I posted this essay once but I haven't receiveded feedback yet (and I really understand that.) So I reposted it. I hope I can get feedback for this. Thank you Emotion: smile

Hi everyone, please help me to correct my IELTS Task 2! I would appriciate any help. Thank you!

Test question: Some students prefer to take a gap year between high school and university, to work or to travel. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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My essay:

Taking a gap year between highschool and university is popular in some countries nowadays. While some students pursue higher education after highschool, others defer university enrollment to travel or work. In my opinion, the advantages of this trend far outweigh any drawbacks.


Having a break between highschool and university has some significant disadvantages. First, it is expensive because gap-year takers have to pay for flights, accommodations and other needs if they want to travel. Thus, not everyone can afford this. In addition, taking a year-long break increases a risk of dropping out of college. This happens because those students might fall behind in studying after being away from formal schooling for a long time. Then it leads students to lose momentum and, stop studying as a result.


However, those problems can generally be resolved. Although traveling may cost a lot of money, students can have a part-time or full-time job to meet their needs. That not only provides a source of income but also helps those students gain invaluable experiences and hone practical skills needed for their future career which they can not develop in academic schools. In addition, senior high school students often make ignorant career choices. This happens because they usually embark on colleges at eighteen years old and at that age, they are so young to know what they want to do in terms of career. Therefore, traveling and working to help understand more about themselves before choosing a major is going to benefit students.


To conclude, I believe the rewards of such an experience make up for any disadvantages. Although delaying tertiary education for one year to work or travel can be expensive and increase a risk of dropping out of school, those who can overcome these will enrich their experiences and not regret about their career choices later on.

1 2

Taking a gap year between highschool and university is popular in some countries nowadays. (The present tense verb "is" expresses the same idea as "nowadays". "Nowadays" is rather informal, and is a little bit redundant.) While some students pursue higher education immediately / directly after highschool, others defer university enrollment to travel or work. In my opinion, the advantages of this trend (Learn to use pronouns. "This" refers to the previous idea stated. Also, there are two opposing ideas in the previous sentence. It is confusing as to which one "this" refers to." Your thesis statement needs to be clearer.) far outweigh any drawbacks.


Here is an example:

In my opinion, new graduates should take a year-long respite from the academic life to travel or gain work experience if at all possible as the rewards are immeasurable, and the few negatives are avoidable.



Admittedly, having (You need an appropriate transition word here.) a break between highschool and university has some significant disadvantages. First, it is expensive because gap-year takers (awkward) have to pay for flights, accommodations and other needs are costly if they want to travel. Thus, not everyone can afford this. In addition, it taking a year-long break (You need to study how to use pronouns effectively.) increases the a risk of dropping out of school entirely. college. This happens because those students might fall behind in studying or lose their study habits after being away from formal schooling for a long time. Then it leads students to lose momentum and, stop studying altogether. as a result.


However, those problems can generally be resolved. Although traveling may cost a lot of money, students can have a part-time or full-time job to meet their expenses. needs. That not only provides a source of income but also helps those students gain invaluable experiences and hone practical skills needed for their future career. These are not taught which they can not develop in academic schools. (A sentence should have one idea. You crammed several in this one sentence. It is best to make two.) In addition, senior high school students often make uninformed ignorant career choices. This happens because they usually pick a major discipline embark on colleges at eighteen years old and at that age, they are too so young to know what they want to do in terms of career. Therefore, traveling and working to help understand more about themselves better before choosing a major is going to benefit students.


To conclude, I believe the rewards of such an experience make up for any disadvantages. Although delaying tertiary higher education for one year to work or travel can be expensive and increase the risk of dropping out of school, those who can overcome these impediments will enrich their lives experiences and not regret about their career choices later on.

Thank you AlpheccaStars a lot for helping me! This feedback is really useful and I really admire for what you are doing to help us although there are so many essays everyday.

However, I have some questions to learn from my mistakes:

1.

AlpheccaStarsTaking a gap year between highschool and university is popular in some countries nowadays. (The present tense verb "is" expresses the same idea as "nowadays". "Nowadays" is rather informal, and is a little bit redundant.) While some students pursue higher education immediately / directly after highschool, others defer university enrollment to travel or work. In my opinion, the advantages of this trend (Learn to use pronouns. "This" refers to the previous idea stated. Also, there are two opposing ideas in the previous sentence. It is confusing as to which one "this" refers to." Your thesis statement needs to be clearer.) far outweigh any drawbacks.

I wrote the introduction with the structure: Opening sentence - Paraphrase - Thesis statement. Thus, if I write a thesis statement like in the example to make it clearer, my introduction would be so long. So, could I ask that it is possible to write only the Paraphrase sentence + Thesis statement?

For example:

While some students pursue higher education immediately after highschool, others defer university enrollment to travel or work. In my opinion, taking a year-long break from the academic life to travel or gain work experience if at all possible can outweigh any drawbacks.

2.

AlpheccaStarsFirst, it is expensive because gap-year takers (awkward) have to pay for flights, accommodations and other needs are costly if they want to travel.

Could I ask the word: "gap-year takers" is not a real word? Because I learned it from an IELTS book and I also saw it in some websites on Google.

Like this link: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/11603791/Gap-year-takers-less-likely-to-finish-university.html

And you crossed "have to pay for" because it is inapproriate here?

3.

AlpheccaStarsIn addition, it taking a year-long break (You need to study how to use pronouns effectively.) increases the a risk of dropping out of school entirely. college.

I already used "it" for "taking a gap year" in the second sentence of the paragraph, so I didn't want to repeat it. Therefore, could I ask I have to use a pronoun there?

Moreover, why couldn't I use "drop out of college" here? I thought it is the same with "drop out of school" and it is more specific than "drop out of school" because I am talking about university level now?

4.

AlpheccaStarsThis happens because those students might fall behind in studying or lose their study habits after being away from formal schooling for a long time.

Is "fall behind in studying" the wrong phrase? Could I write: "fall behind in their study"?

5.

AlpheccaStarsThen it leads students to lose momentum and, stop studying altogether. as a result.

"As a result" is not approriate here because I already have "Then" in a sentence?

6.

AlpheccaStarsIn addition, senior high school students often make uninformed ignorant career choices.

Could you tell me why I can't use "ignorant career choices" here? This phrase I learned from the IELTS book I mentioned.

7.

AlpheccaStarsAlthough delaying tertiary higher education for one year to work or travel can be expensive and increase the risk of dropping out of school, those who can overcome these impediments will enrich their lives experiences and not regret their career choices later on.

Could I ask "Delay tertiary education" is wrong? Because I saw it on Cambridge Dictionary: education at college or university level .

I used "these" here as a pronoun for the disadvantages I already mentioned, is that wrong?

Is "Enrich experiences" wrong? Could I rewrite as "enrich life experiences"?


Thank you for helping me again!

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.

For general impressions I have from reviewing many Task 2 essays, I put together a summary of major points.

Phương Linh 8534Thus, if I write a thesis statement like in the example to make it clearer, my introduction would be so long

There is no rule about the length of an introduction paragraph.
It is the most important paragraph in the essay. An experienced examiner will know the approximate band score only from reading the introduction.

The purpose is twofold:

1) Convince the examiner that you understand the question and focus of the topic presented.

2) Give your answer to the question(s) posed or what the main point will be. Prepare your reader's mind for your arguments.

Adam suggests 3-5 sentences in the introduction.

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Phương Linh 8534Could I ask the word: "gap-year takers" is not a real word?

It is very awkward. English allows hyphenated arbitrary words as noun modifiers, but they are pretty ugly to use. It is not very academic or formal. It is the mark of an author with limited writing skills, or someone who is lazy.

e.g. There have been many get-out-the-vote advertisements posted recently.

"Taker" is an English word, but it has a negative meaning in the most common usage.

There are givers and takers. 
Phương Linh 8534And you crossed "have to pay for" because it is inapproriate here?

No, I wrote the sentence in a better way.

Phương Linh 8534Is "fall behind in studying" the wrong phrase?

That is only for a context when the people are currently studying. One falls behind the others in the class because they spend more time playing video games than doing homework.

In a gap year, there is no student and they are not in class.

Phương Linh 8534"As a result" is not approriate here because I already have "Then" in a sentence?

Yes.

Phương Linh 8534Could you tell me why I can't use "ignorant career choices" here? This phrase I learned from the IELTS book I mentioned.

"Ignorant" is somewhat disparaging and insulting. "Uninformed" is much kinder.

Besides, the choice is not ignorant; the person making the choice is! The best phrase is "make a bad career choice out of ignorance."

Phương Linh 8534Could I ask "Delay tertiary education" is wrong?

Tertiary is not used at all in American English. In the UK, it means any kind of education post-secondary, such as getting Microsoft Office certificate, or learning a trade.

The topic is only about "university" which, in British English, is different from college. Tertiary education is off-topic.

In American English, college and university are synonymous.

Phương Linh 8534I used "these" here as a pronoun for the disadvantages I already mentioned, is that wrong?

You did not use the word "disadvantages." There were two clauses "work or travel can be expensive"... These are not really disadvantages, but things that must be overcome, circumvented, or avoided.

Since there is not a specific noun that is an antecedent for your pronoun, it is best to use a noun that covers both - suggestions are: impediments, obstacles, difficulties or problems.

Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.

Thank you Mod! I really appreciate your response. However, I'm still confused with some points. I hope you don't mind.

1.

AlpheccaStarsbut they are pretty ugly to use.

If hyphenated arbitrary words are ugly to use or informal, so how could we replace those words, for example, full-time or part-time jobs, self-esteem, mother/father - in - law, etc. in an essay? I believe those words are really common.

2.

AlpheccaStars"As a result" is not approriate here because I already have "Then" in a sentence?Yes.

As far as I'm concerned, "Then" and "As a result" are linking adjuncts. I just looked at some websites and got this result: More than one of them can occur in a single clause - (Characteristics of Adjuncts.) The link here: https://www.thoughtco.com/what-is-adjunct-grammar-1689066

So my question is, are "Then" and "As a result" the same kind of adjunct; therefore, they can not occur in the same sentence or something?

3.

AlpheccaStarsTertiary is not used at all in American English.

I found the word "tertiary education" in Long Man Dictionary and as far as I'm concerned, Long Man dictionary is the American English dictionary. The link is here: https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/tertiary-education

So I'm really confused.

4.

AlpheccaStarsYou did not use the word "disadvantages." There were two clauses "work or travel can be expensive"... These are not really disadvantages, but things that must be overcome, circumvented, or avoided. Since there is not a specific noun that is an antecedent for your pronoun, it is best to use a noun that covers both - suggestions are: impediments, obstacles, difficulties or problems.

I learned the way to conclude like Pauline Cullen, who is a test writer for Cambridge.

The test question: Many people choose to travel abroad to learn a foreign language instead of studying in their hometown.

Do the advantages of learning a new language this way outweigh the disavantages?

Her conclusion:


"To sum up, although some may struggle to adapt to the new culture and deal with financial issues, those who overcome these will undoubtedly be enriched by this invaluable experience. In my view, the potential benefits more than make up for any disadvantages.

So, my question is the way I applied her conclusion in my conclusion is wrong?


I hope you don't feel bothered. I just want to make my confusion clear. Thank you again!

Phương Linh 8534If hyphenated arbitrary words are ugly to use or informal, so how could we replace those words, for example, full-time or part-time jobs, self-esteem, mother/father - in - law, etc. in an essay?

I said "arbitrary words as noun modifiers". Specifically, I meant arbitrary noun adjuncts because hyphenated adjectives are common completely natural.

The expressions you listed are not arbitrary, but commonplace expressions that have been around for many many years. They have a dictionary entry. You can use any frequently-used dictionary words without concern.

"Gap year" is a noun. When you use it hyphenated as a noun adjunct, you will essentially be coining your own novel expression. You will not find a dictionary entry for it.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/part-time

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/full-time

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mother-in-law

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/self-esteem



Phương Linh 8534I found the word "tertiary education" in Long Man Dictionary and as far as I'm concerned, Long Man dictionary is the American English dictionary.

It may be used in specialized contexts in academia. I am an American with three university degrees, and I have never seen it used or used it myself. I speak from experience.

If you want an American English dictionary, the Merriam Webster is a good source. See entry ( 1. b) here.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tertiary

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