Here is one motivation letter I sent to a company in Switzerland. Unfortunately I failed at last. I thought there should be some critical problems in my motivation letter. Please give me some critics. Thank you very much.

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Dear Hiring Manager,

I am an undergraduate from Beijing Jiaotong University in Mainland of China writing in response to the position you posted recently as being open with your company.

I am fully motivated in working in your company in Switzerland. Firstly, Switzerland is a country I have been longing for a long time. Switzerland lies at the intersection of three great European cultures. It is a peaceful country with cultural diversity. I am seeking for an international working environment because I’d like my life full of challenges and novelties. People from different culture background enrich my life as well as enhancing my open-mindedness. Secondly, the position you provided just matches my major, which is also my interest. During my time at school, most of my technical experience is on database management and programming, which is just suitable for the position role. I devoted my career to database related work. So it is just perfect.

I believe I am the most suitable one for the position in your company. Firstly, I have a competitive background. As a computer science major, I have an excellent background both academically and practically. I am among the top 20 people in my department with rich experience in database management and relevant experience in marketing, as is written in my CV. Secondly, I am the most motivated and prepared one for the position. As is mentioned in the previous paragraph, I have a strong intention in working in Switzerland. I am proficient in reading, writing and speaking in English which eliminated comprehension and communication obstacles. Moreover, I am independent as well as cooperative in a team. From my CV, you could see that I have rich experience in working in a team and successfully completed my tasks on my own efforts. Last but not least, my arrival would provide your company an incomparable diversity. Born and brought up in an ancient country, China, I have my working and thinking style rather different from people who come from western countries. Your company would work better if I provide my point of view from a different angle.

I have to admit that I have a disadvantage. It is that I don’t speak German. This would be the major problem for me in Switzerland. But I figure it could be easily overcome. I am a young easy-going person and a quick learner. I could spend much of my spare time talking with native speakers and sharing our interest, and it would not take me long to smooth up the language ruffles.

In a word, I believe my experience in your company would be a reciprocal beneficial process. All I need is a chance, an opportunity to exploit and show my potential. Will you be the one that gives me such an opportunity?

Thank you very much for your time and consideration, please DO consider my profile seriously.

Sincerely and Respectfully,

Bright
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bright,

For a non-native English speaker, you write well. That said, there are several areas you need to strengthen.

Your opening sentence needs to be strengthened.
I am an undergraduate from Beijing Jiaotong University in Mainland of China writing in response to the position you posted recently as being open with your company.


What position, where?

The main body of your essay seems somewhat "flowery" or overly wordy. Try to be more direct. Also, you want the focus on what you can do for them, not what they can do for you. Another point, be careful with some of your wording. For example,
Secondly, the position you provided just matches my major, which is also my interest.


The way you used "just" appears as though they are lucky that their position barely managed to meet your major. "Just" as used is an adverb that means, "Precisely; exactly: just enough salt" or "By a narrow margin; barely: just missed being hit; just caught the bus before it pulled away."

Quotes taken from Gurunet.com which sourced its information from The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition Copyright © 2003 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.

I would also not admit to having a disadvantage. Rather, I would simply say that you a young, motivated, ambitious person who is able to learn quickly.

Also, I would not challenge the company.
Will you be the one that gives me such an opportunity?
Some might like it, but it will upset others. Similarly, don't use capital words such as "DO" in the following: "Thank you very much for your time and consideration, please DO consider my profile seriously." That seems like you are giving a strong command. Instead, thank them for having taken the time and effort to review your application and you look forward to their positive or favorable reply.

I don't care much for "Firstly, Secondly, Thirdly, Fourthly, Fifthly etc." I simply use "First, Second, Third etc."

Finally, when I sign a letter, I only capitalize the first word. So

"Sincerely and Respectfully," simply becomes, "Sincerely and respectfully,"

But if it were me, I would just use one word, "Sincerely,"

I hope these comments are helpful.

MountainHiker
Hi Bright116,

I happened to read through your motivation letter.
I think there was a serious problem with the approach than the grammar......
I am sorry to say it is less of motivation and more of self-affection. Let's face it, if you think you are the right person, then try to enunciate it in such a way that you are not struggling to prove that point.... you know what i am saying. You need not prove each and every point and give examples to justify your selection for the given position. One important thing which stands out of your Motivation Letter is the fact that you are trying to be very different and not being rationale in your approach.

A company, which is on a recruitment binge would definitely ignore these points, but a company which is looking for specific skills/skillsets would definitely consider and interpret in a very different way. All you have to do is to let them know that you have hands on experience and required skill and qualification.. That inturn would be the attitude, which is very important in todays world. To be a bit cocky(read arrogant) is not digestable, but in your case you have been submissive and above all you were creating doubts in their minds. You have to carry more conviction while you speak or write which was missing in your motivation/motivational letter... Overall, you need to frame your letter in a simple way than to make it look like a maze...No hardfeelings, everything is going to be fine

Hope you silence the critics this time(i am one of the critics)...

all the best
Emotion: smile
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MountainHiker,

Thank you very much for your professional comments and suggestions. : )

There is a really great difference between English and Chinese writing styles. Chinese is more descriptive and Chinese authors usually describes the whole context to lead readers to their intention. On the other hand, English is more precise and direct. Always and subconsciously I write in English with Chinese style. I think practice is needed.

There's another concern. In my letter I show my interest in the country without explaining why I would like to work in the company. Should I add this ?

I would rewrite my letter and post it again. Though it is now no use for the job, I think it would be good for my writing skills and future job hunting.
Respiter,

Hmm..., you are a real critic!Emotion: smile

Indeed, I went a wrong approach. I should enunciate my motivation instead of listing and proving my suitability for the position. But if I write too much of my motivation, how could I persuade them my suitability. That is also where my confusion lies.

I am a beginner of writing motivation letters so please feel free to offer your critics. How could a motivation letter outstand me? In what approach?

Thank you for your critics and I am calling for more .... : )
Hey Pal,

Let me tell you something.

With motivation comes the suitability, comes the attitude, comes the selection.
Make sure the letter or the application looks real professional than being colorful.
Follow the rule "keep it simple and stupid/sweet".
Your profile should have less than 6 points defining your character and personality.
A "Personal Mission Statement" is a must to prove your loyalty and integrity.
This sounds grim but can't help it...
Your application should not be elaborate but precise.
Be careful with direct speech and indirect speech.
Understand one thing-What you write is what is assumed.

Try to be empathetic and put yourself in the interviewer's shoes.
Think Global.....
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respiter,

I almost deleted your message. I do not like your tone. However you message does contain some valuable input.

You appear to have zero appreciation of the difficulty for someone learning a completely strange and foreign language. What might seem so very obvious to you is often new and difficult to them.

Maybe you ought to try to be more emphathetic and put yourself in the writer's shoes when giving advice.

Think like a normal caring person.

MountainHiker
Hi Bright,
You asked for more and I gave more.. No hardfeelings.
I know you are a nice guy trying to learn something outlandish to you.
I thought i would be straightforward in my approach so that you could learn from mistakes.
Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you with the tone I have used.
You have been really honest in your approach and you are working hard towards it.
It will definitely bear fruit if you make small changes in your approach....nothing sarcastic here. It is plain and open...

P.S. No hardfeelings Mountain Hiker..

All the best,
Truly,
Respiter
Hi,

Thank you. Much better. I look forward to your continued participation.

MountainHiker
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