+0

Excersie:
We are getting less than 40 hours of work from a large number of our K.C.-based EMPLOYEES. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8 A.M.; likewise at 5 P.M. As managers-you either do not know what your EMPLOYEES are doing; or you do not CARE. You have created expectations on the work effort that allowed this to happen inside Cerner, creating a very unhealthy environment. In either case, you have a problem and you will fix it or I will replace you. NEVER in my career have I allowed a team that worked for me to think they had a 40-hour job. I have allowed YOU to create a culture that is permitting this. NO LONGER.

Rewrite the email using You view point to make this email positive & constructive.

My article: rewrite the above exercise

Dear manager,
I am writing this email to solve your problem. Our large company must get 40 hours of work. However, we are getting less than it of our K.C.-based Employees. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8 A.M; likewise at 5 P.M.


Did this problem happen because you have too much work, your employees have a problem with our company or you have personal trouble? May you tell me the cause?

Consequently, the overall quality of work will be adversely affected for our company by that. That has created expectations on the work effort that allowed this to happen inside Cerner, creating a very unhealthy environment. The advice i give you is that you should use a checklist to guarantee for all steps and control of the work. Besides that you also find other methods to solve it.

Moreover, you are a manager who has an important role, so i have to issue an official report to warn that if you do it the second time i will be forced to replace you.

Finally, I am looking forward to seeing a blueprint and significant improvements.
Sincerely,
Tran Thuy
Chief Executive Officer
Cerner Corporation

+1

Please post essays, paragraphs, dialogues and other writing in the essay forum so a moderator does not have to move your post.
https://www.englishforums.com/English/EssayReportCompositionWriting/Forum9.htm

Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line.
Put it with your answer in the message body.

Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Message body:

Instructions:

This is an email message sent by a CEO to 400 company managers at a high-tech company called Cerner.

Rewrite the email to make this email positive & constructive.

We are getting less than 40 hours of work from a large number of our K.C.-based EMPLOYEES. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8 A.M.; likewise at 5 P.M. As managers-you either do not know what your EMPLOYEES are doing; or you do not CARE. You have created expectations on the work effort that allowed this to happen inside Cerner, creating a very unhealthy environment. In either case, you have a problem and you will fix it or I will replace you. NEVER in my career have I allowed a team that worked for me to think they had a 40-hour job. I have allowed YOU to create a culture that is permitting this. NO LONGER.

My answer:

(Your text here...)
---------------------

+1

Dear manager, (The original email was sent to 400 people. Which manager are you choosing?)
I am writing this email to solve your problem. (That is impolite. You have not even described the problem.) Our large company must get 40 hours of work. (A total of 40 hours from all the employees?) However, we are getting less than it of our K.C.-based Employees. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8 A.M; likewise at 5 P.M.

(That is impolite also.)


Did this problem happen because you have too much work, your employees have a problem with our company or you have personal trouble? May you tell me the cause?

(You are asking permission. That is unnatural in English.)

Consequently, the overall quality of work will be (The problem is the present, not the future.) adversely affected for our company by that. That has created expectations on the work effort that allowed this to happen inside Cerner, creating a very unhealthy environment. The advice i give (Invalid word. "i" is a letter of the alphabet. It is not a person.) you is that you should use a checklist to guarantee for all steps and control of the work. Besides that you must / should / could also find other methods to solve it.

Moreover, you are a manager who has an important role, so i have to issue an official report to warn that if you do it the second time i will be forced to replace you.
(That is not polite either.)
Finally, I am looking forward to seeing a blueprint (wrong word) and significant improvements.
Sincerely,
Tran Thuy
Chief Executive Officer
Cerner Corporation



Your letter is not much better than the original. It is neither positive nor constructive. It has threats and besides, texting shortcuts which is inappropriate for a business email. At least you did not write in ALL-CAPS!


Sample letter:

Dear colleagues,

One of my responsibilities, as well as yours, is to grow the company and increase the satisfaction level of the customers as well as the employees. Happy employees are productive employees. However, it has recently come to my attention that there is a morale issue in K.C, and many of our workers are not putting in a full 40-hour work week. The production of the product line of high-tech exercise equipment, which is done at K.C., has not been keeping up with the competition and our ratings on Amazon are less than they were last year.

We need to take action together to reverse this situation. I would like you to arrange a survey of all employees to determine how many hours they are working, and if they are not working full-time, what can be done. Perhaps they want to have more flexible work hours to avoid the traffic jams, or work some of their hours remotely. In addition, they may have suggestions to improve the manufacturing line to make it more efficient and productive. We hire only the top graduates, and I am sure that they are dedicated to making our company the best in a very competitive business.

I have scheduled a virtual team meeting for next Monday at 4 PM. I expect you to attend and be prepared with ideas. I think that we can organize small teams to attack this problem, improve the morale, and give the company a big boost!