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hello, everyone. I just finished my first draft of my statement of motivation for master program. please give me your advice or ask questions if some part confused you. i really need your suggestions!

here we go.

I chose Building Service as my career because I have seen a globalize problem that many employees complain about the unpleasant and unhealthy working environment which leads to sub-health and inefficient work. After I took the job in Rider Levett Bucknall as a quantity surveyor after graduating from the Department of Building Service Engineering at xx University in July 2010, my desire to devote myself into this field becomes stronger. By giving consulting services for construction contracts and settlement of final accounts, I saw clearly of the technologies used in a building and the way which real estate investors wants to go. But unfortunately, real estate investors, neither contractors nor building system designers pay little attention to this potential and profitable field. People will enjoy their work by comfortable workplace and get much help from intelligent buildings. To achieve my ambition, I studied hard in Tongji University, which made me got a pleasant rank (overall No.3 in the class) and satisfied GPA (4.21/5). I thought I mastered the knowledge well till I got a job in an international consulting firm. Some chances to deal with the international projects and advanced technologies information make me feel electrical and computer science are the basic to ambient intelligence and embedded systems, while A University of Technology has the excellent reputation in Engineering Science & Technology, especially in electrical and computer science. In my opinion, combination with theories and practice plays a vital role in engineering study. At this point, TUA and I see eye to eye with each other. The curriculum provision of TUA can make me gain the knowledge and practice in an international environment at the same time. Due to remarkable researches in engineering science and international study environment, I feel strongly TUA is my dream school and will fit my career plans. I am a good planner because I always have a clear vision of my goals. I chose Building Service as my career, but not only a program I have taken. I am interested in this field since I started my bachelor’s program. I have planned to have master program at my first day of the class in university. The reason why I took a job in a property and construction consulting firm instead of taking a master program immediately after graduation is that I want to know the whole process and the present situation of building systems in constructions as I can see and analysis different types of projects, the successful ones and failure ones. After one and half years working experience, my high enthusiasm of being an outstanding consultant in an international real estate investment company pursues me to take a further study. If I can have my further research in TUA, an international vision and research & work experience will totally help me get into such a career. The more comfortable buildings the investors make, the more enjoyment employees gain from their work. I am confident for being a suitable candidate for this Master program for following reasons. First of all, my background fits the program well. For education, I had good performance at architecture and buildings, C programming, all courses of electronics, synthesis cabling technology etc. For working experience, hundreds of buildings installing system designing draft made me have a deep understanding of the trend of building service engineering. My practical skills were extended by learning from the constructors and engineers when I went to the site for checking the process of the project. Last but not the least, my well understanding of building service engineering and great passion for making the workplace healthy and comfortable will always keep my steps on in this field. In a word, I am surely the program of Building Service in TUA is the best path for me to fulfill my dream------making work better by creating a comfortable and health workplace.
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sorry,the structure was a mess. i repost it as followed.

I chose Building Service as my career because I have seen a globalize problem that many employees complain about the unpleasant and unhealthy working environment which leads to sub-health and inefficient work. After I took the job in Rider Levett Bucknall as a quantity surveyor after graduating from the Department of Building Service Engineering at xx University in July 2010, my desire to devote myself into this field becomes stronger. By giving consulting services for construction contracts and settlement of final accounts, I saw clearly of the technologies used in a building and the way which real estate investors wants to go. But unfortunately, real estate investors, neither contractors nor building system designers pay little attention to this potential and profitable field. People will enjoy their work by comfortable workplace and get much help from intelligent buildings.

To achieve my ambition, I studied hard in xx University, which made me got a pleasant rank (overall No.3 in the class) and satisfied GPA (4.21/5). I thought I mastered the knowledge well till I got a job in an international consulting firm. Some chances to deal with the international projects and advanced technologies information make me feel electrical and computer science are the basic to ambient intelligence and embedded systems, while A University of Technology has the excellent reputation in Engineering Science & Technology, especially in electrical and computer science. In my opinion, combination with theories and practice plays a vital role in engineering study. At this point, TUA and I see eye to eye with each other. The curriculum provision of TUA can make me gain the knowledge and practice in an international environment at the same time. Due to remarkable researches in engineering science and international study environment, I feel strongly TUA is my dream school and will fit my career plans.

I am a good planner because I always have a clear vision of my goals. I chose Building Service as my career, but not only a program I have taken. I am interested in this field since I started my bachelor’s program. I have planned to have master program at my first day of the class in university. The reason why I took a job in a property and construction consulting firm instead of taking a master program immediately after graduation is that I want to know the whole process and the present situation of building systems in constructions as I can see and analysis different types of projects, the successful ones and failure ones. After one and half years working experience, my high enthusiasm of being an outstanding consultant in an international real estate investment company pursues me to take a further study. If I can have my further research in TUA, an international vision and research & work experience will totally help me get into such a career. The more comfortable buildings the investors make, the more enjoyment employees gain from their work.

I am confident for being a suitable candidate for this Master program for following reasons. First of all, my background fits the program well. For education, I had good performance at architecture and buildings, C programming, all courses of electronics, synthesis cabling technology etc. For working experience, hundreds of buildings installing system designing draft made me have a deep understanding of the trend of building service engineering. My practical skills were extended by learning from the constructors and engineers when I went to the site for checking the process of the project. Last but not the least, my well understanding of building service engineering and great passion for making the workplace healthy and comfortable will always keep my steps on in this field.

In a word, I am surely the program of Building Service in TUA is the best path for me to fulfill my dream------making work better by creating a comfortable and health workplace.