough team of "Hapoel Eilat" - division I.
After the yough team i got recruited to the army (since there is no alternative).
It wasn't that bad , cause I had my "Active Player" rights , so I was able to play and keep on shape at the time .
I played at Yotveta for 3 years, and I became the leader of the team .
I decided I need to get education , and the states is the only place to fulfill my dream , combine basketball and school at the same time.

At july 2004 , I went to "Eatern Invitational" camp , and i got a few offers from some colleges , but i couldnt afford it , cause its was all division III , and it's not full scholarship .
I did go to "Hilldale" college ( at michigan ) and did a try out game, so u can ask the coach DUMA about my skills (Email Removed).
fortunally , when I played in the camp , some french coach saw me there and invite me to a tour in paris... I went to paris , and I did my tour there between 4 major teams.
My contact man were Fred , and he know me very well , so you can ask him as well (Email Removed).
The tour was nice , but i don't want to play for money , i want to learn and get more educated , since i'm pretty young.
that's why i came back to israel.

I understood that the full scholarship is usually given at april or even before , so that's the reason i'm writing you so soon.
i attached my resume from the camp plus a few pictures , and since then i improved myself alot .
i workin' right now on my tape , so you'll see me in the future .
my sat score is 900 and I willing to learn anything that involved with computers.

thank you for your time

sincerly yours ,
Guy Cohen

* this e-mail is toward to the head coach , please foward it's if it's wrong adress !
mohen,

Clearly you are capable of writing better than you have demonstrated here. Your spelling capitalization still needs work.

No one here is paid to assist. We help because we want to help. Thus, when we see other who do not put much effort into their work, we tend to skip over their message as well.

MountainHiker
wow are u serious ?
i really did my best ... please don't be hard on me
english is not my first language , and it's very hard for me to express myself .
all i'm tryin is that my letter will be more professional than it is ...
please guide me with this one ...
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Hi,

Yes, I am serious--we don't get paid for helping.

Here's the problem: If your current letter is truly the best you can do, then you are in trouble. You will not be able to function at the university level. You need to work on improving your English first.

Have you taken the TOEFL language test yet? Is your score sufficiently strong that you can gain access to university. If so, then surely you have the ability to improve your letter from where it is now?

If you can improve your letter by fixing your spelling and fixing your sentences, then I am more than willing to help you improve your letter. You need to think about what you want to say, and how you want to say it.

MountainHiker
Mohen,

Go through your letter and put it into a more formal style. You have the ability, so sort it out to the best possible draft you can, and then we will help you. Y

You have chosen to write a lot of in in colloqual slang - workin' instead of working, for example- and you have done this so well that you clearly do understand what you are doing. You have also used 'text-speak' like u for you. You need to capitalize all the 'I's.

You know you will have to change all these for your final draft so do it now, and then we will help. At the moment it seems that you want us to do all your work for you, and that is not what we do.