This is my IELTS Writing Task 2 essay. Please feel free to give your helpful advices and feedbacks. And I would be really grateful if you can give a mark to my essay. Thank you very much!
Topic: We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
My essay:
In modern days, our vast world has been facing with many issues and conflicts. Therefore, some people believe that citizens of each nation only have to concentrate on their own home country’s business. While this view is right to a great extent, I believe that what is happening to the globe should also be everyone’s concern.
To begin with, it is reasonable that people should care about the place where they live. Each of us is always surrounded by communities and environments that can directly and drastically affect our life, levels of happiness and living conditions, that’s why sense of community and neighbourliness is crucial for everyone. For example, the health of the economy may affect the job pay packet as well as working conditions and a respectable neighbourhood can make a great difference to one’s quality of life. Only when a person’s country and society situation stable and developed enough can they lead a comfortable life. Obviously, we should give priority to domestic affairs since they may have great impact on our lives.
However, I also believe that global problems should not be ignored. Due to the modernisation and the globalisation movement, parts of our world are becoming more and more dependent on each other on various aspects. If one country goes under serious or unfortunate circumstances, other parts of the planet will be likely to suffer as well. For instance, an economic recession of one influential nation like the United States of America could lead to a widespread collapse around the world. Thus, we should take into account what is occurring in the globe and assist when necessary. Helping other countries in tough times is also considered an act of humanity and have a important role in fostering the solidarity among members of the global village.
In conclusion, it is true that everyone should concern about their communities and hometowns, but we should not turn a blind eye to everything else taking place beyond the borders
First, your essay is too long, 325 words.
The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.
First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.
Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.
Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.
Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.
Fifth, pity the examiners who have to read all the IELTS essays individually. There are hundreds of them. If they read your long essay when they are tired at the end of the day, they will score extra hard and not be very generous when scoring.
Sixth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.
Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/
panda car 132Please feel free to give your helpful advices and feedbacks
Advice and feedback are both non-count. Do not use the plural form.
In modern days, (not a good collocation) our vast world has been facing with (wrong usage) many issues and conflicts. Therefore, some people believe that citizens of each nation only (wrong placement) have to concentrate only on their own home country’s problems. business. (wrong word) While this view is right to a great extent, I believe that what is happening to the globe should also be everyone’s concern.
You did not answer the essay prompt clearly. The examiner is looking for an answer to this question: To what extent do you agree or disagree? (with the statement).
For example:
I completely disagree.
I agree with certain reservations.
I wholeheartedly agree.
It is good to know a good handful of adverbs of extent because this is a very common prompt in IELTS Task 2 essays.
Complete agreement / disagreement:
------------
completely
fully
totally
wholeheartedly
unreservedly
with no reservations
without reservation
unequivocally
unquestionably
with no hesitation
unconditionally
Partial agreement / disagreement:
----------------
somewhat
partially
partly
to some extent / to a limited extent / to a point
with (some / certain / a few) reservations
conditionally
It is far easier to write an essay when you do not sit on the fence and take both sides. Pick with "fully agree" or "totally disagree" and then give two reasons for your opinion in the two body paragraphs.
Make sure you read the task instructions and understand what is being asked.
To begin with, it is reasonable that (Avoid these "dummy-it" clauses. They are not very elegant, and do not carry much weight.) people should care about the place where they live. Each of us is always surrounded by communities and environments that can directly and drastically affect our life, levels of happiness and living conditions, (wrong comma usage; comma splice error) that’s (Do not use contractions in formal writing.) why a sense of community and neighbourliness is crucial for everyone. For example, the health of the economy may affect our jobs the job pay packet (wrong usage) as well as working conditions and a respectable neighbourhood can make a great difference to in one’s quality of life. Only when a person’s country and society situation stable (wrong usage) and developed enough can they lead a comfortable life. Obviously, we should give priority to domestic affairs since they may have great impact on our lives. (You are writing off-topic. The task is about giving aid and support to people in trouble, for example, the poor and homeless. You did not mention one instance of this.)
Your essay is has turned into a different type of essay. It is a "discuss both views" essay. Be sure to write the correct essay type, which you can immediately discern from the prompt. See the image below.
However, I also believe that global problems should not be ignored. Due to the modernisation and the globalisation movement, (wrong usage) parts of our world are becoming more and more dependent on each other on various aspects. (This is off-topic. It is not about the economy. It is not about globalization. You have to focus on the task.) If one country goes under serious or unfortunate circumstances, other parts of the planet will be likely to suffer as well. For instance, an economic recession of one influential nation like the United States of America could lead to a widespread collapse around the world. Thus, we should take into account what is occurring in the globe and assist when necessary. Helping other countries in tough times is also considered an act of humanity and have a important role in fostering the solidarity among members of the global village.
In conclusion, it is true that everyone should concern (wrong usage) about their communities and hometowns, but we should not turn a blind eye to everything else taking place beyond (wrong usage) our the borders.
Thank you very much