This is an essay I would need to submit fro a scholarship application.

Could someone please review it for me? Any critisms are welcome. Sentence construction, english, content etc

In 500 words, demonstrate

-your financial need

- your academic ability and potential.

- why you think you should get the scholarship

- how you meet any specific requirements listed (well..I am from commonwealth country studying PhD and I need money.)

I believe there are many ways for one to live life to the fullest. For me, it is to keep exploring the world and never stop learning from what is exposed to me. Naturally, I wanted to be placed abroad to absorb new knowledge from a different cultural perspective. I have chosen Uni X because its unrivalled academic environment has all to offer me to develop as a well-rounded professional in the field I would like to explore.

I had always wanted to pursue a career in research and this makes the PhD study in an accredited scientific institution an absolute necessity for me. However, my family are struggling with the current exigencies of my prospective education at Uni X. At present, my father is burdened with the reduction in income and a physically demanding job in which he plans to retire soon due to the limits of his age. The financial crisis in 1997 and again in 2008 had also tremendously distressed my family which till now we still are struggling to recover from. I had previously involved myself in several part-time jobs during my time as a student in order to lessen the situation. Though I had gained numerous invaluable experiences from these work activities, I struggled to focus on my studies and my grades started to waver. Upon my graduation, alongside the fact of lacking the required financial strength, I was forced to give up my chance to proceed with further education required in becoming a researcher. I did not forget about my goals and enthusiasms nonetheless along the path. After working as a laboratory technician for over a year, I took up a private loan from a kind relative to continue my studies at the University ABC. I once again made myself focus back into my educational pursuits and subsequently succeeded in obtaining a distinction in my Master’s degree in Neurogenetics.

To further consummate my goal, I would like to be considered for the XXX Scholarship, YYY Scholarship and ZZZ Scholarship being offered. There are many good reasons to argue about my candidacy in deserving these scholarships. I have always been known as a dedicated and diligent worker having the ability to follow through with all the hard work required in accomplishing an objective. I am also not afraid of new challenges and very enthusiastic to learn. The scholarships would provide me not only an abundance of education to fulfil my career goals but also a channel to quench my thirst for knowledge. I also see myself as a person of persistence, self-discipline and creativity. These are the qualities which are essential in bringing my proposed research at the Department of Genetics to a successful conclusion.

On receiving the scholarships, apart from being able to reduce the financial burden on my family and me, it will also be a great motivation giving me courage, strength and pride to trudge towards my goals in life. As a citizen from a developing Commonwealth country, the scholarships will certainly enable me to achieve my career aspiration, from where I would be able to share my knowledge gained to benefit the future generations and help in the growth of my home country through scientific development. I believe in myself, and I envisage these scholarships would provide a firm future for me and subsequently mould me into a better person whom could make a difference in this world.

Thank you very much =)
1 2
Here's my harsh assessment: If I were judging, you wouldn't receive additional funding or grants. You didn't answer the questions in a clear and concise fashion. Moreover, you used more than 500 words.

If I were to paraphrase your entire letter, it would be this:

Like most people in the world, my family and I struggle to fund an expensive eduction. I am, however, a reasonably bright and wonderful person. Please provide funds so that I can achieve me my dreams. Oh, and by the way, I am from a Commonwealth country.

There, that took a lot less than 500 words.

What's wrong with your letter? It's vague with no specifics. Just like my four sentence paragraph. You need to write a hard-hitting, concise summary on why YOU DESERVE to be funded.

Here are some posts you should review. These posts will give you some ideas on the structure of your letter.

http://www.EnglishForward.com/content/lessons/motivation-letters-part-i.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/SampleLetterMotivationApplication-LetterUniversity/xpzpl/po...

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetterUniversityAbhinav-Gaur13/xqjzg/post.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetter/prrwb/post.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetter/xqdwq/post.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/ARevisedMotivationLetter/pzhgh/post.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetterForAPhD/2/phqcm/Post.htm

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/MotivationLetter/5/xqdwq/Post.htm

Good example:

http://www.EnglishForward.com/English/PleaseReviewMotivationLetter/pwcmp/post.htm
Dear MountainHiker,

Thank you verymuch for your comments! It's is a great enlightenment and I am really grateful for that!!

I am particularly bad in composing this kind of essay and I often can't realize the mistakes I make while i am the one writing it. Here I tried with some changes from my previous composition. Can you please review it again and let me know how I can improve it further? I still exceeded the word limits. I have tried to be less wordy but at this stage I still find it hard to meet the requirement especially with the specific terms I highlighted in blue. Can you plese give some suggestions to this matter as well?

I would like to be considered for the XXX Scholarship, YYY Scholarship and ZZZ Scholarship being offered by XXX Trust to fund my PhD studies at the Department of Genetics.

My career aspiration is to become a research scientist and this makes the post-graduate training in an accredited scientific institution an absolute necessity for me. However, my family are struggling with the current exigencies of my prospective education at Uni X due to the decreasing income.

Academically, I graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Biotechnology and recently a Master’s degree in Translational Neuroscience. During my first degree programme, I had a chance to carry out a 6-months research project designing a pair of primers amplifying a gene from a novel species of mussels. I had also taken up several internships to different medical laboratories in the country throughout the course. These experiences have provided me with considerable amount of hands-on biomedical research experiences and familiarized me with diverse research environments. Going further to my research-intensive Master’s programme, I was required to carry out a 5-months project research into motor neurone disease, during which I gained further experience on multiple cell biology methods, sharpened my analysis skills and built my confidence in working independently as research personnel. Upon my completion of this project, I successfully obtained a distinction in my Master’s degree.

I have previously been employed as a full-time laboratory technician in my home country, where I was responsible for the preparation of the laboratory practical classes for students as well as supervising laboratory assistants. I was also required to provide supervision and technical assistance to students in carrying out their research projects at various levels. From the job, not only I learnt to juggle different tasks and bringing them to a successful conclusion, my leadership ability has also flourished by acting as a supervisor to my fellow colleagues from different ethnicities. Besides, the job which covers a wide range of duties has equipped me with various skills ranging from basic lab techniques to operational skills on advanced laboratory instrumentation such as atomic absorption spectroscopy and HPLC.

Some of my personality traits have also established my candidacy in deserving these scholarships. I have always been known as a dedicated and diligent worker having the ability to follow through with all the hard work required in accomplishing an objective. This was commented on by both my project supervisors during my undergraduate and Master’s degree. I also see myself as a person of persistence and self-discipline as I have never failed to meet the many deadlines in my courses and professional duties. These are the qualities which are essential in bringing my proposed research at the Department of Genetics to a successful conclusion.

On receiving the scholarships, apart from being able to reduce the financial burden on my family and me, it will also be a great motivation giving me courage, strength and pride to exceed the expectations. As a citizen from a developing Commonwealth country, the scholarships will certainly enable me to achieve my career aspiration, from where I would be able to share my knowledge gained to benefit the future generations and help in the growth of my home country through scientific development.
Students: We have free audio pronunciation exercises.
Your letter is garbage. I am not even going to try to fix it. Instead, let's start with a fresh page.

In 500 words, demonstrate

-your financial need

- your academic ability and potential.

- why you think you should get the scholarship

- how you meet any specific requirements listed (well..I am from commonwealth country studying PhD and I need money.)

Use bullet points to answer the questions.

What is your financial need? Don't tell me about financial crisis and junk like that.

If it were me, I'd do something like this:

Our family owns a restaurant.

- family income: $Y dollars

- living expenses: $ Z dollars

- savings: $W dollars

To complete my education, I will require $K dollars. I expect to earn $L during my summer vacations.

Something like that. Now, I have an idea of your family situation. All the rest of the stuff about the Great Depression, Civil Wars, Insurrections, Crisis of 2008, Greek Brouhaha don't matter. Just cut to the chase.

Your academic ability and potential.

Tell me you're smart. Tell me what you studied, your GPA scores, and approximate ranking in the class. That's it. That's all I need to know.

Why you think you should get the scholarship

Here's your chance to shine. Don't screw it up.

What you want to do is highlight your personal attributes AND how you plan to use your personal attributes and education to benefit society.

How you meet any specific requirements listed (well..I am from commonwealth country studying PhD and I need money.)

What are the specific requirements? Commonwealth Country and poor doesn't get you a lot of brownie points. What other items can you check off?

So use bullet points to answer the questions. Then we'll assemble the paragraphs.

Your brief essay should be about one to one and half pages. That should be easy.

NOW, before I help you further, I want you to read those links in my previous message. I didn't put them there so that you could ignore them.
Thank you MountainHiker.

Right, I will try to answer the questions one by one. Hopefully it can help reconstructing the whole thing

My financial need:

- My father is a soon retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife with no income

- Family income even out the living expenses, hence left almost no savings

- previous education fundings are from government study loan and private loan from relative which I am in debt till now

-For the PhD study in the university, I need at least £30K for the tuition fees. There is no other way for me to gather such sum of money apart from the scholarships. The savings from my previous jobs can hardly do any help.

My academic ability and potential:

- My Master's degree is in Translational Neuroscience. I was graded as straight distinction with my research project. Only three of us in the batch achieved this grade. (For the "potential" part, is my grade reflective enough? Do I not need to mention about my research experiences?)

Why do i think I deserve the sholarship? (this is really tricky. My initial answer to myself is I DON'T KNOW!)

-i have met the academic achievement and I have stronger research background compared with my peers

-I am passionate about scientific research, and i am a dedicated person in carrying out long hours research work

-I am self -discipline and good in multitasking. Can see from the results obtained from my master's research (I obtained a reasonable conclusion from a research in such a short period of time)

-on return to my country, use my research knowledge gained from an advanced country to educate new generations of students and when i get enough experinces in research to be influencial enough I can potentially drive my government for more research fundings in neurosceince/genetics field

The specific requirement listed individually for those scholarships:

-I must be a citizen from a Commonwealth country

-My graduate studies must be at PhD level

-I need to demonstrate a financial need

I have read those links you sent to me. But perhaps I still couldn't catch the essence of those letters you showed to me. I'll try to read them over and over again. Meanwhile I have some questions:

It is not a motivation letter I was asked to write. Does it make any different in the structure of my essay? Instead of "I would like to apply for this scholarship. I would wish to study in this course in this university because..." (I am asked to explain this already in the other part of the application form), how should I start with this essay? How should i end the essay?

My only outstanding point compared with other is only my working experiences. I did not have any co-curriculum activities throughout my time as a student (I used all my time to work part-time). Do i then need to mention about my research background earned from my jobs in my essay?
Now we're getting somewhere. It's late here in Canada, so I don't have much time tonight. But let's see what we can do.

With regard to my prior links, it isn't the words, per se. Rather, it is the structure and clarity.

So with that, let's get started.


My financial need:

- My father is a soon retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife with no income

- Family income even out the living expenses, hence left almost no savings

- previous education fundings are from government study loan and private loan from relative which I am in debt till now

-For the PhD study in the university, I need at least £30K for the tuition fees. There is no other way for me to gather such sum of money apart from the scholarships. The savings from my previous jobs can hardly do any help.

My academic ability and potential:

- My Master's degree is in Translational Neuroscience. I was graded as straight distinction with my research project. Only three of us in the batch achieved this grade. (For the "potential" part, is my grade reflective enough? Do I not need to mention about my research experiences?)

Why do i think I deserve the sholarship? (this is really tricky. My initial answer to myself is I DON'T KNOW!)

-i have met the academic achievement and I have stronger research background compared with my peers

-I am passionate about scientific research, and i am a dedicated person in carrying out long hours research work

-I am self -discipline and good in multitasking. Can see from the results obtained from my master's research (I obtained a reasonable conclusion from a research in such a short period of time)

-on return to my country, use my research knowledge gained from an advanced country to educate new generations of students and when i get enough experinces in research to be influencial enough I can potentially drive my government for more research fundings in neurosceince/genetics field

The specific requirement listed individually for those scholarships:

-I must be a citizen from a Commonwealth country

-My graduate studies must be at PhD level

-I need to demonstrate a financial need
The stuff below is extremely rough.

The purpose of this letter is to apply for X, Y, and Z scholarships. (why are you writing?...answered) My career aspiration is to become W (you've told me...you'll have to write it in again).

I have earned/attained bachelor's and master's degree in X and Y respectively. During my studies, my GPA grades averaged near X and I was consistently amongst the top decile. I am determined to obtain my doctorate degree as the next step in my progression toward my goal.

I was born and raised to proud and industrious parents in Y Country. My father is a soon-to-be-retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife. While my parents are extremely proud of my accomplishments, they have only modest means and are not in a financial position to fund my university education. I am the first child in our family to have attained a college education (?).

Through my studies, I have demonstrated X, Y, and Z attributes/qualities. (I want you to tell them who you are. If you are going into the medical field...you probably want industrious, resourceeful, determined, caring, hard working, inquisitive and stuff like that. You want to demonstrate each adjective. Don't just tell them you are X. That's just empty words. Show them an example for each adjective. Keep it short and simple. Those links should give you some examples of how other students created their letters.

Next, a short paragraph what you will do with your life once you graduate.

-on return to my country, use my research knowledge gained from an advanced country to educate new generations of students and when i get enough experinces in research to be influencial enough I can potentially drive my government for more research fundings in neurosceince/genetics field

This explanation leaves me a bit cold. Another propeller head bashing away in a lab, soaking up society's precious resources. Instead, tell me how you plan to research something that will lead to something. Does your research have the potential to advance the understanding of cancer? stop/cure other diseases? In other words, how will society benefit from your research? e.g., I am passionate about learning the latest developments in neuroscience and genetics. I want be at the forefront where I can investigate blah blah blah and contribute knowledge to curing/understanding cancer/AIDs whatever. I believe that we are at a period where we will soon be able to tailer medications to match a patient's genetic make-up and her disease. Helping to cure (or contributing knowledge to help cure) others is a noble and diserable activity blah blah blah.

Then look at some of the previous letters where they talk about diversity, exceeding expectations, passion blah blah blah in the final paragraph. You can wrap your PhD and your contribution to the diversity.

You're done.

Keep your paragraphs short and sweet. In each paragraph, you have a mission that you want to communicate something important. Once that important information is communicated, stop. Then, move on to the next paragraph.

This letter is not a story. It's an exchange of information. They have asked you for specific information. Just provide the answers to their questions. And where you can pull on their heart strings, do so. You are the first from your family to attend university, tell'em. Tell'em about what your knowledge might contribute to your local university. Tell them how your achieving your goal will make the world a better place.

From their eyes, they have limited resources (time, money, and seats in a class). They want to leverage those resources as far as possible to advance society. While they are interested in your goals, they're more interested in theirs--that is, to advance the world. A mistake most students make is to tell the admissions folks how they, the students, will benefit. Of course, the students will benefit. However their interest in larger.

Does that get your started? Perhaps with this framework, those prior links will begin to make more sense.
Teachers: We supply a list of EFL job vacancies
Sorry for the late reply.

I must say i can never thank you enough for helping me in this and I really appreciate your patience in guiding me step by step and writng the comments. It does make more sense to me now looking at how you constructed the flow of the essay. I have used it and rewrite my essay again. Can you please help to review it fro me?

The purpose of this statement is to apply for the X Scholarship, Y Scholarship and Z Scholarship. My career aspiration is to become academic researcher in a university in my home country upon my completion of the PhD study at University of X

I have attained a Master's degree in Molecular Medicine at University of ABC. During my studies, I have demonstrated a consistent high academic accomplishment and passion for scientific research. I was consistently amongst the top docile and was honoured to be the only student in Neuroscience pathway to obtain a distinction with my research dissertation. I am determined to obtain my doctorate degree as the next step in my progression toward my goal.

I was born and raised to proud and industrious parents in ABC country. My father is a soon-to-be-retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife. While my parents are extremely proud of my accomplishments, they have only modest means and are not in a financial position to fund my university education. Previously I had taken up government education loans to fulfil my educational pursuits, which I am still in debt of until today.

Through my studies, I have demonstrated good time management skills and being self-discipline. I have never failed to meet the many deadlines of the coursework allocated to me in my courses. I also planned my schedule in carrying out the research and was able to present the desired results within a required time course. I have also established my leadership quality during my career life. One of the examples is my post as a laboratory technician in my previous university, during which I was assigned to act as a supervisor, overseeing fellow laboratory assistants with different ethnic backgrounds.

I am passionate about learning the latest developments in neuroscience and genetics. My proposed research in University of X will be looking at the molecular and cellular mechanisms leading to a series of neurodegenerative diseases. These diseases which include Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) are currently incurable. The research has the prospective to advance understanding of the pathogenesis of the disease and potentially uncover a cure in the near future. Previously I have been involved in a translational research of ALS and the hands-on experiences have solidified my resolves to be involved in the field in search of a remediation. I want to continue to be at the forefront where I can investigate the cause of the disease pathogenesis and contribute my knowledge to curing the devastating diseases.

Given my education and work experiences which have provided me with valuable insights needed to perform research, I am confident that I would be an excellent candidate to be one of the members of the University’s research team. My motivation and enthusiasm in biomedical research will sustain me in the PhD programme. I am certain that, if given a chance, I will exceed all the expectations required.
I am using Somolia as a place holder.

The purpose of this statement is to apply for the X Scholarship, Y Scholarship and Z Scholarship. My career aspiration is to become academic researcher in a university in my home country upon my completion of the PhD study at University of X

I would like to apply for Scholarship X, Y, and Z. My career aspiration is to become academic researcher at Somolia University in my home country upon my completion of my PhD study at University of X

I earned a Master's degree in Molecular Medicine at University of ABC. During my studies, I have achieved a consistent high grades/marks, consistently amongst the top decile (decile, right? I doubt you're docile) and was honoured to be the only student in Neuroscience pathway to obtain a distinction with my research dissertation.
As the next step in my progression toward my goal, I am determined to obtain my doctorate degree.

I was born and raised to industrious parents in Somolia. My father is a soon-to-be-retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife. While my parents are extremely proud of my accomplishments, they have only modest means and are not in a financial position to fund my university education. Previously I had taken up government education loans to fulfil my educational pursuits, which I am still in debt of until today. (this last sentence is a bit wordy. you also should specify the amount of debt you currently have, or give a range. the more specific your letter is, the better. Vagueness sucks.)

Through my studies, I have demonstrated good time management skills and being self-discipline. I have never failed to meet the many deadlines of the coursework allocated to me in my courses. I also planned my schedule in carrying out the research and was able to present the desired results within a required time course. I have also established my leadership quality during my career life. One of the examples is my post as a laboratory technician in my previous university, during which I was assigned to act as a supervisor, overseeing fellow laboratory assistants with different ethnic backgrounds. (This paragraph is dead. Meeting class deadlines is b-o-r-i-n-g.)

If I were you, I would try to say something like

- ambitious (started with humble beginnings and looking to be at the forefront of technology)

- determined

- focused

- leadership (then give me something more specific....

One of my roles as a graduate student was to lead several laboratory technicians who had different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. I was sometimes required to help explain and negotiate their roles/responsibilities as we completed our projects. (You want to provide more of a sense overcoming challenges, rather than just saying you oversaw people with different backgrounds.)

I am passionate about learning the latest developments in neuroscience and genetics. My proposed research in University of X will be looking at the molecular and cellular mechanisms leading to a series of neurodegenerative diseases. These diseases, (comma) which include Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), (comma) are currently incurable. The research has the prospective (you mean potential? Watch how many "potentials" you have. don't over use it.) to advance understanding of the pathogenesis of the disease and potentially uncover a cure in the near future. Previously I have been involved in a translational research of ALS and the hands-on experiences have solidified my resolves to be involved in the field in search of a remediation.(wordy...solidified my resolves?) I want to continue to be at the forefront where I can investigate the cause(s) of the disease pathogenesis and contribute my knowledge to curing these devastating diseases.

Given my education and work experiences which have provided me with valuable insights needed to perform research, I am confident that I would be an excellent candidate. I am certain that, if given a chance, I will exceed your expectations. (I removed useless clutter.)

Much, much better. Still more work needed.
Dear MountainHiker,

Sorry for this extremely late reply. I was caught up with some family matters over the weeks but I have not forgotten about my works on this statement. Here's another draft I wrote according to your corrections:

I would like to apply for Scholarship X, Y, and Z. My career aspiration is to become academic researcher at local university in my home country upon my completion of my PhD study at University of X.

I earned a Master's degree in Molecular Medicine atUniversityofABC. During my studies, I have achieved a consistent high marks, consistently amongst the top deciles and was honoured to be the only student in Neuroscience pathway to obtain a distinction with my research dissertation. As the next step in my progression toward my goal, I am determined to obtain my doctorate degree.

I was born and raised to industrious parents in Somolia. My father is a soon-to-be-retired construction worker and my mother is a housewife. While my parents are extremely proud of my accomplishments, they have only modest means and are not in a financial position to fund my university education. Previously I had taken up both government and private education loans to fulfil my educational pursuits. The amount of the loans is as much as 50,000 pounds sterling, which I am still in debt of until today.

I see myself as an ambitious person. I want to move forward and constantly seek for good progress in the duties assigned to me. As I work along I became more knowledgeable and acquired a much more informed view in my field. These have made me more determined in dedicating myself and allowed me to focus my energies and skills in the areas that are keys to be at the vanguard of technology. I am also able to demonstrate leadership. One of my roles as a laboratory technician was to lead several laboratory assistants who had different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. I was required to help explain and negotiate their responsibilities as we completed our daily duties and at times manage students’ conflicts in the laboratory.

I am passionate about learning the latest developments in neuroscience and genetics. My proposed research inUniversityofXwill be looking at the molecular and cellular mechanisms leading to a series of neurodegenerative diseases. These diseases, which include Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s and Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), are currently incurable. The research has the potential to advance understanding of the pathogenesis of the disease and possibly uncover a cure in the near future. Previously I have been involved in a translational research of ALS and the hands-on experiences have made me want to be involved in the field in search of a remediation. I want to continue to be at the forefront where I can investigate the causes of the disease pathogenesis and contribute my knowledge to curing these devastating diseases.

Given my education and work experiences which have provided me with valuable insights needed to perform research, I am confident that I would be an excellent candidate to be one of the members of the University’s research team. My motivation and enthusiasm in biomedical research will sustain me in the PhD programme. I am certain that, if given a chance, I will exceed your expectations.

I am not sure how to present a solid example of me being an ambitious person. Could you please enlighten me?
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.
Show more