Hi

Please review my essay.


The bar chart shows the population and wealth shares in percentages of eight regions of the world, North America, Latin America and Caribbean, Europe, Africa, China, India, Rich Asia Pacific and other Asian Pacific regions.

In all, North America, with just over five per cent share in the population, has around thirty-five per cent share in the wealth. While the combined share in population of India and China is close to forty per cent, it is less than five per cent in wealth.

With slightly over twenty per cent share in the population, North America and Europe have a significant sixty per cent share in the wealth. On the other hand, with only five per cent share in the population, the Rich Asia Pacific region’s share in the wealth is remarkably twenty-five per cent. While Africa and Latin America and Caribbean regions have almost the same percentage of share in population, the latter have a higher share in the wealth. Though India’s share in the population is five per cent more than that of Africa, their percentage of share in the wealth is almost the same.


Suresh

The bar chart shows the population and wealth shares in percentages of eight regions of the world, (awkward - there are no percentages of regions here. ) North America, Latin America and Caribbean, Europe, Africa, China, India, Rich Asia Pacific and other Asian Pacific regions.


Here are some correct expressions:

The bar chart shows the percentage of the world's wealth and the percentage of the world's population in eight different regions.

The bar chart shows the distribution of the world's population and wealth among eight different regions.

The bar chart shows eight regions of the world and their respective shares of total wealth and population.


Overall, the bar chart shows the extreme disparity between wealthy and poor regions. The poorest, India and Africa, have high populations and little wealth where the opposite is true for the richest, North America and Europe.



In all, North America, with just over 5% five percent share in of the population, has around thirty-five per cent share in percent of the wealth. While the combined share in of population of India and China is close to forty percent per cent, it is has less than five per cent in percent 5% of the wealth.

For data values use numerals and the percent sign. Otherwise, your essay is very very wordy and repetitive. Use fractional descriptions also, e.g 20% is one-fifth or one in five, 25% is one quarter, or one in four.

With slightly over twenty percent share in the population, North America and Europe have a significant sixty percent share in the wealth. On the other hand, with only five percent share in the population, the Rich Asia Pacific region’s share in the wealth is remarkably twenty-five percent. While Africa and Latin America and Caribbean regions have almost the same percentage of share in population, the latter have a higher share in the wealth. Though India’s share in the population is five percent more than that of Africa, their percentage of share in the wealth is almost the same.


The clearest description of the information for comparison purposes is in terms of ratios. If the world's wealth were equally distributed, the ratio of share of population to share of wealth would be 1:1. That is, a region with 50% of the population would have 50% of the wealth.

The countries with more wealth per person than the average have higher ratios of wealth:population. For example, North America, (34:6) has a ratio of over 5:1, that is every person there has more than 5 times the wealth than they would, if wealth were evenly distributed. Africa is the opposite; each African has only one fifth of the wealth that they would if there were equity. North Americans are, on average, 25 times richer than Africans.

There is a great difference in the overall Asia-Pacific region, which is divided into richer and poorer nations. The rich region is nearly as wealthy as the North Americans, in that each person has about 5 times more wealth than in an even distribution. The poorer region is 3:17 or about 1:5, which makes the people there only slightly better off than Africans.

I went through the corrections and comments, AlpheccaStars.

I understand I need to practice a lot.

The way you have expressed the whole thing, in ratios, looks very different; it shows the writer has interpreted the data very effectively. I need to go a long way.

For now, I will focus on wordiness and repetitions.

Thank you very much for checking my essay.

Suresh

Students: Are you brave enough to let our tutors analyse your pronunciation?
vsureshit shows the writer has interpreted the data very effectively. I need to go a long way.

At the university level, students have to be able to analyze the data using different viewpoints and techniques. This demonstrates their insight into how to present the information in a clear way.

I understand. I will continue to practice.

Thank you very much for your continuous support. I am aware that I am knowingly and unknowingly make the same mistakes. For example, you have pointed out that I need to use pronouns and to be careful about wordiness.

I think the problem is for a long time I had ignored writing. And, I must admit that I have not done any serious study of any academic subject.

When I read your essays, I understand the gaps very clearly.

I will continue to read and write, for I believe that is the only thing I can do.

Suresh