Dear all,

i have recently applied to university, and as required, i was supposed to write a personal statement of motivation.

the requirements are :
------------
The motivation letter has to include four items:

What is the international background you have, regarding nationality, place of birth or residence, previous education, international experience?

Why do you want to enroll in the English-language, International Program in Business Administration?

Why did you choose *** University?

What are your career aspirations?
------------------

i have looked over the site and at all the tips...and below you see what i have produced.
could you guys please look at what i have written and give me suggestions on how to improve.
Thank you very much.
--------------------------------------------

Dear Sir or Madam,

Motivation Letter

My name is ........... At the moment I am in progress of finishing the last year of the International Baccalaureate Diploma Program at the ......................... In May I will be taking my exams in Business Higher (H), Math (H), Economics Standard (S), Biology[H]Englishand Dutch (S). After obtaining my Diploma I am hoping to follow the International Business Administration course at UNI ***.

First a little about my past. I was born in ***. I lived six and a half years in ***, after which time I moved to the Netherlands. In six years I was growing up, I became attached to the fast moving and developing environment around me. With my parents being businessman and woman, traveling the world was part of my life, visiting countries in Europe as well as going to the east up to Thailand. I saw many cultures from a very young age, and this has without doubt made me more tolerant and unbiased of cultural differences which I find important when interacting in society, and in the future in the business world.
After coming to the Netherlands I immediately pursued an international education, which started at the American school in The Hague, and later led to the school *** where I began my studies to acquire the IB diploma.

Apart from school I was part of some non-curriculum activities. The Russian Club in Leiden for example. The club included Russian school, which I attended to help me maintain my Russian, but alongside this, the older members of the club including myself, organized public plays performed by the young and older children of the Russian community. This organizing of plays helped me develop organizational skills.
Last year I also worked at a voluntary youth summer camp, as a group leader, organizing events and activities both for the children and other staff of the camp, this allowed me to improve my leadership skills.
My other outside curriculum activities include water polo and the gymnasium. I go to the gym on average about 3-4 times a week. The sports complex at uni *** is definitely something I would like to join.
Apart from this I work on the Saturday market in Leiderdorp for an extra source of money.

My parents played a big part of my development towards the business world. After the fall of communism, my parents, having just finished their Universities, found themselves in a quickly developing world of business opportunities. Throughout my childhood I grew up with my parents always talking, thinking, and doing business. My parents took me with them on business trips and showed me their companies. My parents always told me how I would later become a businessman, and how great it would be, with all the opportunities. This has always stuck with me, and that is what I want to become.

In 2003 my mother had an idea to start up a business in the Netherlands, Teddy Kids Palace, a daycare center. This was perfect timing, as my Extended Essay was due to start. I already decided to do on a business, and the daycare gave me a perfect opportunity. I did an analysis on the target market, I helped my mom make a business plan, and calculate the appropriate prices. When it finally opened I also helped out with the administration work. Being involved in a real business, seeing it start up and turning into a successful company, only reinforced my desire to study business at university level and to hopefully later pursue it in my career life.

Now with my exams coming in May, I have been looking for possible universities to attend. I decided to look for a university in Holland mainly because I feel like this is my second home. The Dutch culture and the freedom, along with so many international people around, fits all my needs.
When choosing universities, *** and *** were my two final choices. When looking for information on the universities, *** stood out all the way, both by reputation and by the available courses. I would be very proud to be in a University that is ranked number eight in Europe.
I also have some acquaintances from *** one of which is currently following the IBA course. With all these incentives *** is definitely the University of my future.

I choose the IBA course because it fits my future and my international background.
In the past two year I have been studying Business and Economics at the *** . Although both subject interest me, I find that business attracts me more. Accounting and Finance was my favorite part of the syllabus, and after looking into the 3 year Bachelors program, I found the syllabus to be exactly what I was looking for.
For my future I looked in to the possible Masters degrees, Finance and Investments is where I see my future to lie in.

My friends have always said I have leadership qualities, and always try to be better then the rest. I try to set high goals in my life as well as achieve them. I like to have control over a situation, and I see myself to have both a critical as well as very strategic mind.
I am very confident that I will be able to complete the Bachelors program with success and am hoping to be challenged by the IBA course.

Regards
Artem

thanks for all your help guys
Hi, not too much wrong with your English, just a few errors, but the letter is far too disorganised and you are wandering too far from the point. I know they asked about your background, where you were born and so on, but they don't really care where you spent the first 6 and a half years of your life etc to that degree of detail.

Concentrate on the information they have asked for and make each of your 'facts' be something to help you win a place.

Try cutting this down by about 20% and post again for some help with the English.
Thank you nona for replying.

I have redone my motivation letter, trying to "sell myself to the university" more rather then telling my past.
Any more pointers that i should consider.
Thank you so much for all your help.

oh yea before i forget, they emailed from the uni telling me the motivation letter should be between 900 and 1200 words, currently it is 918 words.
----------------------------

Motivation Letter

My name is ***. At the moment I am in progress of finishing the last year of the International Baccalaureate Diploma Program at the ***. In May I will be taking my exams in Business Higher (H), Math (H), Economics Standard (S), Biology[H]Englishand Dutch (S). After obtaining my Diploma I am hoping to follow the International Business Administration course at UNI ***.

First a little about my past. I was born in Moscow, Russia in 1987 where i lived six years, before I moved to the Netherlands. With my parents being businessman and woman, traveling the world was part of my life, visiting countries in Europe as well as going to the east. I saw many cultures from a very young age, and this has without doubt made me more tolerant and unbiased of cultural differences which I find important when interacting in society, and in the future in the business world.
After coming to the Netherlands I immediately pursued an international education, which started at the American school in The Hague, and later led to the current school *** where I began my studies to acquire the IB diploma.

Now living in the Netherlands, I fluently speak English, Dutch, and Russian. Furthermore prior to the IB, I studied both German and Spanish for several years during the MYP years at the Rijnlands Lyceum. During the last two years I have been studying six subjects in great depth. My personal favorites, as well as best, have from the start been, Business and Economics. Studying the mechanics of the business world, and looking at a country from an economic prospective, interested me, and made me realize that I want to pursue my studies at university level on either of the two subjects.

Apart from school I was part of some non-curriculum activities. The Russian Club in Leiden for example. The club included Russian school, which I attended to help me maintain my Russian, but alongside this, the older members of the club including myself, organized public plays performed by the young and older children of the Russian community. This organizing of plays helped me develop organizational skills.
Last year I also worked at a voluntary youth summer camp, as a group leader, organizing events and activities both for the children and other staff of the camp, this allowed me to improve my leadership skills. I find myself to like having control over any situation, to have control over some task or job, and when required I consider myself to have quite strong leadership skills.
My other outside curriculum activities include water polo and the gymnasium. I go to the gym on average about 3-4 times a week. The sports complex at Erasmus is definitely something I would like to join.

Part of the IB curriculum is to write an Extended Essay in one of the six subject choices. Natural I choose business. In 2003 my mother started up a business in the Netherlands, Teddy Kids Palace, a daycare center. The daycare gave me an opportunity to study a real life business and combine this with the Extended Essay. I did an analysis on the target market, I helped create the business plan, and set the appropriate prices. When it finally opened I also helped out with the administrative work. Being involved in a real business, seeing it start up and turning into a successful company, only reinforced my desire to study business at university level and to hopefully later pursue it in my career life.
Now with my exams coming in May, I have been looking for possible universities to attend. I decided to look for a university in Holland mainly because I feel like this is my second home. The Dutch culture and the freedom, along with so many international people around, fits all my needs.
When choosing universities, *** and UNI X were my two final choices. When looking for information on the universities, UNI *** stood out all the way, both by reputation and by the available courses. I would be very proud to be in a University that is ranked number eight in Europe.
I also have some acquaintances from UNI *** one of which is currently following the IBA course. With all these incentives UNI *** is definitely the University of my future.

I choose the IBA course because it fits my future desire and my international background.
My studies of Business and Economics at the "my school ***" gave me an insight of what university courses might be like. Although both subjects interest me, I find that business attracts me more and so the IBA course at UNI *** suits me better then the more economic based course in UNI X . Furthermore Accounting and Finance along with Marketing was my favorite part of the syllabus, and after looking into the 3 year Bachelors program, I found the program to be exactly what I am looking for.
For my future I looked in to the possible Masters degrees, Finance and Investments is where I see my future. Thinking about my career I think at the moment is a bit hard to say for sure, but I definitely want my life to revolve around a business world, to work with a large multinational company, where I can pursue my goals, and put my use of an international background to use.

I am very confident that I will be able to complete the Bachelors program with success and am hoping to be challenged by the IBA course.

Thanks again for all your help.
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.
i look throgh your personal statement...and i found it very interesting, i took some ideas for my statement..:-) Molodetc! Ydachi:-) anya

I hope for the best for you that you get admission in the University