hello everyone,

I will be applying for Rhodes Scholarship for studying Msc in Financial Economics.I need to submit a 1000 words essay for that.I've written something but it doesnt seem to be too good.Someone please offer me some suggestions to make it better.

csoubhik...

It was raining heavily. Rain drops ran along his sparse hair, along his face and disappeared somewhere. Still a drop of tear, spilling of his eye, could not disguise itself among the drops on his fully drenched face. My strong man was crying! Though the familiar assuring smile was still lingering on his face, the drop deceived him. I had disappointed him.

My father has always been my ideal. Feeble looking but still the strongest man on earth. What could he not do for my sake! I still remember how he walked 20kms on a “bandh” day and got me a toy from the next town. He was from a village background and it was really an incredible achievement to have risen from such state of poverty to what he is now. And I was his pride. Being always the best in the class, twice champion of inter-school badminton, member of inter school footer team and the junior chess champion of the town, I was his dream in a living form. He wanted me to have the best education possible in the country. I appeared for the entrance test for Sainik School Purulia (West Bengal). Sure enough, I got through, being among the only three from the state (for class 9th). But then I got weak. Within days I got so home sick that dad had to come to take me back. Disappointed, but still the assuring smile on his face seemed to say, “Never mind son, nothing ends with this”. But I saw his wound. He was hurt. Hurt by me. Hurt by what people said about me. His smile failed to assure me this time.

I got back to the same school (A.G Church Sodepur). I used to get so fed up of people asking me questions and mocking at me, that it was really hard to withhold tears at times. But I had to fight back. I had to show the people that one incident cannot dub me as a failure. I had to prove I was still the best. I had to make my dad proud again. I labored hard. I scored the highest in school in 10th (92%). People talked less. Dad was happy. But I still failed to find that gleam of pride for me in his eyes. I took admission in Delhi Public School, Bokaro for +2s. Being far away from my home I was again to go out of home. For days before the admission day I had sleepless nights. It will be the same all over again. I will again be all alone. I will again be away from my family. But this time I was determined to not let go.

On the day admission day, we finished the admission formalities early. Then dad took me to the place I would be staying. I could not afford be a paying guest. One of officials of Bokaro Steel Plant (with whom dad had some distant acquaintance) had agreed to rent me his outhouse. I was to stay there. As dad left, I gave him a big smile. He seemed somewhat amused at my reaction and returned the smile. Then he left. I was all alone. It seemed terrible. The shabby, dim outhouse made me crave for my cozy home. I jumped into the hard bed. Started crying. It must have a long time after which I got up. Washed my face. Went to a booth and called up mom. She was glad to know I wasn’t sad. Dad had reached and told her I had grown up.

It was an altogether different life. I had to done everything of my own. I had to wake up early in the morning to make my breakfast and Tiffin for school. Then I was in the school for the whole day. Used to come back in the afternoon, make my lunch, clean the room and utensils and then rested for an hour. The evenings were spent preparing for IIT JEE entrance exams. I was determined to make through it. Not only because being in IIT had become a craze among all the students but because I want to bring back the sense of pride back in my dad’s eyes. I had to cook again at night for my dinner. Often I used to make ample food during lunchtime itself, so didn’t have to cook again. At times I missed home too much. Visiting some of friends’ homes made me feel better. Or I called up home. The voices of mom and dad made me regain my confidence. I appeared for IIT JEE after the board exams. Having finished my studies in Bokaro, I went back home.

Then came the day. IIT JEE results were declared. I was among the 2% students selected from the 2lakh that appeared. It was in office that dad had learned about my result. He came back home almost. Took me in his arms and started crying. But I felt really good. I knew those were tears of joy. I could see the pride for me back in his eyes. I had done it.

There was no looking back after that. I was always among the toppers in the department. Everything was as happy as ever. I was successful in whatever I did. I got involved in many prestigious projects. I was among the five students to be selected to represent the institute in the International Petrotech Conference(Jan 05).I became a part of the National Service Scheme. Had many trips to the nearby villages. Organised medical camps, night schools. It was a whole new world I was being exposed to. Everyday my vision was changing. My sole ambition in life had been to make my father proud of me. But I now saw how selfish was that on my part. The world was not all about being happy myself and making my family happy. There were millions suffering. There were millions unemployed. The huge resource of Indian brain was being drained away. Infact , we iitians, supposed to be the cream of India, were the very people to leave India the earliest. I craved to do something. To open up such avenues for the for the Indian brain so that it would not have to leave the country in hope of richer pastures. To create such opportunities that the people have work and can support their living. The only solution was to build up a business empire.

As before, I was laughed at by my friends. “why not join a MNC and have a comfortable life abroad?”, asked one. “You are money maniac”, said another. I failed to make them understand that business was not my aim, but simply a method to achieve my aim. My aim was something much much beyond it. But my thoughts either seemed stupid ideologies or selfish interests to people. But once again, dad was there. “You’ll be a remarkable businessman son. I have always seen the way you plan your moves on the chess board”. “Am I being selfish or money crazy dad?”, I asked. “Whats the harm being crazy for money if you don’t want it for yourself? And the person who cannot think about himself cant think about others. Go about with your plans. I am with you. Remember, very few people can achieve what you have dreamt of. But what can you not do to make your dad proud! “ . The smile on his face wiped off all my doubts. Nothing can stop me now.

Being one of the topmost universities in the world, doing a Masters in Financial Economicse from Oxford will not broaden my horizon but also expose me to a whole new realm of possibilities towards achieving my goal. If offered the scholarship, I am sure I can stand upto the expectations that this scholarship nutures from the recipients and can make the league of Rhodes Scholars all the more proud.
This reads more like a short story than an essay...

what have they asked for exactly? An essay on a certain topic? A 1000 word what?
Hi there,

I had seen a couple of essay on the net having a format like that.But plz help me build up a good one.The details about the essay is as followed:

a) A signed essay (preferably typed) by the candidate detailing the proposed course of study at Oxford, general interests and activities, including sports and future aims of the candidate.

(b) The essay should not exceed 1000 words and should be in simple and direct English.

(c) Please take time and write this essay carefully because it essentially forms the basis for the candidate's interview. The essay will be read not only by the Selection Committee but also by the Oxford Colleges to which the successful candidates apply for admission.

regards

Csoubhik..
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Hi again

You only have 1000 words so stick to the information they have asked for. They do not want a fictionalised 'short story' about your father and your childhood etc etc etc. (To sum up your story ,you want to do the course to please your father. I'm not sure they will see that as a very good reason.)

So far you haven't actually written about ANY of the topics they have specified your essay MUST be about. Take their instructions one by one and write a couple of paragraphs for each point.

1)Detail your proposed course of study at Oxford.

2) Give them an idea about what sort of person you are by telling them your general interests and activities. Include sports. Include any postitions of responsibility you have held or unusual projects you have taken part in. What clubs do you belong to?

3) Your future aims. What sort of career do you want? How will this course of study help you get there? (For goodness sake, don't say you are going to please your father or because someone else mentioned it as a way of getting rich!)