Hello, this is my first post here.
I want to apply to one of the business school in the US. I would like to ask if you could correct the text I have written in English.
Thanks in advance.

When I was a child, my family used to mock me of “half autistic" because I was so tuned in tinker with devices, toys, or electronic stuffs. When I was 7, my Dad already introduced me to IBM PC XT/AT with monochrome monitor. I learned Basic Programming and FORTRAN at that time. In my childhood, I used to play and try to fix my pocket radio or my toy cars and also my broken bicycle. When I entered junior high school, I could already assembly my own computer and got familiar with the Linux Operating System. I also work as internship in a computer company owned by my friend's Dad. There, I did some computer hardware repair work and also responsible for the network and web design and programming – and I could get small pocket money for buying things and went to cinema.

My interest at technology was getting intense when I attended a college. I was administered at accounting department and concentrate on accounting information system. My accounting knowledge allows me to look at the business entity comprehensively from one point to another, while the information system made me know the potential and opportunities to leverage the business entity via technology in order to survive in the competitive business environment.

When I was writing my thesis, I took a theme about strategic alignment between business strategy and information system strategy in banking industry . The result showed that technology is a great equalizer and great enabler which allows the performance of business entity to improve significantly. Then, I took the paper for presentation at Accounting Symposium in front of about 300 audiences from academician or business practitioner, regardless the fact that I was the youngest participant there, the audiences were so enthusiastic and interested to my presentation.

I believe that technology is very important in human life, not only to aid human in doing their daily activities, but also to enable them to achieve much better result. Moreover, in my country, technology is prime necessity to make education accessible to people, to improve their living standard, to cut-off bureaucracy and eliminate inefficiency, and to escape from the third world status.

Therefore, my goal is to start or lead a company that can harness the power of technology to make a positive impact in the world. My working experience at XXX office did show me the complex and fascinating change that accompany the proliferation of information technology. However, that experience has not prepared me to run my own business. At this point in my life, I have to make a decision: continue working and climb up corporate ladder or pursue a business that I am passionate about. I am choosing the latter, which is why I am now applying to the XYZ School.

There are lots of things that make me choose XYZ to help me to achieve my goals; and disregard the others. Most importantly, XYZ is very good at integrating management and technology. Besides, XYZ is known all over the world as a center for technology without a lot of boundaries between schools and colleges. XYZ also can be characterized by a number of very positive attributes: hard working, passionate, and clearly driven. This is the greatest thing to build the entrepreneurship spirit. XYZ has Center or Fellows program. The Entrepreneurial program is also so small so that student gets a lot of one-on-one time with great professors such as Professor A. There is a close-knit group of entrepreneurial students who I can bounce ideas off or come to when I am having trouble.

Some friends of mine who were the alumnus XYZ also told me that faculty from different disciplines regularly collaborate on innovative research, which, given the size of the university, quickly brings new ideas, courses, and programs to the classroom. When a new business is launched from XYZ, it is most often a combination of XYZ students, Engineering students, Science students, etc. It will provide very strong long-life networks, not only of XYZ students and alums, but of entrepreneurs within the larger XYZ community.

The idea of mini-semester also makes me interested. Students are working on many projects late at night together, collaborating on how they should prepare for the midterms and finals, and hanging out with the same people they just spend all week with at pub crawl. Plus with some professors who give so much work. Nevertheless, that is something brilliant because it enables students to make a bond with their classmates. More interestingly, because everyone who came to XYZ is very different and I will probably come across someone that I never have meant in my entire life. Everyone brings a unique characteristic to class personality, which in turn, defines XYZ community—who will undoubtedly help to shape our future careers.

It takes ideal entrepreneurial environment in order to be an entrepreneur and business leader. In order to build such an environment, it needs few necessary ingredients such as a personable environment that doesn’t feel intimidating or too large to be uncomfortable, a group of experienced people who love to help, and last but not least, the passion. It is only XYZ that have these three altogether. I believe that the plethora of cutting-edge ideas that come out of a research institution like XYZ will open many exciting doors as I seek to gain additional work experience in the technology industry.

After XYZ, I will either launch my own start-up, if the time is right, or gather additional work experience in a strategic IT consulting firm. My long-term career objective is to lead a multinational company that will help developing countries take advantage of innovations in technology.

Armed with XYZ degree and the knowledge on how to use it effectively, I know that like a tiger who left his stripes, or an elephant who left his tusks, I will rest peacefully knowing that I have left my name.
Hi, my name is Kostya, English is SL for me too. However I've been living in the US for half a year. So I decided to answer to try to help you with your essay. I won't be always correct so be sure to get a check from a native speaker. Besides I'm an MBA student myself (Golden Gate University, San Francisco). Where are you applying BTW?

so tuned in tinker -> so tuned in to tinker

I learned Basic Programming and FORTRAN at that time -> was learning

I also work as internship in a -> I also worked as an intern in a ...

and also responsible for the network -> and also was responsible

for the network and web design and programming -> for the network, web design, and programming

pocket money for buying things and went to cinema -> to buy things and go to cinema

was getting intense when I attended a college -> just 'intensified'

I was administered at accounting department and concentrate on accounting information system. -> I studied at an accounting department and concentrated ...

My accounting knowledge allows me to look at the business entity comprehensively from one point to another, while the information system made me know the potential and opportunities to leverage the business entity via technology in order to survive in the competitive business environment. -> My accounting knowledge allows me to get a 360-degree view of a business entity, while the knowledge of information systems shows me ways to use IT to improve business effectiveness, which is crucial for survival in the competitive business environment.

When I was writing my thesis, I took a theme about strategic alignment between business strategy and information system strategy in banking industry . The result showed that technology is a great equalizer and great enabler which allows the performance of business entity to improve significantly. -> My thesis topic was about a strategic alignment between business strategy and information systems in a banking industry.

... ok I'm too tired ... Hope that will help. Improve at least articles usage - they are kinda simple :-) Good luck!
Before you write please inform us about what kind of an essay it is supposed to be.
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Many thanks for your suggestions, Kostya.

I'm applying to UCLA as my top choice (very longshot), but it depend on my GMAT score. I'm planning to take it next week. I also considering to apply to Calstate Fullerton. I love California, anyway. Emotion: smile
Hi Doll,
I think I have given some information about my essay on my first post above. I'm applying into master program, business degree, in the US. They ask me to write on something about my unique experience.
Please help me to revise my essay.
There are types of essays such as descriptive essay, illustrative essay, compare and contrast essay etc and each type of essay has unique strategies. I couldn't guess what kind of an essay is yours.
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Descriptive.
No one can help me? Emotion: smile