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What would you change in the following report with regard to grammar, punctuation, or style?

Also, would you change the date format to 'On Thursday, 1 May 2005 at 11:15 am' to minimize the use of commas?

Would you leave the job titles lowercase after the names as I've done?

Thank you.

On Thursday, May 1st, 2005, at 11:15 am, Gus Greenlaw, customer service manager at Stop and Shop Supermarkets, informed me, Harold Miller, human resources director for Stop and Shop Supermarkets, of an alleged incident involving sexual harassment....
Comments  
I would revise it as:

On Thursday, May 1, 2005 at 11:15am, Gus Greenlaw (Customer Service Manager at Stop and Shop Supermarkets) informed me (Harold Miller - Human Resources Director for Stop and Shop) of an alleged incident involving sexual harassment.

I would capitalize the job titles. I also like using parentheses - probably too much but it helps reduce the number of commas. You don't need a comma after the year.