Here is mine Letter.You are requested to review it and suggest the changes.Thanks in advnace

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to apply for the master’s progrrme in International Humanitarian Action

My primary objective in writing this statement is to highlight my experiences and background which shaped me as a person who is dedicated to the pursuit of a career in not-for-profit sector as a health professional for the service of humanity. This is the programme which will groom me as state of art humanitarian medical aid professional with a solid experience and background of medical with recent my post graduation education in public health.

I grew up in a small town of X(country). I completed my higher school with biology, chemistry, and physics and earned my bachelor with major in economics. I moved to X(city) for my medical education. I moved back to my town after graduation and my house job. I worked as medical doctor about 19 month. I have been accepted to MPH program in X(Country). This journey from a small town of a developing country to the one of the most developed country has given me the intellectual capabilities, emotional maturity, and dedication that I will bring to the programme.

The experience of living in such sharp contrast to my life in X (city),X(country), has given me a broader view of the world and the ability to adapt to a different culture which every international student must possess.

Since my teenage I always find it interesting to work for the suffered people. I joined Leo club, sponsored program by Lions International. Since then I worked for different NGOs e.g eye camps, blood bank, fundraising for the cancer patient etc. I worked as a part of team during my community work and led a team of editorial board of student college magazine. I also served as elected class representative in the second year of medical college. These volunteer works groomed my organization and management skills. I always enjoyed my volunteer work. This kind of work always gives me satisfaction and feeling that I am contributing to decrease sufferings of humanity. This wonderful experience prompted me to pursue medical profession where I can serve the people in more effective way.

I graduated as medical doctor and started my work as medical officer /in charge of Basic Health Unit in rural area of district X. The exciting thing of my job was that I was not only working as medical doctor in the area but it also involved supervision , surveillance, monitoring, reporting of public health activities as well as recruiting, training and teaching of lady health workers. Later on, I decided to pursue my master in public health.

When I took my master in public health at X(city), X (country), I was not sure how interesting this post graduation would be for me. However, as I proceeded with my master, increased my level of confidence in my abilities of analysis of disease pattern and data base, recognition of potential risk , planning and timely action. I gained more exposure to administration aspect of health. Furthermore I gained more exposure to research while writing my thesis and summer work in biochemistry laboratory. My medical background helps me to grasp the subjects quickly. My MPH program was a good matched of my varied interests.

Now I would like to focus on a Master programme which offers a wide range of subjects with major in Public health in Humanitarian Aid and internship as a part of program, which will let me broaden my interests in International Humanitarian Action.

Most of not profit sector lack well trained local professional to run the projects in developing country especially in present senior. My training at the programme will provide them a reliable professional trained and aware of their need and standards of work. This will also increase my chances to get job higher and perform well .

I hope that, on consideration of my application, you will be persuaded of my potential to perform well in the programme..
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akb,

I had a quick look at your letter.

By reading your accomplishments, I know that you are a smart person. So obviously English is a second language for you.

To be honest, your letter requires a fair amount of work. I can't simply say change this and change that. Instead, your letter requires a fairly extensive amount of rewriting.

Have you taken the TOEFL exam which measures English proficiency? Is your score sufficiently high?

The problem with these motivation letters is that they are supposed to be written by the person making the application, not by a third party.

If I could give some generic advice, it would be this:

1) Be careful with your spelling. Use a spell checker.

2) Be very focused in your message.

I think the reason you have not received much feedback is because you require an extensive amount of assistance. And this letter should be written by you alone.

Is there anyone that can help you locally? Can you sit and meet with someone to discuss and revise your letter?

MountainHiker
Hi,

Thanks for your response.I really apprecaite it.
Yes I took TOEFL with CBT 227.Although it is not good enough but you can say it average.
First of all about spellings.My spelling may be wrong as I use spell check with American English on some words I use english is british one.
Secondly apart frome spelling the conent of letter you think is not appropiate one!!
If you give me one example that would help me in rewriting.
I am new in city so there are very less chances that I will get some help localy thats why I ask for the help? But as you said it need extensive rewriting then definately I have to find someone to help me.I do not havemuch hope in this regard.
Anyway thanks
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Hi,
Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to apply for the master’s progrrme in International Humanitarian Action

My primary objective in writing this statement is to highlight my experiences and background which shaped me as a person who is dedicated to the pursuit of a career in not-for-profit sector as a health professional for the service of humanity. This is the programme which will groom me as state of art humanitarian medical aid professional with a solid experience and background of medical with recent my post graduation education in public health.

I grew up in a small town of X(country). I completed my higher school with biology, chemistry, and physics and earned my bachelor with major in economics. I moved to X(city) for my medical education. I moved back to my town after graduation and my house job. I worked as medical doctor about 19 month. I have been accepted to MPH program in X(Country). This journey from a small town of a developing country to the one of the most developed country has given me the intellectual capabilities, emotional maturity, and dedication that I will bring to the programme.


Dear Sir or Madam:

I am applying for the master’s programme in International Humanitarian Action.

I will highlight my relevant knowledge, skills, and experience that qualifies me for admission to your programme. Upon graduation, I will return to the not-for-profit sector as a health professional with a solid background and extensive contacts in blah blah blah blah.

:::I grew up in a small town of X(country). I completed my higher school with biology, chemistry, and physics and earned my bachelor with major in economics. I moved to X(city) for my medical education. I moved back to my town after graduation and my house job. I worked as medical doctor about 19 month. I have been accepted to MPH program in X(Country). This journey from a small town of a developing country to the one of the most developed country has given me the intellectual capabilities, emotional maturity, and dedication that I will bring to the programme.:::

I would shy away from telling them your life story. Instead, focus only on those activities which are important to your admission and longer term goals. In my view, it is your being a doctor that is important. Surely being a doctor, you matured and developed your "intellectual capabilities, emotional maturity, and dedication"? I would not mention "intellectual capabilities" as you were required to be smart to become a doctor? I would focus on "maturity" (though not on the emotional aspect, because that almost implies that you were emotionally immature prior to being a doctor). I would also focus on dedication, empathy, and all that other stuff.

Anyway, you can see there were some small typos that needed correcting (programme) and you need to have a tighter focus and structure to your letter.

I hope this helps.

MountainHiker
Dear MountainHiker,

Thanks for your tips those are really helpful in rewrite rest of it. Now I got some idea. I shall try to find some local help also. Also I am going through some sample letters to rewrite in better way.
Once again thanks
akb,

Yes, I am sorry I can't help you further. I am sure it is frustrating to have to seek out additional resources.

I can't in all honesty write your letter for you. I am sure that your university wants this letter to be your creation. If I "get in there" and start using my words and my style, then it becomes my letter and not yours.

If you meet with someone else and they can assist you, then that is much better. That way, you can provide your thoughts and the two of you can debate the structure and style.

That said, if you have a problem sentence or two, I will try to assist as much as I can.

I wish you the best of luck.

MountainHiker
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Hi,
I need to review this sentense.Does this sentense make sense
Being a citizen from developing country, I hope it will be an advantage in gaining a job with growth potential.
here with growth poetntial I mean that has chances of more rapid promotion with margin of performance
Hi akb,

"Being a citizen from developing country, I hope it will be an advantage in gaining a job with growth potential."

I would change it. As it stands, you want to gain extra credentials so you have a better job, right?

Rather than saying it that way, I would shift the emphasis.

Living in a developing country, we need those who have skills in XYZ to address ABC issues/problems/concerns blah blah. (In other words, by getting my skills, I will supply a solution to a need and hopefully get a better job. But now the emphasis is on helping the country as opposed to helping yourself. It just "sounds better".)

Hope that helps.

MountainHiker
HI MountainHiker,

Excllent.You got my point and you hike very well.
Thanks
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