Hello, here is my latest essay for IELSTS writing task 2. Please help me review it, thank you so much.
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Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

TASK

Entertainment in this day and age can not only be enjoyed live on the spot but also through the screen. While many people are pleasant to watch concerts, sporting events at home, I completely side with the opinion of watching live performances for unique experiences it brings about.

On the one hand, the main obstacle which prevents people from attending live performances would be the high costs they have to spend, whereas broadcasted shows cost almost nothing but a TV set. To begin with, entrance tickets to live events can be expensive, and sometimes, sold out in a short time. Take Coachella, a popular music festival, as an example; in 2020, the most affordable ticket costed no less than $500, and the tickets of all tiers had been sold in about one hour. Moreover, if the event is not held at the place where people are living, they have to spend more money including travelling and accommodation fee. In other words, watching shows at home helps viewers save money and also time for travelling.

However, I would argue that it is worth attending at least a live performance in our lives. First of all, there are more activities to do at outdoor events rather than just watching and listening. Owing to the lively music and atmosphere, audiences can truly immerse in the songs, dances, cheers, applause. They can also interact with people on stage or even have the chance to perform along the singers, dancers. Furthermore, going to live events is beneficial for our social life. People who attend the same shows would have similar interest and hobbies, that means they can freely talk about the show itself or why they get into this interest, and also enjoy the performances together. For example, in football matches, the supporters of a club often chant their club’s traditional song collectively, and cheer whenever a goal is scored. In this way, live performances can help enhance mutual understanding and create many memorable experiences.

In conclusion, while being audiences at home may be comfortable and economical, it can not compare with live performances in terms of unique experiences that only people who attend can understand.

Entertainment in this day and age can not only be enjoyed live on the spot but also through a computer or TV the screen. While many people are pleasant (Wrong word. "People are pleasant" means they are nice and kind.) to watch concerts, sporting events at home, I completely side with the opinion of watching live performances for the unique experiences it brings (You need a plural pronoun for a plural antecedent) they bring about.


Your next paragraph is completely off-topic.

You wrote "I completely side with going to these performances in person". This is your thesis statement. It is your position, your opinion.

Now you need TWO arguments to support your position, one in each body paragraph. The next paragraph does not support your opinion. It contradicts your opinion. You have "shot yourself in the foot" as the saying goes. This is NOT an advantages/ disadvantages essay. Do not write an advantages/disadvantages essay when the essay type is an opinion essay. This paragraph does not count.

On the one hand, the main obstacle which prevents people from attending live performances would be the high costs they have to spend, whereas broadcasted shows cost almost nothing but a TV set. To begin with, entrance tickets to live events can be expensive, and sometimes, sold out in a short time. Take Coachella, a popular music festival, as an example; in 2020, the most affordable ticket costed no less than $500, and the tickets of all tiers had been sold in about one hour. Moreover, if the event is not held at the place where people are living, they have to spend more money including travelling and accommodation fee. In other words, watching shows at home helps viewers save money and also time for travelling.



However, I would argue that (You already wrote your thesis statement. Do not write opinions in the body paragraphs. The body paragraphs are for arguments to justify your opinion. ) it is worth attending at least a live performance in our lives. First of all, there are more activities to do at outdoor events rather than just watching and listening. Owing to the lively music and atmosphere, audiences can truly immerse themselves in the songs, dances, cheers, applause. (Ungrammatical series. Missing conjunction) They can also interact with people on stage or even have the chance to perform along with the singers, dancers. (Ungrammatical series. Missing conjunction) Furthermore, going to live events is beneficial for our social life. People who attend the same shows would have similar interest (wrong form) and hobbies, that means they can freely talk about the show itself or why they decided to buy tickets, get into this interest, and also enjoy the performances together. For example, in football matches, the supporters of a club often chant their club’s traditional song collectively, and cheer whenever a goal is scored. In this way, live performances can help enhance develop mutual understanding and create many memorable experiences.

In conclusion, while being audiences at home may be comfortable and economical, it can not compare with live performances in terms of unique experiences that only people who attend can understand.

You wrote over 360 words. The minimum is 250.

You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write around 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.

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Thank you so much for your advice. I have rewritten my essay according to it, can you review it again?

TASK

Entertainment in this day and age can not only be enjoyed live on the spot but also through computer or TV screen. While many people are pleased to watch concerts, sporting events at home, I completely side with the opinion of watching live performances for the unique experiences they bring about.

First of all, there are more activities at outdoor events rather than just watching and listening. At live events, audiences may be able to meet the celebrities who they have only seen through screen, and even interact with them. Take attending football matches as an example. Spectators can watch their favorite players on the pitch, and when the match is over, people would ask those players for autographs, or taking photographs with them. Moreover, the atmosphere in the auditorium evokes excitement and amusement that attendees would not experience if watching at home. At live events, audiences can sing, dance along the performances, and show their appreciation to the performers with applauses. In other words, when attending outdoor concerts, people can truly immerse themselves in the performances owing to the lively music and atmosphere.

Furthermore, going to live events is beneficial for our social life. People who attend the same shows would have similar interests and hobbies, that means they can talk comfortably about the show itself, why they decided to buy ticket, or simply enjoy the show together. For instance, in football matches, the supporters of a club often chant their club’s traditional song collectively, and cheer whenever their team score a goal. In this way, live performances can help develop mutual understanding and create many memorable memories.

In conclusion, while being audiences at home may be comfortable and economical, it can not compare with live performances in terms of unique experiences that only people who attend can understand.

Entertainment in this day and age can not only be enjoyed live on the spot but also through a computer or TV screen. While many people are pleased to watch concerts, sporting events (Ungrammatical series. Missing conjunction) at home, I completely side with the opinion of watching live performances for the unique experiences they bring about.

First of all, there are more activities at outdoor events rather than just watching and listening. At live events, audiences may be able to meet the celebrities who they have only seen on TV or the internet, through screen, and even interact with them. Take attending football matches as an example. Spectators can watch their favorite players on the pitch, and when the match is over, people would ask those players for autographs, or taking have their photographs taken with them. Moreover, the atmosphere in the auditorium evokes excitement and amusement that attendees would not experience if watching at home. At live events, audiences can sing, dance (Ungrammatical series. Missing conjunction) along the performances, and show their appreciation to the performers with applause. In other words, when attending outdoor concerts, people can truly immerse themselves in the performances owing to the lively music and atmosphere.

Furthermore, going to live events is beneficial for our social life. People who attend the same shows would have similar interests and hobbies. That means they can talk comfortably about the show itself, why they decided to buy ticket, or simply enjoy the show together. For instance, in football matches, the supporters of a club often chant their club’s traditional song collectively, and cheer whenever their team scores a goal. In this way, live performances can help develop mutual understanding and create many memorable fond memories.

In conclusion, while being audiences at home may be comfortable and economical, it can not compare with live performances in terms of unique experiences that only people who attend can understand.


In English, if there is a series of grammatical elements, they must be joined with a conjunction.

You omit the conjunction, and that is a mistake.

singing, laughing and dancing
milk, eggs, rice and butter
hits and misses
boys, girls, men and women
listen, watch, observe and understand

The exception is adjectives modifying a noun, if they are in different categories.

A red, white and blue flag. (same category. Use commas and a conjunction)
An old large dirty white French poodle (different categories)

Thank you so much for your advice! Can you help me review this essay, thank you! Hope you have a nice day today.

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Quốc Nguyễn Tấn Anh Can you help me review this essay, thank you!

Your request is not possible. Compare these two groups of three sentences each.

1) Please help me to carry my bags ( You carry the bags, but I assist you. )
2) Please carry my bags. (I carry the bags for you. )
3) Please help me by carrying my bags. (If I carry your bags, it will be good for you.)

1) Please help me to review   my essay. (You review your essay, but I assist. The web site does not allow this.)
2) Please review my essay. ( I review your essay and give you feedback. )
3) Please help me by reviewing my essay. (I review your essay and give you feedback. That will help you.)

You are so nice to point out my error in such a detailed way. Thank you so much.