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“And so the kingdom had great loss.

Splendid creatures lost to a foolish cause.

A cause that would never succeed.

For how could a creature become its own God?”


Is this better? :


“And so the kingdom had great loss,

splendid creatures lost to a foolish cause.

A cause that would never succeed,

for how could a creature become its own God?”


or perhaps I should leave out the points and commas alltogether...

but this won’t work for the whole story.

Or I have to make it more consistent so that it will.

Comments  
Hanna Ror perhaps I should leave out the points and commas alltogether...

You seem to be writing free verse, breaking lines often, uttering detached snippets, etc. You can put whatever punctuation you like wherever you want, and nobody but you knows what or where that is. When you write poetry, you're on your own.

hm..., but I want to know what reads pleasantly, for a good flow....but indeed it is poetry or close to it.