Hi everyone. This is the first time I write an essay. So please help me review it. Thank you so so much.
" In the past, most people used to travel to their place of work. With increased use of computers, the internet and smartphones, more and more people are starting to work from home. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?"
My esssay:
"In recent years, more and more people have chosen to work from home instead of travelling to their place of work. While it is beneficial in many aspects, there are some problems associated with this trend.On the one hand, working from home brings a lot of upsides to us. First, when we work from home, we can save the travel time and use that time to rest. Additionally, because we don’t need to travel to our place of work, it helps us to avoid the traffic accidents which are possible to happen to us on our way to work or on our way home from work. Another benefit of working from home is it can make us feel more comfortable. We do not need to think about which outfit we will wear to go to work every day, or worry about whether our colleagues talk about us behind our backs. So we can be in a good mood to do our good job.On the other hand, the convenience of working from home comes at a cost. For example, when working from home without any supervision from other people, those people who lack self-control are likely to be distracted by nonsense things, such as: smartphones, social media, etc. This can reduce their productivity. In addition, when we work from home, we can have less chances to develop some skills like: teamwork skills, communication skills, leadership, etc, which are very important to our work. As a result, we are not able to become the best versions of ourselves and we can even lose our chance to have a better job in the future.In conclusion, working from home can help us to save travel time, avoid traffic accidents as well as feel more comfortable. However, it also can lead to low productivity and lack some necessary skills for our work".
You need to write in clear paragraphs. Put a blank line between each paragraph.
Thank you so much
" In the past, most people used to travel to their place of work. With increased use of computers, the internet and smartphones, more and more people are starting to work from home. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?"
My essay:
"In recent years, more and more people have chosen to work from home instead of travelling to their place of work. While it is beneficial in many aspects, there are some problems associated with this trend.
On the one hand, working from home brings a lot of upsides to us. First, when we work from home, we can save the travel time and use that time to rest. Additionally, because we don’t need to travel to our place of work, it helps us to avoid the traffic accidents which are possible to happen to us on our way to work or on our way home from work. Another benefit of working from home is it can make us feel more comfortable. We do not need to think about which outfit we will wear to go to work every day, or worry about whether our colleagues talk about us behind our backs. So we can be in a good mood to do our good job.
On the other hand, the convenience of working from home comes at a cost. For example, when working from home without any supervision from other people, those people who lack self-control are likely to be distracted by nonsense things, such as: smartphones and social media. This can reduce their productivity. In addition, when we work from home, we can have less chances to develop some skills like: teamwork skills, communication skills and leadership, which are very important to our work. As a result, we are not able to become the best versions of ourselves and we can even lose our chance to have a better job in the future.
In conclusion, working from home can help us to save travel time, avoid traffic accidents as well as feel more comfortable. However, it also can lead to low productivity and lack some necessary skills for our work".
P/s: Please give me some feedback. Thank you so much for your help :*
In recent years, more and more people have chosen to work from home instead of travelling to their place of work. While it is beneficial in many aspects, there are some problems associated with this trend.
On the one hand, working from home brings a lot of benefits upsides (wrong usage. "Bring upsides" is not a valid collocation. "bring benefits" / has upsides ) to us. First, when we work from home, we can save the travel time and use that time to rest. Additionally, because we don’t (Do not use contractions in formal writing.) need to travel to our place of work, it helps us to avoid the traffic accidents which are possible to happen to us on our way to work or on our way home from work. Another benefit of working from home is it can make us feel more comfortable. We do not need to think about which outfit we will wear to go to work every day, or worry about whether our colleagues talk about us behind our backs. So we can be in a good mood to do our good job.
On the other hand, the convenience of working from home comes at a cost. For example, when working from home without any supervision from other people, those people who lack self-control are likely to be distracted by nonsense things, such as: smartphones and social media. This can reduce their productivity. In addition, when we work from home, we can have less chances to develop certain some skills like: teamworking skills, effective communication skills and leadership, which are very important for advancements and promotions to our work. As a result, we are not able less likely to achieve our career goals. become the best versions of ourselves (That is not appropriate.) and we can even lose our chance to have a better job in the future.
In conclusion, working from home can help us to save travel time, avoid traffic accidents as well as feel more comfortable. However, it also can lead to low productivity and the lack of some necessary skills for our work.
Thank you so much 
. I'm grateful for your help. Wish you have a nice day! ^^