Hi

Please review my IELTS Task 1 writing

The bar charts below show the percentages of men and women in employment in three countries in 2005 and 2015.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The bar charts show the male-female employment rate in Canada, South Korea and Sweden in 2005 and 2015.

Barring Sweden, the male employment rates in the other two countries increased in 2015. However, the increase in Canada was substantial. While the percentage of females employed in South Korea and Sweden in 2015 in comparison to 2005 was not significantly higher, it was almost a twenty per cent increase in Canada.

While more men were employed in Sweden than in South Korea in 2005, in 2015, it was the other way round. Canada had the least difference in the male-female employment rates among the three countries. At around thirty-five per cent, it was the highest in South Korea where there was no substantial increase in employed men or women in 2015. In Sweden, where the difference was almost thirty-five per cent in 2005, it got reduced to twenty per cent in 2015.

The two bar charts show the male and female employment rates in Canada, South Korea and Sweden in 2005 and 2015.

Barring Sweden, The male employment rates in Canada and South Korea were higher the other two countries increased in 2015 compared to 2005.. (this is a much clearer way to give this information to the reader. Be careful of "increase in 2015" - That can mean that from January to December 2015, the increase occurred.) However, (However expresses a contrasting or opposite idea. It is not a correct transition here.) Moreover, the increase in Canada was substantial. The same pattern for females can be seen in Canada. While the employment rates percentage of females employed in South Korea and Sweden in 2015 in comparison to 2005 was not significantly higher, it was almost a twenty per cent increase in Canada.

While more men were employed in Sweden than in South Korea (That is misleading. You must use "rates" or "percentage", not absolute numbers. If you try to use synonyms in Task 1, you will almost always go wrong. ) in 2005, in 2015, it was the other way round. Canada had the least difference between the male and female male-female employment rates among the three countries. At around thirty-five per cent, it was the highest in South Korea where there was no substantial increase in the rates employed men or women in 2015. In Sweden, where the difference was almost thirty-five per cent in 2005, it got reduced to twenty per cent in 2015.


Example essay: (~185 words)

Paragraph 1: describe the graphic.

The two bar charts, one for 2005 and the other for 2010, compare the employment rates for men and women in three countries, Sweden, Canada and South Korea.

Paragraph 2: give two or three main points.

Overall, the employment rates for men were much higher than for women in all countries and both years. In 2005, the majority of women in any of the countries did not participate in the workforce. Male employment rates were higher in 2015 for two countries: Canada and South Korea whereas female employment rates increased in all three.

Paragraph 3: Give some comparisons and details.

In detail, the gap in the employment rates between males and female was much less in Canada. Also, Canada narrowed its gap in 2015. It was 24% in 2005 (60% versus 38%) and 15% (70% versus 55%) in 2015. South Korea had a substantial difference, with 75% and 30% for males and females in 2005, a difference of 45%. This did not change significantly in 2015, with 78% and 35% rates for males and females, respectively. Like Canada, Sweden also tightened the gap, from 33% in 2005 to 20% in 2015. In 2015, half the Swedish women were in the workforce and there was a clear majority in Canada.

Thank you very much, AlpheccaStars. Thank you for writing the essay for me. It is very helpful.

I have gone through the changes you have made. I understand the mistakes.

The change you have made in the introduction paragraph "The two bar charts..." against my version "The bar charts..." reminded me of your advice: Be precise in describing the given charts or figures.

AlpheccaStarsIf you try to use synonyms in Task 1, you will almost always go wrong. )

Got it.

AlpheccaStarsHowever expresses a contrasting or opposite idea. It is not a correct transition here.)

Okay.

AlpheccaStarsThe male employment rates in Canada and South Korea were higher the other two countries increased in 2015 compared to 2005.. (this is a much clearer way to give this information

I understand. Thank you.


I have a few questions:

1. Is the use of participate okay in the second paragraph?

2. "Male employment rates were higher in 2015 for two countries: Canada and South Korea whereas female employment rates increased in all three"

(Here, I am thinking of the continuation of the sentence after South Korea. Is it all right as it is? Here, isn't limited to the mention of just the two countries? The segment "whereas female....in all three" can it rephrased to be new sentence? Please forgive my ignorance in case all of these questions are not valid.)


Thank you once again for your help.

Suresh

Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.
vsuresh1. Is the use of participate okay in the second paragraph?

What sentence do you propose?

vsureshThe segment "whereas female....in all three" can it rephrased to be new sentence?

Yes. However, examiners are looking for the deft use of compound, complex and compound-complex sentences. It you write two sentences, you may end up with two simple sentences instead of one complex sentence. That is less favorable for your score.

Thank you for your comments, AlpheccaStars.

AlpheccaStarsWhat sentence do you propose?

As for this one, I remembered your telling me "participate" would be apt in the context of an event. That is why I wanted to know your thoughts on it.

I did not think of an alternative, but, however, seeing your reply, I thought of it.

How does this sound?

"...the majority of women in any of the countries were not in the workforce"

vsureshAs for this one, I remembered your telling me "participate" would be apt in the context of an event.

"Workforce" is not an event.

The best way to learn how a word is used, and in what contexts, is to search for it in fraze.it.

If you look for "participate", it gives over 24,000 sentences.

https://fraze.it/n_search.jsp?q=participate&l=0

If you are interested in the word's usage, frequency, comparison with synonyms, and change over a long time period, use Google NGRAM viewer.

For example, partake is a synonym. NGRAM viewer shows exactly what I expected, in that partake is old-fashioned. Participate surpassed it more than 100 years ago.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=participate%2Cpartake&year_start=1800&year_end=2019&corpus=29&smoothing=3



Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.

Okay. I will remember this.

Thank you, AlpheccaStars.

Suresh