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Hi there! This is my essay for university application. Please help me proofread it! Thanks!

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”- Our teacher asked us - sixth-graders - one by one. Teachers, doctors, and dancers – these were the common professions named by the female sixth-graders in my class. Meanwhile, my mind was racing, “what do I want to say?”, when my name was called flashes of memories came to my mind. The first flashback was when helping my father to repair the light bulbs in our house, I can still recall extreme excitement and curiosity about how everything works. The second flashback was a scene I recall from my early teenage year, taking the batteries out from my toys to illuminate the light bulbs, dreaming one day to invent something of my own. After these flashbacks, I stood up and said “engineer”, followed by a short pause my classmates laughed. In XXXX, most of the women pursue careers in medicine, education, or the last option is to become a housewife. But, stereotypes that engineering programs are not “suitable” for females influence the career decisions XXXX women make. It is not acceptable that people’s dreams and career aspirations can be affected by social and cultural barriers. In my country, engineering is considered a masculine job and only 16-20% of females choose to pursue engineering programs. The idea that it is “too difficult” for women is extremely common in XXXX. Young girls do not even consider the STEM fields when choosing a prospective profession due to gender stereotypes. For this reason, many do not think about continuing their education after high school. Another reason is the lack of support from parents and school, also the absence of female role models in the STEM field does not give incentive to the younger female generation. As an XXXX young woman, I aspire to be an example to all the girls in my country and other developing countries by pursuing a career in a STEM-related field. Through my example, I would like to represent that STEM is not gender-specific and encourage more women to enroll in engineering programs as well as other STEM-based majors.

My two older sisters have studied in XXXX and one of them obtained a Master’s Degree (MS) from XXXX University. I would like to follow her steps and explore XXXX and its rich cultural heritage while receiving a world-class education.

My mother tongue is XXXX and I grew up learning XXXX and English. My family always said, “The more languages you know, the more opportunities you will have”. This phrase captivated my attention and after living in the U.S., receiving education entirely in English for a whole academic year, I developed an interest in different cultures and languages. I learned German and Chinese, and I am now interested in learning XXXX. If I were accepted to XXXX University, I would learn XXXX ( a sport).

I am strongly dedicated to bringing diversity to XXXX University. I would be very delighted to volunteer and participate in language exchange clubs and represent my country, XXXX language, cuisine, costume, and everything related to my country. I want to learn and share my knowledge and help my community by inspiring all the young girls out there who are scared to chase their dreams in STEM-related fields. I believe that the next Lillian Gilbreth or Edith Clarke, who inspired me to pursue STEM fields, can be discovered in XXXX and I aspire to be the one.

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I have given some suggestions to the first part of your letter. I don't know if they will be helpful.


"What do you want to be when you grow up?,”our teacher asked my class of sixth-graders, one by one. "A teacher! A doctor! A dancer!" were the immediate and enthusiastic responses from the girls. female sixth-graders in my class. Meanwhile, my mind was racing, “What do I want to be?” When my name was called, flashes of memories came to my mind. The first flashback was when I was helping my father to replace repair the light bulbs in our house. I recalled my extreme excitement and curiosity about how everything worked. The second flashback was a scene of I recall from my early teenage year, taking the batteries out of from my toys to examine how the were connected and what they did. I had dreamed of being an inventor like Edison. to illuminate the light bulbs, dreaming one day to invent something of my own. After these flashbacks, I stood up and said “An engineer!”, followed by After a short pause my classmates laughed in surprise and disbelief.

In XXXX, most of the women pursue careers in medicine, education, or marry into money and the last option is to become a housewife. But, st The tenacious and persistent stereotypes that engineering programs are not “suitable” for females influence the career decisions XXXX women make. It is not acceptable a reality that people’s dreams and career aspirations can be are governed affected by social and cultural barriers. In my country, engineering is considered a profession for men, so masculine job and only 16-20% of females choose to pursue students in engineering programs are women..

Comments  

1- What is the word limit for this letter?

2- What is the submission deadline?

3- Which areas were you asked to cover in the letter?

Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?

Hi! Thank you for writing! Here are the answers:

1) The word limit is within 1,000 words.

2) The deadline is March 1st, so it is coming soon.

3)I was asked to describe the reasons for wishing to attend the School of Science and Engineering and study at the Civil and Environmental Engineering Major, and my vision for the future.

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 AlpheccaStars's reply was promoted to an answer.
sevinch3)I was asked to describe the reasons for wishing to attend the School of Science and Engineering and study at for selecting the Civil and Environmental Engineering Major

You haven't addressed that point. You need to refer to that actual institution and explain what it offers that is so special. Also, you need to refer to the major.

sevinchand my vision for the future.

Again, you have not addressed that. Talk about your future goals and aspirations and what you aim to do after you finish that degree and how the degree will help you:

- achieve your personal goals.

- contribute to your profession.

- contribute to your society/country.

You have enough time before the deadline, so I suggest you start over and redo the letter. Start with a brief introductory paragraph about yourself and your background. Then write another one about your achievements (curricular and otherwise). And then write about the specific areas they mentioned. Try to be as direct and specific as possible. Post the new version below.

Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.

Hello! Thank you so much! I see what you mean. I will post my new version. Thank you once again!

My country, XXXX has a broad range of environmental issues such as the drought of the Aral Sea, which used to be the fourth-largest lake in the world. It has now declined to 10 percent of its original size and has negatively impacted over 4 million people and countless aquatic species. I’m highly interested in learning about how to solve environmental issues through engineering lenses. Thus, I chose Civil and Environmental Engineering as my major. Additionally, I chose to study in XXXX because it is one of the most innovative and modern countries in regards to its dedication to solving natural disasters.

Moreover, in my country engineering is considered a masculine job and only 16-20% of females choose to pursue engineering programs. The idea that it is “Too difficult” for women is extremely common in XXXX. Young girls do not even consider the STEM fields when choosing a prospective profession due to gender stereotypes. As an XXXX young woman, I aspire to be an example to all the girls in my country by pursuing a career in a STEM-related field. Through my example, I would like to represent that STEM is not gender-specific and pursue my goal of becoming an engineer as well as encourage more women to enroll in engineering programs.

I developed a strong desire to study abroad after my experience of studying for a whole academic year in XXXX State in the US. I believe living and studying abroad have prepared me well to pursue my education at XXXX University. Another reason that encouraged me to apply to XXXX University is the practical education it offers. As it is the first private university in XXXX that established a science and engineering department on campus, I am confident that I will acquire the necessary knowledge and experience to solve various global issues and develop practical skills. Additionally, I would have the opportunity to pursue the engineering profession in English and simultaneously learn a new language and immerse myself in XXXX culture. Currently, I am fluent in 4 languages, including Russian, Chinese, and German, and look forward to learning the XXXX language.

Moreover, I am strongly dedicated to bringing diversity to XXXX University. I would be very delighted to volunteer and participate in language exchange clubs, social gatherings and represent my country and its culture among the XXXX University’s student community. I intend to become an engineer who can bring innovative solutions and solve environmental problems. Looking at the future, my goal is to work for XXXX companies that address environmental and social problems as well as natural disasters through technology and science. I am also interested in attaining a master’s degree in Civil and Environmental Engineering. Furthermore, I plan to inspire all the young women who are scared to chase their dreams in STEM-related fields. I believe that the next Lillian Gilbreth or Edith Clarke, who inspired me to pursue STEM fields, can be discovered in XXXX and I aspire to be the one.

My country, XXXX has a broad range of is facing various environmental issues such as the drought of the Aral Sea, which used to be the fourth-largest lake in the world. It has now declined to 10 percent of its original size and has negatively impacted over 4 million people and countless aquatic species. I’m I am highly interested in learning about how to solve environmental issues through engineering. lenses. Thus, I chose Civil and Environmental Engineering as my major. Additionally, I chose to study in XXXX because it is one of the most innovative and modern countries, especially when it comes to dealing with in regards to its dedication to solving natural disasters.

Moreover, in my country engineering is considered a masculine job profession, and only 16-20% of females choose to pursue engineering programs. The idea that it is “too difficult” for women is extremely common in XXXX. Young girls do not even consider the STEM fields when choosing a prospective profession due to gender stereotypes. As an XXXX young woman, I aspire to be an example to all the girls in my country by pursuing a career in a STEM-related field. Through my example, I would like to represent demonstrate that STEM is not gender-specific and pursue my goal of becoming an engineer as well as encourage more women to enroll in engineering programs.

I developed a strong desire to study abroad after my experience of studying for a whole academic year in XXXX State in the US. I believe living and studying abroad have prepared me well to pursue my education at XXXX University. Another reason that encouraged me to apply to XXXX University is the practical education it offers. As it is the first private university in XXXX that established a science and engineering department on campus, I am confident that it will help me acquire the necessary knowledge and experience to solve various global issues and develop relevant practical skills. Additionally, I would have the opportunity to pursue the engineering profession in English and simultaneously learn a new language and immerse myself in XXXX culture. Currently, I am fluent in 4 languages, including Russian, Chinese, and German, and I look forward to learning the XXXX language.

Moreover, I am strongly dedicated to bringing diversity to XXXX University. I would be very delighted to volunteer and participate in language exchange clubs, social gatherings and to represent my country and its culture among the XXXX University’s student community. I intend to become an engineer who can bring devise innovative solutions and solve environmental problems. Looking at the future, my goal is to work for XXXX companies that address environmental and social problems as well as natural disasters through technology and science. I am also interested in attaining obtaining a master’s degree in Civil and Environmental Engineering. Furthermore, I plan to inspire all the young women who are scared to chase may be reluctant to pursue their dreams in STEM-related fields. I believe that the next Lillian Gilbreth or Edith Clarke, who inspired me to pursue STEM fields, can be discovered in XXXX, and I aspire to be the one.

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