Hi forum teachers, i'm practising writing a press release for a fictitious hotel and would like you to comment on my essay. And also please comment on my writing style, which area should i pay more attention on and my word choice. Thanks ~

Press Release

For Immediate Release September 21, 2007

A Grandeur Thank-You Gala for Members of

This coming 5th Oct marks the 6th anniversary of being actively expanding its customer base in the dynamic hospitality industry in its host city. Being a premier hotel that best known for its friendly services and its vibrant western fused with eastern ambience, ensures its employees are constantly being acknowledged of their services and contributions to the hotel. As a token of appreciation for their services to the hotel all year long, Eunice hotel is organizing the ever grandest evening gala for all the members and their families in the hotel’s Queen Ballroom which can accommodate up to 5,000 people.

What makes this gala meaningful is that this event is not just a food savoring and fun filled night; it is also going to be a charity drive event that held in aid of children’s charity. A fund-raising counter will be set up that night at the grand entrance to the ballroom. Members of The Orphanage House will be there to greet everyone with a beautifully handmade ribbon as they make their way into the exquisitely decorated ballroom. All the generous proceeds will go to the children charity fund.

To add flavors to the night, we have invited our very own in-house band formed by 4 talented to perform live on the stage throughout the night. Our programs are carefully arranged to present a brand new experiences to entertain all the attendees ensuring them a memorable night.

On the guest lists we have invited representatives from the Media Rex Corporation, NTS News Publications, Taiko Media, Roiler Magazines, Sensational Holiday Magazine and all local media companies. We also extend our welcoming hand to our partnering hotel agencies, Sunrise Travel Agency and De-tour Agency; Phoenix Transportation Company who have worked closely with our hotel for the past few years.

This event will end in high note with 10 luxury holiday packages given away to lucky numbers they get upon making donation at the entrance. We believe this is a exhilarating night that will be remembered by all who experience it. For more information please contact me via ……
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Hi joeviee,

There are some problems with the grammar, and I'm sorry to say it reads nothing like a press release. Don't worry about that part, because very few people write press releases.

As I suggested in my response, why don't you rewrite it as a letter from the hotel management to the staff?
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This coming 5th Oct marks the sixth anniversary of

being actively expanding its customer base in the dynamic hospitality industry in its host city. -- This makes little sense. Has it been six years since they built a big addition to the hotel? What do you mean "actively expandinig its customer base"?

A premier hotel that best known for its friendly services and its vibrant, Western/Eastern-fused ambience, ensures its employees are constantly being acknowledged for their services and contributions to the hotel. As a token of appreciation for their services to the hotel all year long, Eunice Hotel is organizing the ever grandest ever evening gala for all the members and their families in the hotel’s Queen Ballroom, which can accommodate up to 5,000 people.

What makes this gala meaningful is that this event is not just a food-savoring and fun-filled night, but also going to be a charity drive event that held in aid of a children’s charity. A fund-raising counter will be set up that night at the grand entrance to the ballroom. Members of The Orphanage House will be there to greet everyone with a beautifully handmade ribbon as they make their way into the exquisitely decorated ballroom. All the generous proceeds will go to the children charity fund. [Whose proceeds? Do the families have to pay to attend? Or is it just for donations? If so, "All donations collected will go..."]

To add flavors to the night, we [You have switched to the first person. Before you had third person] have invited our very own in-house band formed by four talented to perform live on the stage throughout the night. Our programs are carefully arranged to present a brand new experiences to entertain all the attendees ensuring them a memorable night.

On the guest lists We have invited representatives from the Media Rex Corporation, NTS News Publications, Taiko Media, Roiler Magazines, Sensational Holiday Magazine and all local media companies. We also extend our welcoming hand to our partnering hotel agencies, Sunrise Travel Agency and De-tour Agency, and the Phoenix Transportation Company who have worked closely with our hotel for the past few years.

This event will end in high note with 10 luxury holiday packages given away to guests who were given their? lucky numbers when they made a donation at the entrance. We believe this is a exhilarating night that will be remembered by all who experience it. For more information please contact me via ……
Hi Grammer Geek,

Thanks for the corrections you have made on my post. You said it wasn't sound exactly like a Press Release, may I know why? I'm cofused as to how to write a good Press Release.

The original post is intended to the media rather than the management to the internal staff, is there a problem with the whole press release that made you suggested so? Please let me know as it would be helpful for me when I come to writing a real press release to the media.

Thanks
Well, the first question you ask when writing a press release is "Is it newsworthy?"

It's a big party for the hotel staff and their families. Hotel staff members may win a prize. Hotel staff members are being recognized. What does this have to do with the general public?

The only "hook" I see here is the connection to the charity. But I'm still not clear on whether the staff MUST make a donation are they are encouraged to make a donation.

Do you have any public relations training? This is a specialized field and requires specialized training and experience, not simply the abilty to write coherently. I googled writing a good press release and got lots of hits, including this one . Perhaps you could do a little bit a research on the art and science of media relations and then try again.
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I got your poitns. Yes, a press release must have something that interest the media and the public.

I will look into the websites you suggested on your post.

Thanks a lot G.Geek.