Please Review My IELTS Writing Task 1

Please attach an image of what you are writing about. We cannot help you if we can't see the figure.

I think another student used this practice essay. If I can find it, I will use that image. But only this one time...
---------------------

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays:

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Here is the other student's work:

https://www.englishforums.com/English/IeltsWritingtask1Cam10Test1/bpbmkk/post.htm

The (How many?) pie charts illustrate (Poor word choice. There are many more natural choices. Read my advice.) the purposes of energy usage and the greenhouse gas emitted from an Australian house. (That is incorrect reporting. The scientists did not go to one house and do these measurements. The description is not good. It says nothing about how many slices are in each chart or what they are. That is essential for coherence and cohesion. Read my advice on how to write the first paragraph.)

Overall, it is apparent that (Wasted filler words. Do not use "dummy-it" clauses, They have no information about the data.) the proportion of energy consumption for heating far outweighs that for other purposes. Besides, water heating releases more greenhouse gas emissions than any others.

Looking closely at the purpose of power consumption in families in Australia, (Wasted words. This is completely unnecessary. It also contradicts the information you wrote in the first paragraph. Very bad news for your score.) they Australian families spend (Wrong word. We spend money. We spend time. Not energy.) the most energy on heating, at 42% of the total. This is over twenty times, ten times, and six times as much as the amount of energy for cooling (2%), lighting (4%), and refrigeration (7%) respectively. The second and the third positions belong to water heating and other appliances, which contribute 30% and 15% to the total power usage respectively.

Turning to the second pie chart, (wasted words) water heating takes a major responsibility for the total of greenhouse gases. (Only people can take responsibilities. Do not use human action words for concepts, data, or inanimate objects. That is not scientific reporting.) The second-largest amount of emissions results from other appliances, at 28%. Heating contributes just 15% to the total, and this percentage is nearly the same as that for refrigeration. The remaining 11 percent stems from cooling (3%) and lighting (8%).

You did not combine the information from both charts in your reporting. Each pie chart and each category was considered separately. That will limit your score. You will not reach the higher band scores unless you combine categories and have a better comparison of the data. The instructions are NOT "write about every detail." They are "report main features" and "make comparisons where relevant." Every Task 1 has the same instructions.

This must be your first practice essay for Task 1. Task 1 is very challenging. Writing good Task 1 essays in the limited time allowed requires a tremendous amount of practice.

Example essay:

The two pie charts compare the energy consumption and greenhouse gas emissions of six different types of appliances in a typical Australian household. These types are heating, water heating, cooling, lighting, refrigeration and “other appliances”.

Overall, two types, heating and water heating, consume nearly three-quarters of the total energy, and they also account for half of the total emissions. Cooling uses the smallest amount of energy, and also is in last place in terms of emissions.

Even though it represents the largest use of energy, heating is the most environmentally-friendly type of appliance. Its greenhouse gas emissions are 15% of the total whereas it consumes 42% of the energy. The worst are refrigeration and lighting. Their measures are 14% and 8% respectively for emissions compared to 7% and 4% for energy usage. The group "other appliances" is only marginally better, with 15% of the energy usage and 28% of the emissions. Water heating, which is second after heating in usage at 30%, is somewhat environmentally-friendly, with 32% of the emissions.

If you want to get to the highest scoring band for this task, you can compute and use the measures of ratios. to quantify "eco-friendliness". Most students do not know how ratios are used, and it will impress the examiner if you show that you know how to apply it. The "best" appliances for the environment are those that have lowest emissions per unit of power used, right? And the "worst" ones are those that have the highest. The relative measure is the ratio.

Hi

Thank you so much for your guidance. I'll try my best to get knowledge from your advice and tips for Task 1.