Hi,

I am trying to send out a letter to 'potential buyers' and would really appreciate some help. Can someone please go over this letter and point out mistakes and possible improvements?

Thank you very much!

Cloudie

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Dear XYZ:

Since it was first invented during the 2rd century BC, has been the main element in many art and craft. And when it comes to , made using age-old method stands out in any art and art store, clearly making it artist’s first choice.

You're probably searching for traditional and trendy to dazzle your customers. And we, at sure have made it easy for you. We have carefully selected, almost hand-picked each and our hard work has resulted in very attractive collections. We are confident that you and your customers are going to love them.

If you would like to see our samples, just give us a call at <111.111.1111> or email us at . Our collections are also listed on our website . If you need help creating a profile or accessing the catalog, let us know.

Last, all new accounts set between date1-date2 will receive free freight on the first order!

Should you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call me. I will contact you in 2 weeks as a follow-up to this letter.

Sincerely,

Dear XYZ:

Since it was first invented during the 2rd century BC, has been the main element in many art and craft. And when it comes to , made using age-old method stands out in any art and art store, clearly making it artist’s first choice.

You're probably searching for traditional and trendy to dazzle your customers. And we, at sure have made it easy for you. We have carefully selected, almost hand-picked each and our hard work has resulted in very attractive collections. We are confident that you and your customers are going to love them.

If you would like to see our samples, just give us a call at <111.111.1111> or email us at . Our collections are also listed on our website . If you need help creating a profile or accessing the catalog, let us know.

Last, all new accounts set between date1-date2 will receive free freight on the first order!

Should you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call me. I will contact you in 2 weeks as a follow-up to this letter.

Sincerely,

I made minor modifications below. One change to bring to your attention: "...age-old method stands out in any art and art store..." I changed that to, "...age-old method stands out in any art..." "Art and art store" seems awkward to me. If it stands out in "art" then it ought to stand out where it is sold too, no?

Though I am not a marketing expert, I have to say your letter doesn't do much for me. It leaves me rather cold. You haven't given me anything to encourage me to want to buy your product. Is your product superior? More cost effective? Used by today's famous artists? Won awards? Proven superior by any tests? All you say is that you are "confident that I and my customers ae going to love them." And if we don't?

By means of a suggestion, I encourage you to purchase [url="http://tinyurl.com/4m38f "]How to Jump Start Your Business Brain[/url] by Doug Hall. He is a well know marketing person and his book is geared towards smaller businesses. He goes through what does and does not work in try to advertise and convince others of your product.

Be sure to go through the revisions carefully. Some are minor but important. For example, 2rd become 2nd. If you read quickly, you will miss it. You might even want to simply copy and paste.

Dear XYZ:

Since it was first invented during the 2nd century BC, has been a main element in many arts and crafts. And when it comes to , made using age-old method stands out in any art, clearly making it an artist’s first choice.

You're probably searching for traditional and trendy to dazzle your customers. And we, at , sure have made it easy for you. We have carefully selected, almost hand-picked each and our hard work has resulted in very attractive collections. We are confident that you and your customers are going to love them.

If you would like to see our samples, just give us a call at <111.111.1111> or email us at . Our collections are also listed on our website . If you need help creating a profile or accessing the catalog, let us know.

Last, all new accounts between date1-date2 will receive free freight on their first order!

Should you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call me. I will contact you in 2 weeks as a follow-up to this letter.

Sincerely,

I hope my comments are helpful.

MountainHiker
Hi MountainHiker,

Thank you very much for reviewing my letter and giving me excellent pointers. I will sure get the book you have suggested and work on improving my letters in future! I also have made two changes based on your feedback and would really like to hear your comments. Please let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Cloudie

Dear XYZ:

No matter how back in time you go, everyone’s heard of . Since Since it was first invented during the 2nd century BC, has been a main element in many arts and crafts. And when it comes to , made using age-old method stands out in any art, clearly making it an artist’s first choice.

You're probably searching for traditional and trendy to dazzle your customers. And we, at , sure have made it easy for you. We have carefully selected, almost hand-picked each and our hard work has resulted in very attractive collections. With quality, originality and competitive pricing combined together, we are confident that your customers are going to love them whether they are searching for an exhibition material or simply collecting a load for an imminent endeavor.

If you would like to see our samples, just give us a call at <111.111.1111> or email us at . Our collections are also listed on our website . If you need help creating a profile or accessing the catalog, let us know.

Last, all new accounts between date1-date2 will receive free freight on their first order!

Should you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call me. I will contact you in 2 weeks as a follow-up to this letter.

Sincerely,

Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Hi Cloudina,

Yes, I like this much better.

One small set of changes.
With quality, originality and competitive pricing combined together, we are confident that your customers are going to love them whether they are searching for an exhibition material or simply collecting a load for an imminent endeavor.


With quality, originality and competitive pricing, we are confident that your customers are going to love them.

I would get rid of the "combined together". It's just clutter.

I don't understand your product or the art world, but it would seem to me that customers can only do two things with art supplies: use it immediately or stockpile it for a future date. So I would delete the obvious. But if you feel better with it in, then leave it in. It's not a big deal either way.

Good luck.

MountainHiker
Hi! Could you please help me make an effective letter proposal. I want to introduce my product into restaurants... product is a wheatgrass which i think could be a part of their menu or a section of it, something like the "healthy options." I dont know how to start and how to arrive with a good one. Hope you could help me wth this. Thank you so much!!!
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