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My boss wants me to include my name in the origin of a report and then wants my construction to be the template for my department. Which one looks better to you? All names, of course, are fictitious. I really need your help with this one. Really critique it, and let me know if you agree with the insertion of all words, including the dates, times, etc. If not, how would you revise it so that it's 100% on the money?

Origin: (PASSIVE)

I, John Doe, Human Resources Department Manager for the Rotunda Corporation, on 6/15/10, at about 6:30 p.m., received information from Jane Doe, Zone Director, that employee Rafael Smith was involved in a domestic dispute at his residence on 6/01/10.
Are the date and time acceptably inserted after 'Rotunda Corporation'? Comma after '6/15/10'?
'for the Rotunda Corporation' or 'of the Rotunda Corporation'?

Origin: (ACTIVE)

On 6/15/10, at about 6:30 p.m., Jane Doe, Zone Director, informed me, John Doe, Human Resources Department Manager for the Rotunda Corporation, that Rotunda employee Rafael Smith was involved in a domestic dispute at his residence on 6/01/10.
Section off job descriptions by commas? Should the date and time start off the 'Origin'?

Jane Doe, Zone Director, informed me, John Doe (Human Resources Department Manager for the Rotunda Corporation) that Rotunda employee Rafael Smith was involved in a domestic dispute at his residence on 6/01/10.
Would you enclose the job descriptions within parentheses?
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Hi Victo:

If it is going to be a template, then perhaps it is best to be in a template report form. Then it is clear what information is expected, and will be consistent. e.g.

Name: John Doe
Position: Human Resources Department Manager
Company: Rotunda Corp.

Information received from: Jane Doe
Information concerning: Rafael Smith
Date/Time: _6:30 p.m. 6/15/2010__________________
Description:


etc.
victo'for the Rotunda Corporation' or 'of the Rotunda Corporation'?
of

By
victoWould you enclose the job descriptions within parentheses?
No.
Comments  
Any takers?
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
 AlpheccaStars's reply was promoted to an answer.
Believe it or not, I presented something similar, but they didn't like it. So which version would you prefer -- the first or the second?

Thank you so much, AlpheccaStars!Emotion: smile
Since they are so picky, why not give them the choice? Either one works well at conveying the information. Stylistically, I personally prefer the first because it seems more direct.
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