Hello Mods,

Please help me to correct this essay and predict its score if you can. Thank you!


Test question: Being a celebrity - such as famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

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My essay:


Fame has an impact on someone who achieves it. While some people believe that having fame gains them rewards, others argue that being famous has more disadvantages. In my opinion, celebrities suffer with the drawbacks of being famous more than the benefits of it bringing.


On the one hand, being famous has some significant rewards. First, celebrities do not face with financial problems because fame helps those famous people to gain a lot of money through receiving endorsements, attending events or being influencers for famous brands on social media. Thus, being famous helps celebrities to achieve financial freedom. In addition, having influence attracts publicity which helps to make celebrities' voice and opinions stronger and more appreciated. As a result, fame brings celebrities financial benefits and great influence.


On the other hand, having fame has more issues than advantages. Admittedly, despite having a lot of money, a celebrity’s needs are also costly including enhancing their physical appearance, having security or paying for expensive transportation as they usually have to travel so far for work. Furthermore, having a lot of attention means that celebrities are followed by paparazzi everywhere. In other words, celebrities can not do whatever they want as eating at a restaurant, shopping at a mall or having a freedom of speech. Therefore, being famous means having no private life.


To conclude, I believe that being famous has more issues than rewards. Although having financial benefits and good influence, celebrities have to pay a high personal price including spending a lot of money for their needs as well as having no private life.


Thank you for your time! Have a nice day!

Fame has an impact on someone who achieves it. While some people believe that having fame gains them rewards, others argue that being famous has more disadvantages. In my opinion, celebrities suffer from with the drawbacks of being famous more than they gain from the benefits of it bringing. (Ungrammatical)


On the one hand, being famous has some significant rewards. First, celebrities do not face with financial problems because fame helps them those famous people to gain a lot of money through receiving endorsements, attending events or advertising being influencers for famous (repetitive. You used "famous" quite a few times already.) brands on social media. Thus, being famous helps celebrities to achieve financial freedom. In addition, having influence attracts publicity which helps to make celebrities' voice and opinions stronger and more appreciated. As a result, fame brings celebrities financial benefits and great influence.(repetitious. You already made these points.)


On the other hand, having fame is frequently associated with has more difficulties / troubles issues than advantages. Admittedly, despite having a lot of money, a celebrity’s needs are also costly including enhancing keeping up their physical appearance, having security or paying for expensive first class transportation as they usually have to travel so far for work. Furthermore, having a lot of attention means that celebrities are followed by paparazzi everywhere. In other words, celebrities can not do whatever they want as eating at a restaurant, shopping at a mall or visiting a museum. having a freedom of speech. Therefore, being famous means having no private life.


To conclude, I believe that being famous has more negatives issues than rewards. Although they have money and fan clubs having financial benefits and good influence, celebrities have to pay a high personal price including spending a lot of money for their needs as well as having no private life.


You have a lot of repetition, so you need more examples, more varied vocabulary or additional argument points.

Also you wrote under 220 words, so you will also lose points for not writing the minimum 250 words).

Thank Mod a lot for correcting my essay. However, I have some questions:


1. Advertising brand or brand advertising? Because when I looked its meaning up, I only saw "brand advertising"

AlpheccaStarsadvertising brands

2. Why can't I use "admittedly" here? I looked up the way to use it but I'm still really confused.

AlpheccaStarsAdmittedly

3. I used "a freedom of speech" here to mean that celebrities can not say whatever they want because people stalk them everywhere and can cyberbully them when they say something wrong. If I want to use that idea, how could I rewrite it better?

AlpheccaStarshaving a freedom of speech.

Could I use "A freedom of speech" for this example:

Northern Korean citizens do not have a freedom of speech.


For the rest, I understand all and learn a lot of valuable vocabularies from you. Thank you a lot!

Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Phương Linh 85341. Advertising brand or brand advertising?

Just use "advertising". It includes the meaning of a product or brand.

They can get millions of dollars from advertising.

Phương Linh 85343. I used "a freedom of speech" here to mean that celebrities can not say whatever they want because people stalk them everywhere and can cyberbully them when they say something wrong.

That is not what "freedom of speech" means. The freedom of speech is one of the freedoms guaranteed by the US constitution. It means that anyone can criticize the government and say or write what they want without fear of being put on trial or in prison.

Phương Linh 8534Northern Korean citizens do not have a freedom of speech.

That is true. The "a" is not good grammar.

Phương Linh 85342. Why can't I use "admittedly" here?

It's not a good transition word there. Admittedly is used when you are acknowledging a point for the other side.

e.g Take this topic:

It is much better to learn face-to-face in a classroom with a teacher than it is to take virtual classes. To what extent do you agree? 

Your essay:
I completely agree.
...

Admittedly, you can take an online lesson at any time or anywhere, but it does not give the same positive learning experience when a teacher is guiding you and your classmates.

.You are conceding the argument for the other side (online learning), but you have a counterargument.

Thanks a lot for not only helping me with language problems, but also giving me new knowledge. But I still have 2 questions. I hope you don't mind.

1.

AlpheccaStarsJust use "advertising".

I'm wondering if "endorsement" is one of the types of "advertisement"?

If so, I just need to say:

Celebrities do not face with financial problems because fame helps them to gain a lot of money through advertising and attending events.

Is there no need to include "...through receiving endorsements, attending events and advertising"?

2. Thanks for explaining "admittedly" clearly. I'll make an example to test if I fully understand your point.

Can I use "Admittedly" like this: (topic question is this topic, my position is fame brings challenges more than it has benefits)

Admittedly, although fame brings great wealth, I believe that the challenge of having no privacy is much too high a price to pay.


And thank you a lot again!

Phương Linh 8534I'm wondering if "endorsement" is one of the types of "advertisement"?

It is, but the actions are different.

This race car driver endorses a certain brand of motor oil.

Football players endorse certain brands of athletic shoes - they wear a pair when they play. Off the field, they wear jackets or t-shirts with the company's insignia.

They allow companies to use their pictures in advertisements.

And they allow companies to interview them in promotions.

They might also directly advertise the product. Generally an endorsement is a contract for a period of a year or more.

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Phương Linh 8534Celebrities do not face with financial problems

"Face with" is incorrect.

There are two ways to use the verb "face".


1. Celebrities do not face financial problems.
Better: Celebrities do not have to deal with financial problems.

2. Celebrities are not faced with financial problems.

Phương Linh 8534Admittedly, although fame brings great wealth, I believe that the challenge of having no privacy is much too high a price to pay.

Incorrect.

Do not use another transition word like "although" or "despite." Follow the verb by a main clause stating what you admit.

Use a contrast word (but, however) for the second clause with the counterargument.

Admittedly, fame brings great wealth; however, I believe that giving up one's privacy is much too high a price to pay.

Admittedly, fame brings great wealth; however, it also entails the loss of privacy.

Admittedly, fame brings great wealth, but the tradeoff is having to protect oneself from paparazzi and nosy reporters.

Sorry for my late response!

Admittedly, the difference between the actions of endorsement and advertisement is quite hard to understand at first, but I managed to do so eventually.

Thank you a lot!

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