Hi, this is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. I would be grateful if I could get some feedback from teachers here. Please review suitable grammar sentences and vocabulary if somes are wrong.
Can it gain a 6.0 band in task 1 writing?
Thank you very much for reading my essay.
TOPIC:
The pie charts below show units of electricity production by fuel source in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
My essay:
The graphs illustrate fuel sources are used to produce electricity in units in two countries: Australia and France in 1980 and 20 years later, 2000.
Overall, there are five main fuel sources of electric production: coal, natural gas, oil, nuclear and hydro power. The total units of electricity in the two countries increased significantly between 1980 and 2000.
In Australia, coal is the main material of four sources that the units grow rapidly, rising about 2.5 times in 20 years. Hydro power rose slowly from 20 to 36 units in this period. However, oil and natural gas dropped remarkably from 20 and 10 respectively to 2 units in the time.
In France, there is one source more than in Australia which is nuclear power. In 1980, the units from fuel sources were equal with coal and natural gas had the highest units at 25 units and hydro is the least with 5 units. In 2000, nuclear power became the most used in production of electricity, more than about 8 times before. Natural gas units decreased considerably to 2 units the same units of hydro.
Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:
nl Please review suitable grammar sentences and vocabulary if somes are wrong.
"Some" is more that one by itself. We never make it plural.
"grammar sentences" does not make sense.
nlgraphs illustrate
Read my advice.
nlfuel sources are used
That is ungrammatical in your sentence.
nlelectricity in units
That is not good.
nlOverall, there are five main fuel sources of electricity production: coal, natural gas, oil, nuclear and hydro power.
Put that information in the first paragraph. The categories are inherent in the graphs. They are not classified as "information." The data is the number of units per source or total production values. Summarize the data in the "overall" paragraph
Here is an example of an opening paragraph that describes this infographic.
The four pie charts, two for France and two for Australia, give the units of electricity generated by each of five types of fuel (coal, oil, natural gas, hydro power, and nuclear power.) Data is given for two years, 1980 and 2000.
Study the figure for about five minutes and jot down the most important features and some comparisons. Use this information to write the two body paragraphs: overall and comparisons.
Here are some "main features"
- France used less electricity than Australia in 1980, but that situation reversed in 2000.
- Both countries required much more electricity in 2000 than they did in 1980, with France having the largest percentage increase.
- In 1980, both countries used a variety of sources, but in 2000, one fuel source was dominant, coal in Australia and nuclear power in France.
Here are some interesting comparisons.
- Coal: In 1980, coal was used to generate half of the electricity in Australia, 50 units, and France used half of that, 25 units. In 2000, coal had become the main fuel source in Australia, with 70% of the total, or 130 units. The usage in France had not changed.
- Nuclear power: France became heavily dependent on nuclear power, rising from 15 units (about 16%) in 1980 to 126 units in 2000 (70%).
- The other sources which were significant in 2000 were hydro power (36 units in Australia) and a combination of oil and coal (25 units each) in France. That is in contrast from 1980 where all five sources were used, natural gas making up 20-30% of the total. In 2000, minimal amounts (4 units) of natural gas and nuclear power were used in Australia. In France very small contributions (4 units) were from hydro power and natural gas.
You can make more comparisons if your subjects are the fuel sources rather than the two countries. If you write about the countries, you tend to just copy numbers from the pie charts.
Thank for your feedbacks but I want to ask you about the paragraphs. Initially, I have 4 paragraghs and the gragh 3 and 4 present the features in Australia and France respectively. If I want to make comparison , where should I put the sentences in the two paragraghs or do I have to make a new structure to put the comparison sentences example the paragragh 3 in 1980 and paragragh 4 in 2000?
If you have a better way of segmenting paragraghs, can you reccommend it for me?
nlThank for your feedbacks
Feedback is non-count. The plural is not used.
nl Initially, I have 4 paragraghs and the gragh 3 and 4 present the features in Australia and France respectively.
Read my advice for Task 1. The first section is all about paragraph organization. Click on this link:
IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice
Task 1 is a summary report. If you devote one paragraph to Australia and another to France, you are probably not summarizing and comparing, but writing about every detail separately.
My exception to the 3-paragraph essay is when you have to compare two maps of different time periods.
Paragraph 1: Describe the figure.
Paragraph 2: Summarize 2 or 3 main features.
Paragraph 3: Describe the main elements on the earlier map.
Paragraph 4: Describe the features on the second map that are different from the first map.
OK. I understand. Thank you very much.