Why do you want to study at ABCUniversity? Why should ABCUniversity admit you?

I have always dreamt of becoming a doctor when I grow up-someone who can alleviate the pain and suffering of others and I believe that ABCuniversity will equip me with the education I need to fulfill my dream. Vinuniversity's curriculums are designed by Ivy League university, which will enhance my knowledge in Health Sciences and develop my teamwork skills. Additionally, becoming Vinuniversity student gives me the chance to practice with cutting edge technology that improves my practical skills better than the traditional way. As a ABCuniversity wannabe, I'm convinced that I can contribute to the university in many ways. First, by using my communication skills, I believe that I can connect people at the uni together and hopefully, I can set up a small group to practice our speaking skills at the university. Moreover, my wish to become a doctor has driven me to read lots of scientific research about ailments and symptoms of some diseases, therefore, I'm convinced I will thrive in the university's curriculums.

Were you told to write just one paragraph? If not, I would suggest two, ie one for each question.

Your part that starts with As a ABCuniversity wannabe starts to say why the university should admit you but then it goes back into why you want to study there (I'm convinced I will thrive).


Clive

I have fixed my paragraph, can you review it, please. Thank you so much ( and yes, they require me to write only 150 words )

I have always dreamt of becoming a doctor when I grow up-someone who can alleviate the pain and suffering of others. Therefore, I believe that Vinuniversity will equip me with the education I need to fulfill my dream. Vinuniversity's curriculums are designed by Ivy League university, which will enhance my knowledge in Health Sciences and develop my teamwork skills. Additionally, becoming Vinuniversity student gives me the chance to practice with cutting edge technology that improves my practical skills better than the traditional way. As a Vinuniversity wannabe, I'm convinced that I can contribute to the university in many ways. First, by using my communication skills, I believe that I can connect people at the uni together and hopefully, I can set up a small group to practice our speaking skills at the university. Moreover, my wish to become a doctor has driven me to read some scientific research about several ailments, therefore, I'm convinced that I can share some of my collective knowledge with other students.

Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?

I have fixed my paragraph, can you review it, please. Thank you so much ( and yes, they require me to write only 150 words )

I have always dreamt of becoming a doctor when I grow up-someone who can alleviate the pain and suffering of others. Therefore, I believe that Vinuniversity will equip me with the education I need to fulfill my dream. Vinuniversity's curriculum is designed by Ivy League university Vinn doesn't design its own curriculum?

, and which will enhance my knowledge in Health Sciences and develop my teamwork skills. Additionally, becoming a Vinuniversity student will give me the chance to practice with cutting edge technology that improves my practical skills better than the traditional way. As a Vinuniversity wannabe, I'm convinced that I can contribute to the university in many ways. First, by using my communication skills, I believe that I can connect people at the uni together.I hope I can set up a small group to practice our speaking skills at the university. Moreover, my wish to become a doctor has driven me to read some scientific research about several ailments, and I'm convinced that I can share some of my collective knowledge with other students.