I started going to college late, but now I am attending UCLA, a famous university. I want to remain a virgin until I find my one and true love, but she must also be a virgin. No one that I know is a virgin, and if I tell someone, they will make fun of me here at this campus. Recently, the college has even hired a RV to come to the main campus plaza on the first day of the month to do HIV testing, and hundreds of people line up to get tested. Those who get tested also get a black t-shirt that says, "Knowledge Is Power." Although that this message is intended to encourage more people to get tested, I know many people, esp. guys, were it as a sign of pride that they have had sex. The t-shirt puts down any one who has not had sex and wants to wait for marriage. I have also begun therapy sessions and take medication for depression because I keep getting bothered by the thoughts that I am going to be too late and too old by the time that I finish my studies and post-graduate school to get married and have my first sexual encounter. Something tells me that I will not even be able to meet a virgin by the time that I am finished with my studies who is no more that five years younger than I am. And virginity counts a lot to me: Having sex with a virgin as a virgin is a very bonding experience, and it can only come once in a life time. I can rely on my family assets to get married and still go to school, but I don't know how to meet someone who is a virgin and is willing to stay a virgin until marriage or would be willing to marry me while I am going to college. So my childhood dream's for a normal, romantic, and perfect married life is being shattered in my mind and I sadness is overwhelming me. I have even come to hate God for bringing me to life in this way that has put me in such a situation. Often, I wish he had made me like an android, so I would not have the intense sexual desires that I have bother me so much. But I know that I rather die a virgin than to have sex with someone who is not going to be my wife and who is not a virgin herself. Virginity of that other someone is very important to me: She must be willing to wait for me like I am willing to wait for her. But what can I do about getting depressed? How can I meet someone who is a virgin (I don't care about their religious or ethnic background) and would be willing to start a nonsexual relationship with me until marriage within the near future, even while I am attending college?
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Hi Shahriar, welcome to the English Forums.
Now I realize why you Iranian guys come back home to marry an Iranian girl. However, it's interesting that unlike most of them you chose to have a non-sexual life yourself. Thank goodness.
I'm still wondering why on earth you do not want to have sex before marriage. Haven't you ever have a girl friend? When 2 people like each other a lot, and they feel commited to each other, it's like an unofficial marrige, at least to me. So, it's ok to have sex.
I think you'd better to change your attitude, since even in Iran it's really difficult to find a virgin! But who knows, you may find your soul mate tomorrow and get married afterwards.
Just tell me Shahriyar, if you see someone so perfect (just suppose) that you can't find anyone more proper, will you ignore her just on a virginity issue? It's not fair. May be she has some acceptable answers. Just wanna say do not insist on this issue, it is not that important comparing to other charecteristics of a person. Of course sex is an important part of marriage, but when you love someone, you love her for the person she is now, not the person she used to be. Just remember this. Hope everything goes well with your life,

I am sorry, but you are mistaken on many issues. First, I am not Iranian (my parents are) because I am a US citizen. Second, I cannot go to Iran because I am not even a Muslim. And if one is not a Muslim, a lot of trouble awaits you if you go to that country. Third, if the other person loves me, why can't she lose her virginity to me, as I will to her? I don't like the idea of competing with others' past sexual partners, esp. since I have been hinted by "others" whom I found out were not virgins that I would be competing with their past partners. Believe me, it's true. (By the way, I am a virgin.)

Additionally, having sex with someone who is not willing to be your wife, especially if you are a virgin, brings thoughts that you are having sex with their former sex partners--at least this is the way I feel. And that is a sexual turn off for me. Do not be a hypocrite: I know that many of you guys also feel that way, but you defeat such thoughts by saying to yourselves, "Well, I have done it with others too."

And besides, if there is no sexual turnoff for a virgin guy to have sex with a non-virgin girl, then why is it that when so many of you guys go to the restroom to urinate, you don't like to put your hand on the lever to flush it? By the way, I do flush, but I am trying to demonstrate to you who are ridiculing me whether you feel bad about flushing the urine bowl in a public restroom because you think that you will come in contact with some one else's semen and find that disgusting, or subconsciously that's a sexual turn off to you. But then, you have no problem having sex with some one who has had another male's (or males') semen poured all over her vagina? I am mentioning this to show those of you who are ridiculing me that some of you may be hypocrites. So think it over. Nevertheless, my reasons for not wanting to have sex with a non-virgin is not fearing disease or coming in contact with others' semen. My reasons are out of a desire for the perfect romance, to experience a real Cinderella story, and being worthy of her patience and virginity.

You also mentioned that "it's hard to find a virgin even in Iran." But that's not correct. I know that the price for premarital sex is death in that Islamic country, and in some areas, it's death by stoning. I don't support the idea of putting to death people who choose to have a different lifestyle, and I know that having premarital sex is a practical approach to life for many people. As long as they are informed and happy about their choices, I am happy for them too. I respect others' choices, but I want others to respect mine too. Please let's not condemn each others' choices. I know that currently even in the US, not everyone chooses to lose their virginity before marriage. Certainly, up until the beginning of the 2nd half of the 20th century, most people in the US were also giving their virginity on a post-marriage basis.

Yes, I have been given the opportunity to have sex while I was going to high school here, but I turned it down because I was not ready for marriage then. I wish puberty and the joy of teen youth and looks could be biologically delayed until one is ready for marriage, but God or evolution did not choose that for us. If it comes to having to grow old as a virgin than to compromise on the decision that I made as a teen going to high school here to stay a virgin for marriage, I would rather die a virgin. I value my virginity that much. But I rather not have to make that decision. Just as there are people who are willing to get married as non-virgins and live happily ever after, I wish the world "around" me would be diverse enough to have room for my dreams to come true on my terms so that I don't have to compromise on the decisions that I became resolute since becoming a teenager and finding out about sex here in the US. That one and special loving person who loves me and is willing to give me her virginity and take mine may exist, but how do I find her before I am too old? How do I find "you" while I am young, and even better, while I am going to college?

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Hi Shahriar,
I didn't mean to condemn your lifestyle, I really apologize if I caused such a feeling. I just wanna tell you that if you reconsider your choices, you would suffer less. Obviously, this is not going to be a choice. I do not have much to say to you, since I think differently. I'm going out now, I'll think it over and try to write something with from your prespective.
BTW: I'm a happily married female, so those were written from a feminine point of view. I hope that this doesn't stop you to continue your thread. If you are uncomfortable by my presence, I won't even read yours. So, please feel free to write whatever you want.
Take care,
I always welcome different opinions and perspectives, and remember I came on this forum to get advice, opinions, and comments from people of different background. Who knows: Maybe someone will have the right solution to my predicament. In fact, because you are a married female, your life's situations even advances our discussion on this subject. Thanks for responding, and all are welcome to comment.
Dear shahriar

I have read with a lot of interest your previous threads on the subject. I have a different point of view about this subject, and maybe about life in general, because marriage doesn't have to me a sacred connotation; i mean by that that I can live my all life with someone I love without being married. To me, commitment, respect, faithfulness and happiness in a relationship can exist without being married. And sex can also be part of this relationship.
Marriage is a formal and official recognition of the relationship between two persons, nothing more. Nothing else change except the official status. Commitmants and values remain the same between these two persons, so why should they wait for this day for having sex? Before getting married, people often share their lives together during a couple of years, so I don't see why sex couldn't be part of their lives.
I guess it may be part of the education and values people get in their childhood. I totally respect and admire in a way your point of view Shahriar, but it seems to torture you a lot. Have you met other people sharing the same lifestyle?
Anyway, being in an occidental country makes it difficult for you, where teenagers tend to have sex younger and without much consideration.
Finally, you shouldn't consider past sex intercourses like a competition with previous boy or girlfriends. you know, you may encounter someone great, sharing the same interests as you, but who, unfortunately, may appear to already have lost her virginity. Some things that appear in the past shouldn't have such importance in the present.
I wish you happiness and hope you will find reconfort about this issue.
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This sort of belief often (not always but I would say usually) ties in with a strong religious belief. So there you are, start going to a place of worship for whatever religion you follow, and you are more likely to find someone with the same belief. If you have no religion, then you are going to have a bit more of a problem finding a like-minded woman...
Back in the days when they didn't have paper or much government institutions, when two people became adolescents, i.e., their sex drive turned on, as soon as the male learned a trade, he (a teenager himself) would start a married life with a girl in her young teens. This marriage act may have involved some tribal recognition. However, if they lived in isolated areas, the act of just coming together and living together would constitute marriage without any formal recognitions or parties to celebrate it--not everyone is rich even these days in poorer countries to throw a wedding. Amandine, you are correct that marriage is just a formality to what is already there for many people. I think, however, that not even a wedding or the signing of a paper contract is the real recognition of a life-long union between a man and a woman that love each other. I take the act of sex to be the natural recognition of their union, and all couples, rich or poor, in any part of the world can and do eventually have sex. Their first time is day one of their official union. This philosophy tends to be practical with what couples have done for marital status throughout recorded history including the relationships among people in western countries. It's more practical to call the first sexual encounter between a man and a woman day one of their union because (assuming they have not applied for formal governmental recognition) they can get out of it much easier and sometimes at a moments notice if their relationship does not work out.

I know that many people cannot rely on the western biblical ways of getting recognition for their union because too many times these relationships breakdown for various reasons such as infidelity, domestic violence, different attitudes and expectations of life, etc. Therefore, let's recognize a couple’s first sexual encounter to be their real first day of marriage--regardless of whether it was just a one night stand, teen sex, or sex between two people who really love each other and are past their teens. However, instead of calling it marriage, which carries so much governmental formalities and burdens, society chooses to call it a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. The two partners may not often live together all the time as is the case between teenage couples because their parents are often willing to pay for their expenses which they cannot afford. Sometimes, they love each other enough and have so many things in common that their relationship does last past their teens and even their college days, and it will eventually end up in a formal marriage. The formal marriage, i.e., the wedding and the marriage certificate, is nothing more than governmental formality confirming what is already there: love, attraction, respect, and mutual interest. Amandine, this way of establishing a relationship is perfectly fine. Documents and ceremonies are not necessary to confirm a love relationship between two people.

But notice that if you consider a relationship an informal marriage that has its consummation in the first sexual encounter, then the breakup of the relationship is the first informal divorce (a.k.a. breakup of the relationship) that the two former partners experience for the first time in their lives. This way of defining relationships should hold regardless of age--teenage or passed the 20th birthday.

Teens or young officially unmarried couples that have engaged in unofficial relationships have done nothing wrong. First, most people in the past married as teenagers, especially since life expectancy was short. Additionally, teenage girls were usually the new moms in the past because, in the past, post-secondary or even primary education did not exist. What should a teen girl do: just sit home and get older in her father's home or get married? Well modern times have brought about the educational institutions that teens utilize to gain more skills to be more productive, but their evolutionary history has not made any adjustments to change the time of puberty. So people make the best of it in the western world: they engage in unofficial marriages beginning in their teens. Remember that I said it is not a real relationship until their first sexual encounter. And until they find the right match they go through many relationships (i.e., unofficial marriages) and breakups (i.e., unofficial divorces). I hope that they all find the right person that suits them best: the man or the woman of their dreams.

Nonetheless, I am a jealous man. I did not refuse sexual offers in high school because I did not want sex or that I did not want a relationship or a love life. I also did not refuse past sexual offers because somehow I was planning on having my first sexual encounter with someone who has had other partners. I did not choose what I chose because I wanted her to be “experienced” (i.e., a non-virgin, an adult) and I be an “innocent child” (a virgin). During the course of our evolutionary history, selective events have tended to favor men that paid more attention about whether it was their genes that were being passed on to the next generation. Therefore, men tend to have (ok in my opinion at least) more biological inclinations toward jealousy. I told you in my previous posts that this male jealousy is universal To justify my assertion, I mentioned that many men get disgusted about flushing the urine bowl since they know that touching the lever brings their hands in contact with other men's urine, sperm, and semen. That idea tends to bother many of them, so they refuse to flush. But when it comes to sex, they defeat the wrath of their jealousy (biologically based or otherwise) and the images that are conjured up by the knowledge that their partner has been penetrated and enjoyed by other men by the thought that "I have done it with others too." Otherwise, why do they want to put their penises in a vagina that has had the sperm and semen of others poured all over it when they are not willing even to touch the lever of a urine bowl in a public restroom? And there are so many of you guys!!! (I do flush and do not suffer from the sexual thoughts when flushing or the obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) that ails some of you.)

I have brought forth reasons to justify the relationships that teens and young couples get involved these days. From my reasoning, I hope that there is less condemnation of a young girl who gets pregnant and that the guy is encouraged to marry and love her for life because she is doing him a favor by being burdened with his child. If the guy is a coward and bails on her, society should force him to pay child support at least after his 18th birthday or face serious jail time.

Amandine, I told you about my jealous nature. I guess in this world when I say that I want to fall in love with someone who is a virgin, I mean to say I want to fall in love with someone who, in addition to being caring and loving, has had the same ideas and desires as I do: to delay the "unofficial marriages and divorces" for later. In other words, I want to find someone who has the same sexual status as I do: virgin. If that is too much to ask, then I am not fit for any relationships, and I have realized that and I will accept that. The thoughts that I am a loser because I hit a dead end (i.e., I refused the sexual offers in the past only to settle down for less than what I had planned as a child and a young teen) bother my conscience greatly. I rather stay a virgin for life. I know that for me love and virginity have to come together because I am a jealously virgin man; I cannot compromise on this point regardless of the consequences. I told you what is on my mind and how I have come about to this way of thinking for which I am resolute. My choice is both instinctive and personal. Nevertheless, I don't want to stay alone and a virgin for the rest of my life, but no one around me that I know fits the criteria that I want. For me, finding someone that is a match seems to get more and more difficult if it isn't impossible already.
Religion will not help me since my affiliation with my religion is only nominal. Thanks for the advice.
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