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Thank you MountainHiker and Respiter. You two guys took different approaches, but both of you intended to help.

Respiter, you appeared to be quite straightforward and pretty critical. I know you were meaning to help. I will take your valuable information.

MountainHiker, thank you for your words. You are really responsible. Thanks a lot.

I am pretty busy these days. So it seems impossible to work out a revesied one. I'll try my best to do it soon, though.
Hey Bright,

Let me admit that nobody is perfect. I am no exception to that. We need to correct ourselves when we realise there is something wrong in the way we make an approach towards things that are very important.. If you need more help(critics ([Emotion: smile]) ) let me know...

Cool Man,
No qualms..
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
I viewed some of the motivation letters and the top two threads only to find that I was in a completely wrong approach. So I drafted a brand new one. I don't know if I am doing better, so please Respiter and Mountain Hiker help me again and offer your most kindly comments and suggestions. For your time and intelligence I appreciate it very much.

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Dear Sir or Madam:

I am seeking an intern with your company as a newsletter supporter.

Currently I am a student studying computer science in Beijing Jiaotong University in Beijing, China.

After my first year in my university I started an intern for Lilac English Group in my hometown. I worked as a teaching assistant, which requires a two-way translation of English and Chinese during class between the foreign teacher and adult students. The demanding job not only enhanced my capability of improvised translation and cooperating skills, but evoked my interest in different lives outside China and desire for an international work environment for a career.

After the disastrous SARS infection in 2003, my friends and I formed a work group for a project of a MIS (Management Information System) for a chicken warehouse in Zhengda Group (known as Charoen Pokphand Group outside China). We did the whole project all by ourselves, from requirement specification making, database designing to application installation and maintenance. This 3-month experience made me rather proficient with Visual Basic 6.0 and SQL Server 2000. What’s more, I learned to cooperate with my teammates and customers in a more efficient way. Since then, I am fascinated by database programming and web developing. I devoted my career a database and network related one.

In September, 2004, I started working in the School of Computer and Information and Technology on a nationwide power plant network. The extreme large project includes tens of developers, from professors to undergraduates. For me, the project is project management and cooperation understanding more than familiarity with JBuilder and Oracle.

In the mean time with the project of National Power Plant Networks, I joined local committee of AIESEC in my university. With seminars and meetings all around the world, my curiosity on lives abroad escalated to culture fascination. The great opportunity to work abroad presents me a brand new direction of my career. A challenging experience abroad would provide me a positive push for my future research or career.

The opportunity to work technically in a young team in Germany confirms my determination of working in your company. Due to my former work experience, I can define myself a young, motivated, ambitious person who is able to learn quickly and a team worker. I can offer competent technical skills, proficient language skills and an unparalleled cultural diversity. I believe my experience in your company would be a reciprocal beneficial success.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration and I am looking forward to your favorable reply.

Sincerely,

Bright
Dear Sir or Madam:

I am seeking an intern [position] with your company as a newsletter supporter [is that what it is called?].

Currently I am a student studying computer science in Beijing Jiaotong University in Beijing, China.

After my first year in my university I started intern [position] for [the] Lilac English Group in my hometown. I worked as a teaching assistant, which requires a two-way translation of English and Chinese during class between the foreign teacher and adult students. [This] demanding job not only enhanced my capability of [improvised?] translation and [cooperation] skills, but [strengthened] my interest [to learn about people who live]outside [of] China and desire [to work in an international environment].

After the disastrous SARS infection in 2003, my friends and I formed a work group for a MIS (Management information systems] project [a chicken warehouse in Zhengda Group (known as Charoen Pokphand Group outside China)...this needs to be better integrated.]. We did the [complete] project all by ourselves, from [determining the requirements and writing specifications] to [designing the database as well as installing the application and maintenance]. This 3-month experience made me rather proficient with Visual Basic 6.0 and SQL Server 2000.[try rephrasing last sentence in active voice] What’s more [Moreover?], I learned to cooperate with my teammates and customers in a more efficient way.[rephrase] Since then, I am fascinated by database programming and web developing. I devoted my career a database and network related one.[rephrase]

In September, 2004, I started working in the School of Computer and Information and Technology on a nationwide power plant network. The extreme large project includes tens[I'd use 20-30 or something] of developers, from professors to undergraduates. For me, the project is project management and cooperation understanding more than familiarity with JBuilder and Oracle.

try fixing up the previous stuff, and then we'll look at your remaining paragraphs. It's pretty good, though.



In the mean time with the project of National Power Plant Networks, I joined local committee of AIESEC in my university. With seminars and meetings all around the world, my curiosity on lives abroad escalated to culture fascination. The great opportunity to work abroad presents me a brand new direction of my career. A challenging experience abroad would provide me a positive push for my future research or career.

The opportunity to work technically in a young team in Germany confirms my determination of working in your company. Due to my former work experience, I can define myself a young, motivated, ambitious person who is able to learn quickly and a team worker. I can offer competent technical skills, proficient language skills and an unparalleled cultural diversity. I believe my experience in your company would be a reciprocal beneficial success.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration and I am looking forward to your favorable reply.

Sincerely,

Bright
Thank you Mountain Hiker. Here is a revised version of the motivation letter.

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Dear Sir or Madam:

I am seeking a position with your company as a Customer Supporter.

Currently I am a student studying computer science in Beijing Jiaotong University in Beijing, China.

After my first year in my university I started a position for the Lilac English Group in my hometown. I worked as a teaching assistant, which requires a two-way translation of English and Chinese during class between the foreign teacher and adult students. This demanding job not only enhanced my capability of improvised translation and cooperation skills, but strengthened my interest to learn about people who live outside China and desire to work in an international environment.

After the disastrous SARS infection in 2003, my friends and I formed a work group for a project of a MIS (Management Information System). The project was for a chicken warehouse in Zhengda Group (known as Charoen Pokphand Group outside China). We did the complete project all by ourselves, from determining requirements and writing specifications to designing the database as well as installing the application and maintenance. With 3-month hard work I made myself rather proficient with Visual Basic 6.0 and SQL Server 2000. Moreover, I learned to how to cooperate with my teammates while finishing assigned tasks independently. Since then, fascinated by database programming and web developing, I devoted my career a database and network related one.

In September, 2004, I started working in the School of Computer and Information and Technology on a nationwide power plant network. The extreme large project includes more than 30 developers, from professors to undergraduates. For me, the project is project management and cooperation understanding more than familiarity with JBuilder 2005 and Oracle 9i.

In the mean time with the project of National Power Plant Networks, I joined local committee of AIESEC in my university. With seminars and meetings all around the world, my curiosity on lives abroad escalated to culture fascination. The great opportunity to work abroad presents me a brand new direction of my career. A challenging experience abroad would provide me a positive push for my future research or career.

The opportunity to work technically in a young team in Germany confirms my determination of working in your company. Due to my former work experience, I can define myself a young, motivated, ambitious person who is able to learn quickly and a team worker. I can offer competent technical skills, proficient language skills and an unparalleled cultural diversity. I believe my experience in your company would be a reciprocal beneficial success.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration and I am looking forward to your favorable reply.

Sincerely,

Zhu Liang (Bright)
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Dear Sir or Madam:

I am seeking a customer service position. [given your background, I think you want more than that.]

Currently I am a student studying computer science in Beijing Jiaotong University in Beijing, China.

After my first year in my university I started working for the Lilac English Group in my hometown. I worked as a teaching assistant, which requires a two-way translation of English and Chinese during class between the foreign teacher and adult students. This demanding job not only enhanced my capability of improvised translation and cooperation skills, but strengthened my interest to learn more about people who live outside China and a desire to work in an international environment.

After the disastrous SARS infection in 2003, my friends and I formed a work group for a MIS (Management Information Systems) project. The project was for a chicken warehouse in Zhengda Group (known as Charoen Pokphand Group outside China). We did the complete project all by ourselves, from determining requirements and writing specifications to designing the database as well as installing the application and maintenance. With three months of hard work, I became very proficient with Visual Basic 6.0 and SQL Server 2000 (and databases in general?). Moreover, I learned to function very effectively within a team framework as well as work independently to ensure that my assigned tasks were completed on schedule. That project acted as a catalyst to further my interest in education in database programming and web development. Moreover, I fully appreciate the business objectives that technology helps to support. The project was a complete success with everyone having learned and gained a tremendous amount of knowledge and experience.

In September, 2004, I started working in the School of Computer and Information and Technology for a nationwide power plant network. The extreme large project includes more than 30 developers, from professors to undergraduates. For me, the project is project management and cooperation understanding more than familiarity with JBuilder 2005 and Oracle 9i. This project further enhances my appreciation of how technology further business objectives.

In the mean time with the project of National Power Plant Networks, I joined local committee of AIESEC at my university. With seminars and meetings all around the world, I anxious to be able to meet and learn from people all around the world. I am fascinated by different lifestyles and cultures. The great opportunity to work (which opportunity...we need to make this smoother) abroad presents me a brand new direction of my career. A challenging experience abroad would provide me a positive push for my future research or career. [But we also have to give them something. Right now you have a valuable skillset...you know and speak English but you are completely fluent in Chinese given that's your background...your skills should be in strong demand]

Review the former stuff, and see if you like it. Make any changes that are appropriate.


The opportunity to work technically in a young team in Germany confirms my determination of working in your company. Due to my former work experience, I can define myself a young, motivated, ambitious person who is able to learn quickly and a team worker. I can offer competent technical skills, proficient language skills and an unparalleled cultural diversity. I believe my experience in your company would be a reciprocal beneficial success.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration and I am looking forward to your favorable reply.

Sincerely,

Zhu Liang (Bright)
Hi MountainHiker,

I lost my password at a time. So it took years for me to finish this thread. : ) Thanks to your help, I find an intern in Italy!

I'm going Italy this Monday. Hopefully I could have access to this website. Keep in touch!

Bright