This is my second essay here. I took this question out from the University of Cambridge O'Level English paper. It is a June paper of this year. The question is the one in bold. I hope to get critques on my essay and tell me mistakes of any kind that I have made in this piece of essay. And does my story follows the question? Or is it out of point? I hoped to give it a different approach rather than betraying a friend and coming back again. That sounds very common to me.
Thanks

One day you made a bad mistake which upset other people. Write about how you tried to put things right.

For weeks, we had been together for everything - from home to work until work to home. The intimacy between Kate and I had became immense for just 2 weeks. I had almost forgotten about my lovely fiancée, Jane, who was still studying her university degree in England. Perhaps, it was the absence of intimacy – Jane was in England for 2 years – which had caused the relationship between Kate and me to sparkle. But neither Kate nor Jane knew that I had another girl.

During one of the dinner I had with Kate, Jane called my mobile and said she had come back from England. She wanted me to fetch her from the airport. The call was too abrupt and I do not know what to do. If I were to leave Kate and go to the airport, she may request to go with me. However, if I were to ignore Jane and continue with Kate, I will disappoint Jane. I was in a dilemma for a moment before I made my decision. I decided to continue with Kate and asked my parents to fetch Jane from the airport to prevent any suspicion.

I knew this could not carry on like this. I told myself to explain to Kate about everything that it was just a misunderstanding before Jane started to suspect me. But it was not easy to speak up to her with such a subject. I procrastinated for a few days, hoping that Jane will not detect any aura so soon. Unfortunately, Jane was wit enough to sense something amiss. She knew I was not behaving correctly for the days she had since come back from England.

One evening after work, she came to the canteen of my work place. She was waiting for me to dine together. However, I was not informed. I walked with Kate to the canteen from our office. I did not notice her presence until somebody stood up and stamped out of the canteen to the road. At that nick of time, all I worried was how bad would Jane felt. I chased after her, leaving Kate at the canteen. By the time when I was at the road, Jane had hailed a cab and went off. I began to feel butterflies in my stomach as I did not know what to do next. With some luck, I hopped into an approaching cab. I asked the driver to follow the cab Jane was in.

Both our taxis reached a beach where there were only the both of us. She was there crying. I expected a quibble. But she did not. I knew she was simply too dishearten to even say anything. I started to explain everything from the beginning. She did not believe initially. I had to call up Kate and switch my cell phone to speaker mode in front of her to vindicate. I was very anxious at that moment. What would happen if Kate said we were in a relationship and they started to argue? I cursed myself in my heart for what I had done.

When our lines were connected, I could hear the voice of a sobbing lady. She explained that she knew I had a fiancée long before we had been together. She just pretended that she did not know to give herself an excuse to get near me. She had expected this day to come and confessed that it was just her wishful thoughts. She tried to clear the mess that I had created. As the longer the two weeping ladies continued, the more they aroused my guilt. I did not dare to utter a single word though I was grateful that Kate actually did that for me. However, I had to tell myself being grateful and to love are two different matters. I knew I loved Jane more than anything.

I had not see Jane nor Kate after that day. My parents were utterly disappointed. I was disappointed about myself too. I hid myself in my room everyday and could not stop cursing me. A few days later, I received her call. I was asked to meet at the beach we were at previously. When we were there, she looked at me. I thought this would be the best opportunity for me to apologise. I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed my head forward.

“I am sorry, Jane,” I apologised. “I promise there will never be such things again. Please forgive me.”

There was a silence for a while before she continued.

“I had already forgiven you,” she exclaimed. “I hate you for not calling me after that incident to ask me out! I have to call you out for I am a girl?”

I felt blessed when she said that. We hugged close to each other. I was elated that Jane was back to my side. I had learnt my lesson to never commit such a foolish mistake, which was like putting my head on the chopping block. However, I felt very bad for what I had caused Kate to be. I knew I owed Kate for what she did for me. She had quitted her job and I had never seen her in my life since then. Hers was a sad story caused by me but perhaps waiting for a good ending.
(862 words)
xEnOn,

You've used an odd topic for an essay. Or rather your content is odd. I won't go through your entire essay. My aim in helping people here is to show some macro or large errors, and then let member fix the essay. I am not interested in rewriting essays. So with your essay, I will look at the first paragraph or two, and then let you fix the rest.

For weeks, we had been together for everything-from home to work until work to home.[1] The intimacy between Kate and I had becOme immense for just 2 weeks.[2] I had almost forgotten about my lovely fiancée, Jane, who was still studying FOR her university degree in England. Perhaps, it was the absence of intimacy–Jane HAD BEEN in England for 2 years-–which had caused the relationship between Kate and me to sparkle. But neither Kate nor Jane knew ABOUT THE OTHER.[3]

During one of the dinnerS I had with Kate, Jane called my mobile and said she had JUST come back from England. She wanted me to fetch her [OR PICK HER UP] from the airport. The call was too abrupt and I DID not know what to do. If I were to leave Kate and go to the airport, she MIGHT request to go with me. However, if I were to ignore Jane and continue with Kate, I will disappoint Jane. I was in a dilemma [for a moment before I made my decision--NEEDLESS STUFF]. I decided to continue with Kate and asked my parents to fetch [OR PICK UP] Jane from the airport to prevent any suspicion [OR COMPLICATIONS].



Notes:

1) Weak opening. Also, note the punctuation.
2) Strange sentence. I don't know how intimacy becomes IMMENSE. This doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps you were intimate frequently? became-->become
3) The way your original sentence was seemed to indicate that there was a third girl.
Just another quick comment. Overall, your English is very good. Your essay only requires very minor adjustments. So you just need to pay more careful attention to the tenses. And occasionally, a few words need to be changed here and there. But overall, your English is good.
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
Thanks for your spending your time editing the first part of my story. I will try to improve on it by following your precious advice. Thanks.Emotion: smile