I've proofread my essay, but I know it still sucks in a strange way. The helpless guy would appreciate any help!

Precaution: You are about to read a painfully boring essay:

The downtown underground ancillary retail area, PATH and the retail strip on Danforth Avenue, Greektown both thrive on commercial and retail activities, but their locations, accessibility, market orientation, the degree of specialty and the composition of the retail endow each one with distinctive appeal.

Although commercial and retail activities in PATH take place underground, it is located under the downtown core, the centre of Toronto’s financial district. The system is under more than ten major intersections, and near expressways, subway stations, bus lines and railway lines. Drivers can reach the area through the Gardiner expressway or the Don Valley parkway; those who take the TTC can get off either at the Union station on the south side, the St. Andrew station on the east side or the King station on the west side, and all three stations have tunnels directly connected to PATH. The underground parking lots also allow drivers to access the system with ease. Unlike PATH, Greektown is east of the centre of Toronto, and has less major streets, less subway stations, bus lines and parking lots in the vicinity; however, it is immediately next to large residential areas, and the locals can simply walk to each of the retail stores. A common characteristic the two locations share is that they are both next to the lake. In summer, tourists visiting the lake are likely to interact with either or both of the retail areas because the two areas are both convenient to access. Since Path is also near a sports venue and several cultural buildings, it can attract more people on route to sports and cultural events.

In PATH, beside sporadic stores featuring exotic souvenirs, jewellery and watches, a large number of the stores are retail chains, most of which bearing well-known brands. The three main focuses of the chain stores are: fashion, beauty and food. The apparel stores generally sell fashionable apparels, mostly for women, at prices relatively higher than most other similar goods being sold elsewhere. The apparels range from casual business outfits to glossy handbags. Because of the many office towers, banks and the high population density of white-collars in this area, there is a huge potential demand for business-related products. Most of the apparel stores specialize in quality career attires, a wide selection of modern edge suiting as well as updated classics; they also offer a strong assortment of coats, weekend separates, evening wear, shoes and leather accessories. For most of the beauty-related stores, they offer high quality cosmetic and body care services, and the majority of their customers appear to be professionally dressed young females. Of all the retail outlets, they share some common design scenarios that could help boost sales: high visibility and captivating display windows. Almost every store displays its most featured products behind part of its wall-sized display window with ample lighting, with part of the display window clear of products so that potential customers and peek the inside of the store. Most of the stores are clean, glamorous and organized; most have angular floor plans and adequate space between aisles which ensure comfort while shopping. Another large proportion of the retail activities take place in the food court, which seems to be the next busiest place beside the fashion outlets. There are several food courts and convenient food markets, which seem to be most convenient for people working downtown and have easy access to PATH.

As fashion stores prevail in PATH, restaurants, pubs and cafes dominate the retail activities in Greektown. The street is filled with the scent of traditional Greek food, and many of the restaurants feature open kitchens, where people are welcome to watch the preparation of authentic Greek cuisine. All the restaurants have a relaxing atmosphere where people can sit back and enjoy a hearty and delicious home-style meal such as marinated octopus, or drink ouzo outside in the patio in summer. The exotic restaurants are not only convenient for the locals to access, but also a great tourist attraction. Although the restaurants are highly concentrated and competing next to each other, most have above-average-priced menus. It could be that the demand for these restaurants is high enough so that few of the owners have the incentive to lower the price. Walking along the street, you will also notice several animated fruit and vegetable stands, souvenir stores, butcher shops and house wares stores. The convenient food stores are compact and offer a variety of food; unlike the restaurants, the food stores are rather far apart, each capturing a segment of the street. Along the street, there are also a few interior-design stores such as “Romancing the home”, which target mostly at young couples who can be frequently spotted walking with children on Danforth. Compared to PATH, Greektown has significantly less fashion stores and retail chains. Although most of the stores feature large display windows and allow pedestrians to look into the stores from the street, few decorate their store with lighting that creates the brilliant view one sees in PATH. Most of the stores use the simple straight floor plan, a design that is economical and efficient.

In order to keep the street clean, the owner of each store on Danforth is responsible for the sidewalk segment next to his/her store. On the other hand, PATH is better managed by its staff such as caretakers, help desks and security guards, and each segment of the walkway is owned and controlled by the owner of the property through which it runs. Although the underground PATH ancillary area has evolved into the quintessence of modern shopping complex, Greektown continues to attract more people with its traditional, foreign yet friendly atmosphere.
The end. Thank you very much for your help and patience.
Hi,

It would help if you gave us the specific question or topic.

Best wishes, Clive
Good to see you again, Clive Emotion: smile

The topic is to contrast the two retail strips, PATH and Greektown. I need to compare their locations, accessibility, design, the degree of specialty, the composition of the stores and the extend to which the two places are controlled.

Some info. about each location:
PATH is an undergound retail complex built under the skyscrapers in downtown.
Greektown features Greek and European cuisine most.

Actually I was just hoping that you guys could take the time to make my essay gramatical, but any corrections and suggestions on other aspects of the essay would be even more appreciated.
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Hi,

I need to compare their locations, accessibility, design, the degree of specialty, the composition of the stores and the extend to which the two places are controlled.


Here are some overall comments.

You need to make the structure of your essay very clear for the reader.

You told me (in the above sentence) that you are supposed to compare these locations in six different ways. When I look at your essay, the body of it consists of three large paragraphs. How do these paragraphs relate to the 'six areas'? At the start of each paragraph, tell the reader in a 'paragraph topic' sentence what you are now going to discuss. Otherwise, it gives the impression that you are just rambling on, and the reader begins to think 'Why is he telling me all this stuff?' Why not make it six separate paragraphs?

I also see a very short introduction and a very short conclusion. In the intro, tell me the two shopping areas you are going to look at. Then tell the (six) areas you are going to look at, and overall what you are going to say about them. In the conclusion, remind me of what these six areas were, what you said about them, and what your final, overall opinion is about these two shopping areas.

In short, I think you need to revise and clarify your structure before I or anyone else spends time trying to help you with details of grammar, etc.Emotion: smile

Best wishes, Clive
Thanks for you adive Clive Emotion: smile I've just changed the structure into "intro -> area 1 -> area 2 -> conclusion". In the two main paragraphs, I write about each area independently, mentioning all the six points. I feel it's difficult for me to write in six paragraphs because I really can't come up with enough words to make up a single paragraph for every point. (ie: that's why I wrote location&accessibility of each location in one paragraph before). I'm not sure how to expand the intro (what should I add?), but I've added stuff to the conclusion.

(new structure: )

The downtown underground ancillary retail area, PATH and the retail strip on Danforth Avenue, Greektown both thrive on commercial and retail activities, but their locations, accessibility, market orientation, the degree of specialty and the composition of the retail endow each one with distinctive appeal.

Although commercial and retail activities in PATH take place underground, it is located under the downtown core, the centre of Toronto’s financial district. The system is under more than ten major intersections, and near expressways, subway stations, bus lines and railway lines. Drivers can reach the area through the Gardiner expressway or the Don Valley parkway; those who take the TTC can get off either at the Union station on the south side, the St. Andrew station on the east side or the King station on the west side, and all three stations have tunnels directly connected to PATH. The underground parking lots also allow drivers to access the system with ease. Beside sporadic stores featuring exotic souvenirs, jewellery and watches, a large number of the stores that PATH features are retail chains, most of which bearing well-known brands. The three main focuses of the chain stores are: fashion, beauty and food. The apparel stores generally sell fashionable apparels, mostly for women, at prices relatively higher than most other similar goods being sold elsewhere. The apparels range from casual business outfits to glossy handbags. Because of the many office towers, banks and the high population density of white-collars in this area, there is a huge potential demand for business-related products. Most of the apparel stores specialize in quality career attires, a wide selection of modern edge suiting as well as updated classics; they also offer a strong assortment of coats, weekend separates, evening wear, shoes and leather accessories. For most of the beauty-related stores, they offer high quality cosmetic and body care services, and the majority of their customers appear to be professionally dressed young females. Of all the retail outlets, they share some common design scenarios that could help boost sales: high visibility and captivating display windows. Almost every store displays its most featured products behind part of its wall-sized display window with ample lighting, with part of the display window clear of products so that potential customers and peek the inside of the store. Most of the stores are clean, glamorous and organized; most have angular floor plans and adequate space between aisles which ensure comfort while shopping. Another large proportion of the retail activities take place in the food court, which seems to be the next busiest place beside the fashion outlets. There are several food courts and convenient food markets, which seem to be most convenient for people working downtown and have easy access to PATH.

Unlike PATH, Greektown is on the eastside of downtown, and has less major streets, subway stations, bus lines and parking lots in the vicinity; however, it is immediately next to large residential areas, and the locals can simply walk to each of the retail stores. A common characteristic the two locations share is that they are both next to the lake. In summer, tourists visiting the lake are likely to interact with either or both of the retail areas because the two areas are both convenient to access. Since Path is also near a sports venue and several cultural buildings, it can attract more people on route to sports and cultural events. As fashion stores prevail in PATH, restaurants, pubs and cafes dominate the retail activities in Greektown. The street is filled with the scent of traditional Greek food, and many of the restaurants feature open kitchens, where people are welcome to watch the preparation of authentic Greek cuisine. All the restaurants have a relaxing atmosphere where people can sit back and enjoy a hearty and delicious home-style meal such as marinated octopus, or drink ouzo outside in the patio in summer. The exotic restaurants are not only convenient for the locals to access, but also a great tourist attraction. Although the restaurants are highly concentrated and competing next to each other, most have above-average-priced menus. It could be that the demand for these restaurants is high enough so that few of the owners have the incentive to lower the price. Walking along the street, you will also notice several animated fruit and vegetable stands, souvenir stores, butcher shops and house wares stores. The convenient food stores are compact and offer a variety of food; unlike the restaurants, the food stores are rather far apart, each capturing a segment of the street. Along the street, there are also a few interior-design stores such as “Romancing the home”, which target mostly at young couples who can be frequently spotted walking with children on Danforth. Compared to PATH, Greektown has significantly less fashion stores and retail chains. Although most of the stores feature large display windows and allow pedestrians to look into the stores from the street, few decorate their store with lighting that creates the brilliant view one sees in PATH. Most of the stores use the simple straight floor plan, a design that is economical and efficient. In order to keep the street clean, the owner of each store on Danforth is responsible for the sidewalk segment next to his/her store. On the other hand, PATH is better managed by its staff such as caretakers, help desks and security guards, and each segment of the walkway is owned and controlled by the owner of the property through which it runs.

PATH has an advantage over Greektown on location and accessibility, as it is in the downtown core and better supported with public transit; as the main demand of the stores in both PATH and Greektown are the people nearest the area, a smaller portion of the market is passer-bys and tourists; while the stores in PATH feature fashionable goods, traditional foreign cuisine is the spotlight of Greektown. As the underground PATH ancillary area has evolved into the quintessence of modern shopping complex, Greektown continues to attract more people with its traditional, exotic yet friendly atmosphere.

Hi again,

I've just changed the structure into "intro -> area 1 -> area 2 -> conclusion". In the two main paragraphs, I write about each area independently, mentioning all the six points. I feel it's difficult for me to write in six paragraphs because I really can't come up with enough words to make up a single paragraph for every point. (ie: that's why I wrote location&accessibility of each location in one paragraph before). I'm not sure how to expand the intro (what should I add?), but I've added stuff to the conclusion.

(new structure: )


So, if I want to know what the difference is between Greek Town and the PATH with regard to degree of speciality, I have to search all through these two enormous paragraphs to find the places where you talk about this topic? And then I have to say to myself, hmmmm, what is the difference here? In other words, I have to do all the work that you were asked to do by your teacher? You've just done two huge, long, separate descriptions? Starstuff, this is not a good approach at all. I'm sorry, but I would give you a very, very low mark for this. I don't mean to be harsh, but I want you to understand how to do better.

Now I'm just going to have a quick look at some of your English.

The downtown underground ancillary retail area, PATH, and the retail strip on Danforth Avenue, Greektown, both thrive on commercial and retail activities, but their locations, accessibility, market orientation, degree of specialty and composition endow each one with distinctive appeal. So, tell me a lttile here about these distinctive appeals.

The commercial and retail activities of PATH take place underground It is located under the downtown core, the centre of Toronto’s financial district. The system is under more than ten major intersections, and near expressways, subway stations, bus lines and railway lines. Drivers can reach the area through the Gardiner expressway or the Don Valley parkway. Those who take the TTC can get off either at the Union station on the south side, the St. Andrew station on the east side or the King station on the west side, and all three stations have tunnels directly connected to PATH. The underground parking lots also allow drivers to access the system with ease. Beside sporadic stores featuring exotic souvenirs, jewellery and watches, a large number of the stores that PATH features are retail chains, most of which carry well-known brands. The three main focuses of the chain stores are: fashion, beauty and food. The apparel stores generally sell fashionable clothes, mostly for women, at prices relatively higher than most other similar goods being sold elsewhere. I just checked to here, and I've corrected a few things. Overall, the Englishis not bad. It reads like a flyer published by the people who manage 'the PATH'. I don't mean to offend you, but I want to ask a question. Are these all your own words, or have you taken some from text written by someone else?

If you want to try yet again, I'm still happy to have a look.

Best wishes, Clive
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I highly appreciate your effort Clive Emotion: smile These are all in my own words as you can see how absurd some of the sentences sound. I just feel that some of the sentences are not natural, but don't know how to correct them. For the flyer tone, hahahaha...I didn't know I sounded like that. Is it too tasteless and pretentious? What would be my grade just on English (out of 100)? Meanwhile I'll try the 6-paragraph structure, and I definitely agree it's a much better approach. Thanks for motivating me to do that. Emotion: smile
Hi,

What would be my grade just on English (out of 100)? Probably a bit better than average, although you were just describing things rather than expressing ideas.

So, if you can learn to do a good job of organizing your essays, you have a chance to do well.Emotion: smile

Clive