Hi everyone, I'm practising to write the body of an essay. Please help me review it. Thank you so much.
"What are the advantages and disadvantages of social media. Write 2 paragraphs - 250 words"
My answer:
" On the one hand, there are many benefits when we have social media. First, social media allows users from around the world to be able to connect with each other easily. By creating an account, we can chat and make friends online with other people who have the same interests, even when we have not ever met them in person yet. This could make our life more joyful and more interesting, especially for introverts who often don’t have many friends in real life and tend to feel nervous on face-to-face communication.
Another upside of social media is that it gives us the chance to make money. For instance, one of the most popular social media platforms allowing users to earn money online is Youtube. What we need to do is create a youtube channel and upload videos. If these videos get high views, we will get paid. In addition, we can also earn money by selling online on Facebook. Because of being the most used social media platform at the moment, Facebook helps sellers to be able to connect with more buyers, so the items could be sold faster. Moreover, selling online helps sellers save cost since they don’t need to open a shop, which is more convenient than traditional selling.On the other hand, social media also has a lot of drawbacks. First, overusing social media could distract us from real life. Nowadays, many of us feel stressed and tired in real life. Therefore, most of us tend to find another thing more joyful and more attractive to help us kick back, for example: social media, namely Facebook, Youtube, Instagram, TikTok, etc. When using these social media platforms, we are in a virtual life where users can connect with each other easily. And the more time we waste on living in virtual life, the more likely it makes us disconnected with our real life. This could make us feel empty and do not know what to do with our life. If the situation continues, it could lead to some mental illness, such as depression.Second, social media causes verbal abuse to become more popular. It is easy to send toxic messages and comments to other people so as to demean their character or body shaming on purpose, which has negative impacts on their mental health. In fact, many celebrities who are victims of verbal abuse on social media killed themself. So it is a really major problem on social media nowadays".
Hi Linhgau,
Where is the rest of the essay (introduction and conclusion)?
Hi. Thank you so much for your question:). Honestly, this is my homework and the first time I write an essay, so my teacher only required me to write the body:) But then maybe he's busy and he doesn't have time to correct my answer:(. So I posted it here 
Hope you to help me. Thank you ^-^
On the one hand, there are social media has many benefits. when we have social media. First, social media it allows users from around the world to be able to connect with each other easily. By creating an account, we People can chat and make friends online with other people who have the same interests, even when we have not without ever meeting them in person. yet. This could makes our life more joyful pleasant and more interesting, especially for introverts who often don’t [ 1] do not have many friends in real life and tend to feel nervous on with face-to-face communication.
Another upside advantage of social media is that it gives us the chance to make money. For instance, one of the most popular social media platforms, allowing users to earn money online is YouTube, enables people to make money if . What we need to do is create a youtube channel and upload videos. If these their videos get high views. , we will get paid. In addition, we can also earn money by selling online on Facebook, people can also earn money. Because of being the most used social media platform at the moment, Facebook helps sellers to be able to connect with more buyers, so the items could be sold faster. Moreover, selling online helps sellers save cost since they don’t need to open a shop, which is more convenient than traditional selling.
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[ 1]: Do not use contractions in formal writing.
Also, 250 words is too much for two body paragraphs. In IELTS task 2, the entire essay should be around that long. Therefore, I suggest you revise your second body paragraph and shorten it down to around 100 words. And while you're at it, try writing an introduction and a conclusion for your essay too.
Take a look at my replies in the following threads to learn about essay structure.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayAgreeDisagreeYoungEnjoyLife-Older/bjnlwx/post.htm
https://www.englishforums.com/English/CanAnyoneCheckEssay/bwpzmg/post.htm
Revise your essay and post the new version below.
Hello Linhgau;
The most important thing is to follow the instructions. If you do not follow instructions, your score will be disappointing.
Here the instructions are:
Discuss this topic: advantages and disadvantages of social media
1. write two (body) paragraphs.
2. write about 250 words.
For #1, your paragraphs are not clearly separated. I cannot say exactly how many there are, but I believe you have written 4, not 2.
You get a low score for paragraphs.
For number 2, well, you wrote over 400 words. That is not good.
There are some small problems with the text.
On the one hand, there are many benefits when we use have social media. First, social media allows (You started with the pronoun "we." For consistency, you should keep using the first person - I, me, we, us - do not switch to you or they.) us users from around the world to be able to connect with each other easily, no matter where we live. By creating an account, we can chat and make friends online with other people who have the same interests, even when we have not ever met them in person yet. This could make our life more joyful and more interesting, especially for introverts who often don’t (In formal writing, do not use contractions. ) do not have many friends in real life and tend to feel nervous communicating on face-to-face communication.
Another upside of social media is that it gives us the chance to make money. For instance, one of the most popular social media platforms allowing users to earn money online is YouTube. What we need to do is create a YouTube channel and upload videos. If these videos get a high number of high views, we will get paid. In addition, we can also earn money by selling items online on Facebook. Because of being the most used social media platform at the moment, Facebook helps sellers to be able to connect with more buyers, so the items could be sold faster. Moreover, selling online helps sellers save cost since they don’t need to open a shop, which is more convenient than traditional selling.On the other hand, (You missed a blank line to separate paragraphs.)
On the other hand, social media also has a lot of drawbacks. First, overusing social media could distract us from real life. Nowadays, many of us feel stressed and tired in real life. Therefore, most of us tend to find activities that are another thing more joyful and more attractive to help us relax kick back, for example: social media, namely Facebook, Youtube, Instagram, and TikTok, etc. (Do not use "..." or "etc." or phrases such as "and so on" in formal essays. They are incomplete ideas. It is not good to force your reader to finish your idea in their own mind. You are just giving examples, not an exhaustive list. Just write a grammatical series. ) When using these social media platforms, we are in a virtual life where we users can connect with each other easily. (You are repeating this same idea. Avoid repetition.) And the more time we waste on living in an imaginary world, virtual life, the more likely it makes us disconnected with the actual world around us. our real life. This could make us feel empty, and do not knowing what to do or how to deal with problems. with our life. If the situation continues, it could lead to some mental illness, such as depression.Second, social media allows causes verbal abuse to become more widespread / common. popular. (Popular means that people like it. People do not usually like this.) It is easy to send toxic messages and comments to other people so as to demean their character or make fun of their appearance. or body shaming on purpose, which That insensitive behavior has negative impacts on their mental health. In fact, many celebrities who are were victims of relentless verbal abuse on social media killed themselves. So it is a really major problem on social media nowadays.
Thank you so so much for your comment and your advise. It is very useful. Because of my poor English, I can't express my gratefulness too much. But I really appreciate your help. Thank youuuuu
Thank you sincerely for your comment and your advise. Because of my poor English, I can't express my feeling too much, but I really appreciate your help. I will try correcting my mistakes. Thank youuu ^-^