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Dear all,
I'm writing a Motivation Letter for a Master degree and I would really like you to help me, I know this forum is very useful, even with not English native speakers.
Thank you in advance,

Dear Sir or Madam:
I appreciate this opportunity to provide further background information in support of my application for entrance to the Master of Eng. In Automation & IT at the Cologne University of Applied Science for the 2011 winter term.

My name is Lina Marcela Tabares Herrera, and I am living in Colombia at the time. My graduation date in Electronic and Telecommunications Engineering from the Autonoma de Occidente University (Universidad Autonoma de Occidente - Cali, Colombia) is planned for May 7 of 2011. My college studies had duration of 5 years where I learned the fundamentals basis in design, programming, instrumentation, economics, management, control, automation, and finally telecommunications, which were the emphasis of my training.

Although my graduation is still a period ahead, I finished all my subjects last year in the first semester of 2010, with a GPA of 4.2 out of 5 (being 5 the highest grade), my grades allowed me to obtain university scholarships (3 semesters). I also was an active student during my period in college, being a board member of the student committee, president of the student body of my program, which I helped to found, and which helped me being involved in many events and organization. This kind of behavior on my part was not only in the college period, but also in my high school years, earning several honor mentions, and being chosen as the best in my class in my senior year.

My college thesis project "MONITORING SYSTEM FOR MOTOR VEHICLE FOR THE ACS GROUP COMPANY" was an internship in the ACS Group Company. The software developed was to provide a service through which could be obtain information about vehicles in a database. I developed the monitoring software, which involved both, desktop and a web application. The Desktop application was use to communicate a PC, with a GSM modem trough RS-232 serial interface. The web application was developed to obtain data anywhere (through internet), from the vehicles. The communication was: Vehicles-Modem GSM-PC, in both ways, and for that it was used SMS messaging. The web application development included, JSP, struts, hibernate, and MySQL, to obtain system based on the MVC model.

Since I finished my college, I've been working in a family business called BASEP LTDA. dedicated to offer maintenance service in electronic devices and also solutions in automation systems. Working during this last year has been a very important experience for me, because I have learned what it means to be in a workplace, meet with a work schedule, work under pressure, put into practice the theoretical concepts learned throughout my career, put into practice teamwork, and collaborate with others to integrate ideas and develop successful projects.
Another matter I think is important is the use of languages, and every since I was a little girl I liked English, and years later I realized it was a global language, and more than a hobby, it is a necessity today. That's why every day I practiced it, and I can say it's a language I learned on my own, having never attended to a institute of language to learn it. With the above, and the support of my family, now I have the opportunity to study abroad, and Germany seems to me the ideal place, a country with extensive experience in engineering, where in addition to learning about technical knowledge, I can have the opportunity to experience another culture and another language (The German), besides English, and Spanish (my native language).

My main motivation in choosing this Masters program is that combines two major industrial areas, so it suits the current technological changes and therefore is very innovative and interdisciplinary course. With my previous knowledge and experience, I am confident to have the necessary requirements to enter this program.

My goal in obtaining a Masters Degree is to help my family company to go on international levels, and be world leader in its area. This Degree will be very helpful, not only for being a Master Degree, but for being an international recognized program.
I hope this application will receive your favorable consideration and I will be happy to meet you at your convenience and provide additional information you may need. You can reach me by phone on [---------], cell phone (---------) or by e-mail on [-----------].
Expecting a positive response from you, and therefore to have the great opportunity to make my Master's degree in a prestigious university, such as Cologne University of Applied Science.
Thank you for your time and consideration,

Lina Marcela Tabares
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Comments  (Page 2) 
Ok, one more time, I think this is better

Admissions Office

Cologne University of Applied Sciences

Germany

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to apply to your program in Master of Engineering in Automation & IT for the 2011 winter term.

My main interest in choosing this master program because it is focused on professionally oriented study, and is a cutting-edge program, very different from all the others I have seen. Obtaining this master degree, would allow me to strengthen my professional skills, by letting me know and experience with more advanced technologies, different ways of analysis dissimilar than the ones in my country. I would undertake these things to improve the activities of the company where I work. In addition, along with cultural knowledge that leads study abroad, I would know how international businesses are handled, and this is advantage over other students with no international experience.

I am an undergraduate student living in Colombia. The graduation date in Electronic and Telecommunications Engineering from the Autonoma de Occidente University (---) is planned for May 7 of 2011. My college studies had duration of five years, where I learned the fundamentals basis in electronics, with emphasis on telecommunications and automation.

My college thesis project “monitoring system for motor vehicle for the ACS group company” was an internship. I developed a software to provide a service, where information about vehicles stored in a database could be obtained through SMS messaging. This internship allowed me to develop a more ambitious project than I did during my career, because it required more attention, development time and advanced knowledge that I had to learn through research.

Although my graduation is, still a period ahead, I finished all my subjects last year in the first semester of 2010, with a GPA of 4.2 out of 5, my grades allowed me to obtain university scholarships (three semesters). My good academic performance is because I love the career I studied, and especially enjoyed subjects where design was more important than practical knowledge, such as design of automation systems using microcontrollers, or software design in programming.

I have always enjoyed being involved in leadership roles. In high school, I got several honor mentions, and I was the best in my class in senior year. In university, I was a board member of the student committee and president of the student body of my program, which I helped found. Through these experiences, I learned to manage my time effectively and improved my leadership and decision making skills.

Since I finished my college, I have been working in a family business called ABCD LTDA. dedicated to offer maintenance service in electronic devices and solutions in automation systems. Working during this last year has been a very important experience for me; on several occasions my immediate boss has left me in charge of the company, where I had to make decisions, delegate tasks and meet various needs that the company has at the same time. For example, decide which way we proceed to perform a particular maintenance for a major client, while managing the receipt of imported merchandise. In these cases, I had to decide which the most urgent task is and make quick decisions.

I think the use of languages is important, and every since I was a little girl I liked English, and that is why every day I practiced it, I can also say it is a language I learned on my own, having never attended to a institute of language to learn it.

With the above, and the support of my family, now I have the opportunity to study abroad, and Germany seems to me the ideal place, a country with extensive experience in engineering, where in addition to learning about technical knowledge, I can have the opportunity to experience another culture and another language, besides English and Spanish.

In conclusion, studying in Cologne University of Applied Sciences will be an excellent platform for my future career, and I will do my best to exceed your expectations, and add diversity to the program.

Please feel free to contact me regarding any questions or concerns you might have. Thank you for reviewing my application, and I look forward to your acceptance,
My main interest in choosing this master program because it is focused on professionally oriented study, and is a cutting-edge program, very different from all the others I have seen. Obtaining this master degree, would allow me to strengthen my professional skills, by letting me know and experience with more advanced technologies, different ways of analysis dissimilar than the ones in my country. I would undertake these things to improve the activities of the company where I work. In addition, along with cultural knowledge that leads study abroad, I would know how international businesses are handled, and this is advantage over other students with no international experience.

Forget your letter for a moment. Tell me, using very simple words, what you hope to accomplish by getting your degree. Feel free to use bullet points.

Your paragraph above has a bunch of mumbo jumbo. "Professionally oriented study" and "cutting-edge program" mean nothing. They are just empty buzz words.

Here's information from a recent Wall Street Journal article: Students Struggle for Words: Business Schools Put More Emphasis on Writing Amid Employer Complaints

If you unable to view the article, please Google "Business Schools Put More Emphasis on Writing Amid Employer Complaints" (without quotes) and then find a wsj link on Google. It should be on the first search page. When you enter WSJ from Google, you can usually bypass the subscription wall.
Former Securities and Exchange Commission chairman Arthur Levitt, long an advocate of "plain English" in business and government, says business writing is usually incomprehensible to readers. "It lacks color and nuance, and it's not terribly interesting to read," he says.

M.B.A. students often have to unlearn bad behavior, such as using complicated words over simple ones, says Carter Daniel, business communication programs director at Rutgers Business School. Students might use the word "edifice" instead of "building," for example.
Again, please, tell me in simple, everyday words what you hope to accomplish with your degree. What exactly are you missing that your new degree solves?
Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
ok, so here goes mi goals
  • I want to have practical experience in a professional area, and universities of applied sciences(like this) allows me to it.
  • I want to know new technologies that are not in my country.

  • I want to know a different professional environment abroad.
  • I like the idea of combining two essential things such as automation and IT.
  • I want to apply the knowledge acquired abroad, in my family business to improve maintenance service, and import technological elements that are in Germany (or overseas) if necessary.
  • I want to Learn to manage international business.
  • Practical experience is what you obtain after you graduate.
  • New technologies? Which ones?
Just thinking out loud, how about something like this...

My career objective to become x (something related to your family business), working for my family's business in Colombia. In order to reach my objective, I want/need to acquire the advanced knowledge to combine automation and information technology. Moreover, to grow and expand our business beyond our borders, I want to become comfortable in a global setting. As Germany is the strongest country in Europe with a proud history of engineering achievement, I want to study in Germany where I can meet my academic and cultural objectives.

Something like that. No buzz words. Plain spoken. Honest. Straightforward.

Now, I want you to improve upon that paragraph and make it your own. Feel free to start from scratch with your own words. Or you can modify mine.

Do the same for the rest of your letter. Then, let's look at your revisions.
awesome! you put the exact words, I just made a changes, take a look.

Admissions Office

Cologne University of Applied Sciences

Germany

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to apply to the program Master of Engineering in Automation & IT for the 2011 winter term.

My career objective is to become the head of technical department, working for my family's business in Colombia. In order to reach my objective, I want to acquire the advanced knowledge to combine automation and information technology. Moreover, to grow and expand our business beyond our borders, therefore I want to become comfortable in a global setting. As Germany is the strongest country in Europe with a proud history of engineering achievement, I want to study there where I can meet my academic and cultural objectives.

I am an undergraduate student living in Colombia. The graduation date in Electronic and Telecommunications Engineering from the Autonoma de Occidente University (---) is planned for May 7 of 2011. My college studies had duration of five years, where I learned the fundamentals basis in electronics, with emphasis on telecommunications and automation.

My college thesis project “monitoring system for motor vehicle for the ACS group company” was an internship. I developed a software to provide a service, where information about vehicles stored in a database could be obtained through SMS messaging. This internship allowed me to develop a more ambitious project than I did during my career, because it required more attention, development time and advanced knowledge that I had to learn through research.

Although my graduation is, still a period ahead, I finished all my subjects last year in the first semester of 2010, with a GPA of 4.2 out of 5, my grades allowed me to obtain university scholarships (three semesters). My good academic performance is because I love the career I studied, and especially enjoyed subjects where design was more important than practical knowledge, such as design of automation systems using microcontrollers, or software design in programming.

I have always enjoyed being involved in leadership roles. In high school, I got several honor mentions, and I was the best in my class in senior year. In university, I was a board member of the student committee and president of the student body of my program, which I helped found. Through these experiences, I learned to manage my time effectively and improved my leadership and decision making skills.

Since I finished my college, I have been working in a family business called ABCD LTDA. dedicated to offer maintenance service in electronic devices and solutions in automation systems. Working during this last year has been a very important experience for me; on several occasions my immediate boss has left me in charge of the company, where I had to make decisions, delegate tasks and meet various needs that the company has at the same time. For example, decide which way we proceed to perform a particular maintenance for a major client, while managing the receipt of imported merchandise. In these cases, I had to decide which the most urgent task was and make quick decisions.

I think the use of languages is important, and every since I was a little girl I liked English, and that is why every day I practiced it, I can say it is a language I learned on my own, having never attended to a institute of language to be taught it. By Studying in Germany in addition to learning about technical knowledge, I can have the opportunity to experience another culture and another language, besides English and Spanish.

In conclusion, studying this Master Degree in Cologne University of Applied Sciences will be an excellent platform for my future career, and I will do my best to exceed your expectations, and add diversity to the program.

Please feel free to contact me regarding any questions or concerns you might have. Thank you for reviewing my application, and I look forward to your acceptance,
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.
So here is the final letter, Thanks to MountainHiker in helping me in the making of it.



Juanita Doe
Address:(-----------)

Tel: (-----------)

Cell phone: (-----------)

Email: (-----------)

April 12, 2011

Admissions Office

Cologne University of Applied Sciences

Germany

Dear Sir or Madam:

I would like to apply to your program Master of Engineering in Automation & IT for the 2011 winter term.

My career objective is to become the head of technical department at family's business, ABCD Ltda, a company dedicated to providing maintenance service for electrical devices and solutions in automation systems in Colombia. In order to reach my objective, I want to acquire advanced knowledge to combine information technology and automation. Moreover, to grow and expand our business beyond our borders, I want to become comfortable in global settings. Because Germany is the strongest country in Europe with a proud history of engineering achievement, I want to study at Cologne University where I can meet my academic and cultural goals.

I am a Colombian undergraduate student at Electronic Engineering from the Autonoma de Occidente University. During my studies, I achieved a GPA of 4.2 out of a possible 5.0. As a result of my grades, I earned university scholarships for three semesters. Because I am passionate about automation systems and software design, I enjoy learning and applying my knowledge. After five challenging and enjoyable years, I look forward to graduating on May 6.

My college thesis project and internship was “Monitoring System for Motor Vehicles for the ACS Group of Companies”. I developed a software service to provide a SMS messaging service to indicate where the vehicle was located. This internship allowed me to develop a more ambitious and complex project than many of those that my classmates created. For example, our program did not teach complex web development, so I had to learn and apply the required technologies.

I have always enjoyed being involved in leadership roles. In high school, I received several honorable mentions for being one of the top students, and I was the best in my class in senior year. In university, I was a board member of the student committee and president of the student body of my program, which I helped found. Through these experiences, I learned to manage my time effectively and improved my leadership and decision making skills.

Since I have finished my university studies in June of 2010, I have been working at my family’s business. Oftentimes I have been required to assume a leadership role where I was demanded make quick decisions to solve immediate problems. For example, I had to choose the correct solution to address a maintenance concern for a major client while simultaneously managing the receipt of imported merchandise.

As evidence of my dedication for gaining experience in a global setting, I learned English on my own by practicing every day. I did not receive any formal education. By studying in Germany, I will learn and appreciate another important language and culture.

Through my achievements, I have demonstrated a consistent high academic accomplishment and passion for technology. Furthermore, I have demonstrated leadership, initiative, and desire to learn about business and technology in a global setting. If accepted, I will add diversity to your program, and I will do my best to exceed your expectations. I am confident that I will meet my career and personal goals while studying at Cologne University of Applied Sciences.

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me. Thank you for reviewing my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.

Yours truly,

Juanita Doe

Well guys...

I have recieved my admission letter to a Master of Engineering and Automation in the FH Köln... I want to thank MountainHiker one more time for helping me with my motivation letter...

That's it for now Emotion: wink
C o n g r a t u l a t i o n s !!!

Thank you for letting us know of your success!
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Ok guys

I want to tell you that I have received my admission letter into the Master of Egineering in Automation and IT in the FH Köln.... thanks one more time to MountainHiker for helping me in my motivation letter.

That's it for now

Emotion: wink
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