Topic: people often think about creating an ideal society but most of the times fall in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?
Along with the development of society are increasing pursuits of an utopia, which has never been reached by human beings. If possible, I personally desire to create a community where people leave their egoism behind with the use of education.
In a community underpinned by excessive self-interest, eliminating this hole is indeed of utter importance. To commence with, egoism is deemed as one of the major obstacles to the evolution of humanity. Instead of being conservative about their wrongdoings, if people would be willing to be corrected by others in any context, the whole society would be able to learn as well as teach one another and consequently advance to a higher level. Furthermore, the disappearance of self-centeredness could prevent tragic misunderstandings. It is true that a myriad of relationships come to an end thanks to the absence of real sacrifice when needed; however, this would not be the case in this desirable scenario.
Although achieving an utopia seems to be an insurmountable problem, it is still potential as long as humans make the most of education. Either at school or home, early sprouts should be well-informed of the repercussions of selfishness. This could be approached by creating an environment where children have to incur feedback and negative comments; as a result, they are unlikely to be overconfident about themselves. Parents are also a contributing factor in the construction of one’s ego. On the grounds that offspring mimic them naturally, it is advisable for the adults to act as a role model of modesty and empathy.
In conclusion, I ascertain that the ultimate stage of a society should be featured by the absence of egoism among human beings. Moreover, education of young generation would be imperative in the pursuit of this utopia.
Hurt backTopic: people often think about creating an ideal society but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?
I think it is "fail" and not "fall."
Along with the development of nations with different types of governments society are increasing pursuits of an a utopia, which has never been reached. by human beings. (delete.) If possible, I personally desire to create a community where people leave their egoism behind with the use of education. (You did not answer the question: What is your opinion of an ideal society?)
In a community underpinned by excessive self-interest, eliminating this hole (wrong word) is indeed of utter importance. To commence with, egoism is deemed as one of the major obstacles to building the ideal community. evolution of humanity. (Evolution is changes in biology, such as increasing brain size or resistance to viruses.) Instead of being conservative about their wrongdoings, (I do not know what this means. A conservative is someone who holds traditional values. ) if people would be willing to be corrected by others in any context, the whole society would be able to learn as well as teach one another and consequently advance to a higher level. (How do you measure "levels"?) Furthermore, the disappearance of self-centeredness could prevent tragic misunderstandings. (Can you give an example? I am completely lost.) It is true that a myriad (wrong usage.) of relationships come to an end (Is divorce common? Do people lose their friendships? ) thanks to the absence of real sacrifice when needed; however, this would not be the case in this desirable scenario. (I do not understand. When you say X is true, then how can it be not true? )
I think I get the gist of what you are trying to say, but the English is very obscure and many words are inappropriately used.
Perhaps you mean that until human nature changes, there will never be a utopian community. What is a utopian community in your opinion? Who sets the laws and punishes criminals?
An IELTS examiner would not take any time to try to figure out your intended meaning. If they cannot understand a paragraph, they just give it a very low band score and go on to the next person's essay.
Although achieving an utopia seems to be an insurmountable problem, it is still possible potential as long as people humans make the most of education. (What should the school curriculum be? ) Either at school or home, early sprouts (Are they growing plants from seeds?) should be well-informed of the repercussions of selfishness. (What are the repercussions of selfishness? ) This could be approached (wrong word) by creating an environment where children have to incur feedback and negative comments; (In my country, parents do punish their children if they do something bad. How is this different?) as a result, they are unlikely to be overconfident about themselves. Parents are also a contributing factor in the construction of one’s ego. On the grounds that offspring (wrong word) mimic them naturally, it is advisable for the adults to act as a role model of modesty and empathy.
In conclusion, I ascertain that the ultimate stage of a society should be featured by the absence of egoism among human beings. Moreover, education of young generation would be imperative in the pursuit of this utopia.
Thanks a lot for your correction. Can you explain for me about the wrong words I used (offspring, myriad), I cant find any specific usage of them
Offspring is used mainly for animals, or in a biological context. It is rarely used (sometimes jokingly) with people.
Myriad means so many that it is impossible to count them. It is used in imagery.
In the springtime, a myriad of bluebonnets cover the hills.