Please Review My IELTS Task 2 Essay

nltoddlers

This is baby just starting to walk, a toddler.

A toddler. Is that what you mean?

nlIt is true that

Completely useless!

Compare these sentences:

John is a tall man.
It is cloudy today.
Dinner is ready.
Polly plays the piano.

WIth these sentences.

It is true that John is a tall man.
It is true that it is cloudy today.
It is true that dinner is ready.
It is true that Polly plays the piano.

The only difference is that the second set is longer, wordier and rather annoying.

Is there any meaning difference? No.

The examiner will only think that you are trying to beef up your word count. It does not make a favorable impression.

nlThere could be are many reasons why and solutions for this problem.

Here are some other Task 2 examples. You could write that sentence in an opening paragraph for any one of them.

1. In some parts of the world traditional festivals and celebrations have disappeared or are disappearing. What are the reasons for this? What measures could be taken to counter this situation?
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2. A rise in the standard of living in a country often only seems to benefit cities rather than rural areas. What are the reasons for this? How might these problems be reduced?
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3. Today, many people do not know their neighbors in large cities. What are the reasons for this? 
What can be done about this?
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4. Nowadays more and more older people who need employment have to compete with younger people for the same jobs. What are the reasons for this? What are the solutions?
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5. Many people try to balance work and other parts of their life. However, this is very difficult to do. What are the reasons for this? What is the best way to achieve a better balance?

The examiner will definitely believe that you are just writing a standard answer that you have memorized, with the errors included. That is not good for your band score.

Do not paraphrase the prompts.

In the opening paragraph, answer them briefly as an introduction to the substance of your essay. If you want a good band score, every opening must be specific to the task, not a memorized answer that fits almost any problem-solution essay that could be given.

It is true that (1) more and more toddlers (2) and young people over the world are taking (3) most of their time indoors. There could be many reasons why and solutions for this problem.

1. Delete. Useless.

2. Toddlers are very young children who are barely able to walk without falling down. Age range of 9 months to 2 years.

3. Not the right verb.

4. Answer the prompts. Do not paraphrase the prompts. "Could be" means that there might not be any reasons. But you are writing about reasons. It makes no sense. "why" is incorrect.

The first cause is that there are many electronic devices that meet the entertaining demands of children and teenagers. These two types of people usually need entertainment and electronic devices such as: phones, TVs,... have many applications: games, movies, social media,... that are suitable for them. Secondly, students have to study most of the time in school and do much homeworks at home. They have no time to do any sports or exercises because of studying; they always spend time indoors to learn therefore they ignore outdoor activities. Therefore, there are some main reasons for spending less time outdoors as adolescents.

Demands are not described as "entertaining". That is not a good reason. I see lots of people outdoors using their phones. Also traditional TVs do not have applications. You just sit in front, change channels and watch the program.

The ellipses or "..." is very very bad to use in essays. The problem is that when you write "..." te reader has to think of the words that should go there. It detracts the reader from your essay. The essay must be 100% your ideas, not the reader's ideas. You lose coherence and cohesion. Similar expressions, like "etc." and "and so on." should not be used for the same reason.

"homework" is non count. Do not use the plural form. "Much" is used in the negative. e.g. I don't have much homework tonight. I can watch my favorite program.

"to learn therefore" is two sentences mashed together. Ungrammatical.

Therefore," is not appropriate.

"as adolescents" is not good English.

To solve this problem, there are some measures that could be used. One solution is that for parents to limit the time of using electronic devices to and encourage their children to join some outdoor activities such as sports, yoga,... The second measure is that school together with parents to set a schedule to balance learning time and outdoor time. They could arrange harmoniously between classes and outdoor extracurricular activities that make students take time to play outdoors more. In short, these two measures can solve this issue.

Why is spending time indoors a problem? You never indicated what the problem is.
"Harmoniously" is wrong.

In conclusion, the two main causes that make children and teenagers indoors are electric equipment such as smartphones, televisions,... and too much time to focus on academic subjects. In addition, some measures to solve the problem could be restriction of using phone time and having a better balance time between outdoor and indoors.

You can make children happy, you can make children laugh, or make children afraid, but you cannot make children indoors. That does not make sense.

Equipment is not the right word. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equipment

A TV and a smartphone are not termed "equipment". Equipment is something used to get a job done.

Thanks for your feedbacks.

nl

Thanks for your feedbacks.

I hope you will use it to improve. Don't be discouraged; there is a lot to learn about this exam and how to ace it. Be persistent. Learn a little bit more each day. Read a lot of English texts by native speakers.