Please guide me! I tried my best to slow down some parts of the story. But I think it failed. Please help me! I don't know how to make my essay more exciting. Somehow i feel that it is still moving at one pace. How can i improve? Is the essay off the topic? Are there any problems with this essay?


When a family moved to a new home and found that the keys provided did not unlock the front door

Jimmy, my six-year-old baby brother, was stuffing his huge teddy bear into his bag pack. “Hurry up kids! We’re running late!” Turning around, Mother ran down the stairs. We are going to move today. Everyone was doing their last minute packing. “Jimmy! Can’t you just carry that bear?” Jimmy stared at me blankly, thought for a minute and frowned. “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” He flung his teddy bear over his shoulder, zipped his blue bag and hopped down the stairs.

I took a last glance at my bedroom. It had been with me since I was two. I am sixteen now. “Good-bye now, old friend,” I felt the door for the last time. The room looked so empty. My homework used to pile up at a corner with bits of tissues. I missed my messy purple room. “Tammy! I forgot to take my sweets,” frowning, I eyed for Jimmy’s sweets. There was a mountain at a corner of his room! I was stunned. At the top lay the jelly-beans I had lost last week. “You’re dead, Jimmy!” grabbing the pile of sweets, I stormed down the stairs.

Jimmy was about to suffocate when father came passing by. “Stop strangling your brother, Tammy,” Before I could reply, Jimmy jumped in. “Dad, save me! I’m dying!” Jimmy struggled to break free. “Hurry up everyone! It’s getting late!” We all took one last look at the house and raced to the car.

We arrived at our new home after a two hour long drive. “Ah, this is the smell of fresh air!” Laughing, father started unloading the baggage. He looked like an elephant. Jimmy was sniffing around as though he was a mouse. Mother was gazing at the garden, getting ready to farm.

“Finally, the moment we’ve been waiting for!” Dad announced as he stabbed the key into the golden key hole and turned. The door did not budge. Dad tried again. The door still remained like a stone. Mother was getting worried. Why did the door not open?

Father inspected the keys. Then, he poked into the keyhole again. He turned. It still did not unlock the door. Dad turned the key impatiently. Everyone remained silent, watching and hoping the door could open. Was it the correct key? The atmosphere felt heavy. I felt as if I could taste it at the tip of my tongue. The door just would not open. Suddenly, I saw something I had never noticed before- a small crack on the porch. The wind was howling. It was getting dark.

Then, Father gave up. He flipped on his mobile phone. “Is it the Moving Guaranteed? One of your agents gave us the wrong keys,” we listened on. “Yes, I am. I am at 512 Road,” Dad paused. “Yes, my family is moving in today,” Dad held on. Mother stood beside him, her hand at her waist. Jimmy was squatting at the grass patch, plucking grasses. I looked around. The house looked bigger than the old house; it had a garden and a balcony. But still, I missed the old house.

Father hung up the phone. “They’re coming to check the keys.” Mother nodded her head. The moon was out by the time the agent arrived. He gave Dad another set of keys and apologized for the wrong key given. This time, Dad insert the key into the keyhole, he turned it slowly. Then, the door opened, revealing the new empty house.

It was twelve when I went to bed in my new room. “What a day!” I thought of the keys as I slowly closed my eyes.

Hi Pleasecorrectme,

You did slow down the essay somewhat, esp. with the lock problem. However, I don't see why that part is so important to your story. What is your theme? If you want to talk about not wanting to leave the old house, then that's the bit you should focus on, and forget about the lock problem. Right now, there're two stories in your essay -- the "leaving the old house" story and the "lock" story. And those two are not closely related.
Oh! I was given the title : When a family moved to a new home and found that the keys provided did not unlock the front door

The focus should be on the keys which did not unlock the front door and on what happened next. The main focus should be on what happened next, but i could not think of any solution to what happened next, so i briefly wrote some. How can i focus on a story on the most important part? Should i dwell on the focus? I'm abit confuse on how to focus on the main point of the whole story and the linkage of the essay. How can i focus on the focus? What should i do? Please guide me! Thank you so much! I am really glad to have you as a teacher! Emotion: big smile
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I see. Then I suggest you either 1) start with the key problem and tell us how it is resolved or 2) relate a series of events that cause the problem (perhaps father picked up the wrong key)?
Hi. You did succeed in slowing down the essay. But you should keep close to the essay title, which is "a family moved to a new home and found that the keys provided did not unlock the front door." The main emphasis should be on the keys provided cannot unlock the front door. But you only talk about it briefly. You focus your attention on your feelings and what your family did on the moving part. That is not the main point of the essay question. You will score probably a distinction is the title of this essay is "Moving house". You describe your feelings accurately. But overall, it's still a relatively good essay (:

Haha, I just had a 30 mark test on this exact topic today. Bet she took it from here. Anyways, I like it. Well-written.

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I guess this question was on the 2002 past paper