Hi everybody!

I was translating a kind funny recipe. Could you, please, check the following passages? Does it sound good? Do I need any improvement?

You will need eggs to make this apple pie. If you've run out of them, get dressed and rush out to the store. And get iodine, cleansers, soap, bandage and sticking plaster, too. On your way back, grab some flour, apples and sugar. So, you come back home and go to your kitchen right away. While unloading your purchases you will surely drop a few of eggs on the floor. Don’t worry about that, just beat remaining 5 eggs into a bowl. C l Clean the kitchen floor, or else it will be slippery. Now follow directions carefully. Take your mixer and start beating eggs. Your mixer won’t work? Just try to switch it on. It did no difference? You probably have to place the blades. So now you can beat the eggs. When you finish splashing beaten eggs all over the place you will want to have a shower. Wash yourself very well and get the yolk out of your nose. And finally, wash your clothes.

You have three beaten yolks in the bowl and that's enough to make our apple pie. Now find old newspapers and magazines and paste the entire kitchen with them. Cover your furniture with some waste blanket if you don't plan to buy new furniture. Take flour package and put about a cup of flour into the bowl. Gather the flour you spilt on a table (forget about the flour scattered on the floor) and put it back to the package. Make sure you’ve pasted all the walls and the ceiling in the kitchen properly. Now blend the eggs with the flour.

You need a bath again. Wash all that beaten mixture off. Take a sharp knife. Well, that's where you need iodine, bandage and sticking plaster. Peel five apples. Apply iodine to your cuts and bandage your fingers. Stick the plaster. Now, cut apples. Keep in mind, though, we need two apples for our pie, so feel free to eat the rest of them while cooking. Pick up all apple pieces you dropped on the floor and wash them in running water. Add apples and sugar to the dough. Beat the ingredients. Clean up all those nasty spots on the fridge and windows, or else they will dry up which will make cleaning much harder.

Pour what's left in the bowl in a frying pan. Forgot to coat your frying pan with oil? That's ok, just pour the mixture back in the bowl. Now wash the frying pan, towel it dry and coat with vegetable oil. Wash your hands and again pour the dough in the frying pan. Place in the oven. If your pie still looks pretty much the same after an hour of baking, check if you turned the heat on. So now the heat is on and you can take a rest. As you wake up suddenly, open all windows, doors and your oven. Bring your apologies to your neighbors and convince them that there was no fire. Now that you've recovered from all that shock, call your darling and say you gonna make something special for the dinner. Make for the store again and buy a cake and a bottle of wine, or even something stiffer. Unpack the cake and put it on the frying pan. Greet your darling!
changelingHi everybody!

I was translating a kind funny recipe. Could you, please, check the following passages? Does it sound good? Do I need any improvement?

You will need eggs to make this apple pie. If you've run out of them, get dressed and rush out to the store. And get iodine, cleansers, soap, bandage and sticking plaster, too. On your way back, grab some flour, apples and sugar. So, you come back home and go to your kitchen right away. While unloading your purchases you will surely drop a few of eggs on the floor. Don’t worry about that, just beat remaining 5 (put the number first - 5 remaining eggs) eggs into a bowl. C l (This is a typo, I think - delete it) Clean the kitchen floor, or else it will be slippery. Now follow directions carefully. Take your mixer and start beating eggs. Your mixer won’t work? Just try to switch it on. It did no difference? (use made, instead of did - It made no difference?) You probably have to place the blades. (Say 'insert' instead of 'place', or say "put the blades in" instead of place the blades. Also, you might want to say 'beaters' instead of blades) So now you can beat the eggs. When you finish splashing beaten eggs all over the place you will want to have a shower. Wash yourself very well and get the yolk out of your nose. And finally, wash your clothes.

You have three (Earlier you said 5 eggs in the bowl, now 3 - is this intentional? Does this mean the person splashed out 2 eggs?) beaten yolks in the bowl and that's enough to make our apple pie. Now find old newspapers and magazines and paste (I'd use 'cover' instead of paste) the entire kitchen with them. Cover your furniture with some waste blanket (Subject/verb agreement error here - either say 'some waste blankets' or 'a waste blanket) if you don't plan to buy new furniture. Take (Missing a definite article 'the' here) flour package and put about a cup of flour into the bowl. Gather the flour you spilt on a table (forget about the flour scattered on the floor) and put it back to the package. Make sure you’ve pasted (Again, I'd use 'covered' instead of pasted) all the walls and the ceiling in the kitchen properly. Now blend the eggs with the flour.

You need a bath again. Wash all that beaten mixture (Simpler just to use the word 'batter' here instead of 'beaten mixture) off. Take a sharp knife. Well, that's where you need iodine, bandage (either 'a bandage' or 'bandages) and sticking plaster. Peel five apples. Apply iodine to your cuts and bandage your fingers. Stick (Use 'apply' here instead of 'stick' ) the plaster. Now, cut (Again, you're missing the definite article 'the' here) apples. Keep in mind, though, we need two apples for our pie, so feel free to eat the rest of them while cooking. (Consider rewording this sentence slightly. It's gramatically ok, but a bit confusing. I'd say use either one of these two options: (1) Keep in mind, though, we need two apples for our pie, so don't eat all of them. or (2) Keep in mind, we only need 2 apples for our pie, so feel free to eat the rest of them while cooking.) Pick up all apple pieces you dropped on the floor and wash them in running water. Add apples and sugar to the dough. Beat the ingredients. Clean up all those nasty spots on the fridge and windows, or else they will dry up which will make cleaning much harder.

Pour what's left in the bowl in a frying pan (A frying pan is for frying, but you're putting the pan in the oven to bake. I think you mean baking pan.) Forgot to coat your frying pan (baking pan?) with oil? That's ok, just pour the mixture back in the bowl. Now wash the frying pan, (baking pan?) towel it dry and coat with vegetable oil. Wash your hands and again pour the dough in the frying pan. (baking pan?) Place in the oven. If your pie still looks pretty much the same after an hour of baking, check if you turned the heat on. So now the heat is on and you can take a rest. As you wake up suddenly, open all windows, doors and your oven. Bring (Use 'give' or 'make' instead of 'bring'.) your apologies to your neighbors and convince them that there was no fire. Now that you've recovered from all that shock, call your darling and say you gonna make something special for the dinner. Make (Use 'go to' or 'head to/for' instead of 'make') for the store again and buy a cake and a bottle of wine, or even something stiffer. Unpack the cake and put it on the frying pan (Again, use 'baking pan' but you'll need to use the preposition 'in' instead of 'on. - Unpack the cake and put in the baking pan). Greet your darling!

Hi Changeling,

You did a pretty good job with your funny recipe, but I commented on a few minor errors. Feel free to ask for further clarification if my comments don't make sense.

Hope this helps!
Hi Skrej !

I appreciate your help. The only thing I didn't get is why it'd better say "cover" instead of paste. Is that because paste actually means to stick to the walls with glue?. Like paste wall papers? And thank you for that baking pan. I’ve never heard it before, though I used to work in the kitchen . It was in Denali National Park, Alaska
[L]
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Yes, exactly. Paste gives the impression of sticking on with some kind of glue, in a permanent fashion, just like the decorative wallpapers you mention.

As for the baking pan, I suggested baking pan because I was trying to keep the text as close as possible to your original writing. If you were going to actually present the cake, you would probably (but not necessarily) take it out of the pan anyway, onto some kind of plate or platter, instead of serving it out of the same container it was cooked in. But, if you're trying to pretend it's your cake, you might actually put in back in the pan. Emotion: big smile

Also, part of the confusion is that you're originally talking about baking a pie, but then talk about buying a cake. Pies and cakes use different kinds of cookware.

There's a baking sheet (also called a cookie sheet) which is basically flat metal plate, (sometimes there's a slight raised edge, sometimes not) usually used for cookies. These are used in the oven.

A baking pan is deeper (something like 2"-6" deep, depending on the style), it's like a mold you pour the batter in. These are for cakes and breads (although we usually call pans for bread by a separate name, 'bread pans'.) Again, for use in an oven.

A frying pan is like a baking pan, except that it's made of much thicker, heavier metal, and has a long handle off the side for you to hold on to. It's used on top of the stove, over a flame or electric burner, but never in the oven. (Often the handle is wood or plastic, which would burn in the oven). 'Frying' indicates using hot oil to cook the food. Another word for 'frying pan' is 'skillet'.

Finally, in regards to pies, we have another style of bake ware for them, which we usually refer to as 'pie pans' or (sometimes called 'pie dishes'). They're a bit like a baking pan, except they're always circular, and the sides slope out at an angle (baking bans have sides that are straight up and down).

If you want to be more accurate, you could go back and use the word 'pie pan' instead of 'baking pan'.

Hope that help clarify my word choices. Again, I was trying to avoid a total re-write and just keep the text as close as possible to what you'd written, while changing the absolutely necessary errors.

Hope that helps!
It helped a lot! Thanks for your time!!!