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Hi guys , this is my first time posting in here .I'm in a program that prepares international high school students to apply for american universities .So i'm supposed to write a 500 words essay to :

Explain my financial situation and convince the committee that i'm a good condidate for the scholarship.
Describe how will studying in the USA will help me achieve my goals .
So if you could read it and tell me what you think :
‘Let’s address the choices we may have not necessary to choose one right now but to prepare to live these choices in a way that looking backwards someday we will not regret it and we will be capable of making new choice and we will still think that our life is fascinating’ this is a quote that I took a year ago from a movie called: Mr. nobody. A story that changed my pure image of the world, it shook up my pink concept of life. It made me realize that life is too short to make the wrong choices and once you've made one you won’t be able to come back on it.

I’ve lived all my little life in the same little city in a little quite family .We were four kids and Despite not going to universities or earning high degrees my parents gave us the gift of intelligence. We grew up in an academic and an open minded environment my Father was a contractor and my Mother was a high school principal but she left her job to raise us. I played Judo, soccer and Swimming.Growing up things started to get a little tougher as my sisters got into med school and my brother into the hydrocarbon and chemistry institute.

I want to be a computer engineer and because of my wide range of interests and passions I would like to immerse myself in another culture and deepen my personal and academic understandings. I envision for myself a career straddling the highest levels of the high-technology industry. I wouldn't be too cocky if I dreamed of Studying at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) or working side to side with Bill Gates or Steve Jobs because as David Starr Jordan said ‘Wisdom is knowing what to do next skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it’. And I believe that I have been wise enough to know what to do next, the *** is building my skills and showing me how to do it and the American education will help me reach the enough virtue to do it.

So here I’m today, convinced that I’m doing the right thing, I made the right choice: I want to study in the U.S.A. No matter how hard it seems or how impossible it may look I’m willing to go beyond my limits, explore all my potential to achieve my goals. First of all, because the American universities are constantly very high in world rankings and they offer top-notch education programs with highly qualified teaching staff . In the other hand, Studying is the U.S.A offers an endless study choice which gives international students various possibilities .Plus, America is a melting pot of people from all over the world. One will find most Americans to be very hospitable, friendly, kind, generous and accepting of foreigners.

That why I want to study in the U.S.A and be part of that environment to improve my existence and who knows maybe one day the world’s.
Comments  
No one ?!
You're not cocky, and no you're dream is not impossible to achieve. I've never studied in the USA but I'm pretty sure i'll be fun. But I think you'll need to learn to use punctuations before you head to USA for study. Punctuation is important in English because without punctuation, all your writing become a piece of gobbledygook that tells nothing because it is simply discombobulating. But from your writing, you seem to be able to master English quite well. You'll triumph one day, I'm sure.
Site Hint: Check out our list of pronunciation videos.


Red = notes

Blue/crossed out = removed

Bold = added in/changed





(Don't use ' for quotations unless they are inside other quotations) "'Let’s address the choices we may have not necessary to choose one right now but to prepare to live these choices in a way that looking backwards someday we will not regret it and we will be capable of making new choice and we will still think that our life is fascinating'." (This quote is a run-on sentence that is not grammatically correct. Plus, when you use quotes in essays, it's a good idea to blend it in.) tThis is a quote that I took a year ago from a movie called: Mr. Nobody. A It is a story that changed my pure image of the world,; it shook up my pink concept of life. (Don't overuse "it" at the beginning of sentences.) It This (put a good adjective here, like “ movie made me realize that life is too short to make the wrong choices, and once you've made one, you won’t be able to come back on it. (I suggest using a different phrase than "come back on it")

I’ve lived all my little life in the same little city in a little, quite quaint (or were you looking for "quiet"?) family. We were four kids and despite not going having gone (There's probably a better way to write this other than "having gone," but for sure "going" doesn't work because it doesn't match the tense. "Going" is present tense; you want past tense.) to universities or earning having earned (Like I said earlier, "having earned" sounds wrong, but "earning" is wrong too. Ask someone about this.) high degrees, my parents gave us the gift of intelligence. We grew up in an academic and an open-minded environment. My father was a contractor, and my mother was a high school principal, but she left her job to raise us. I played judo, soccer, and Swimming. (You don't play swimming, so swimming would work with the list of judo and soccer. I suggest putting it in its own sentence.) Growing up, things started to get a little tougher as ("as" suggests that your sisters and brother gradually went off to college, so I'm not sure if it works or not) my sisters got into ("got into" doesn't sound rightleft to med school and my brother entered into the hydrocarbon and chemistry institute.

I want to be a computer engineer and, because of my wide range of interests and passions, I would like to immerse myself in another culture and deepen my personal and academic understandings. I envision for myself a career straddling the highest levels of the high-technology industry. I wouldn't be too cocky if I dreamed of Studying at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) or working side to side with Bill Gates or Steve Jobs, because as David Starr Jordan said, "Wisdom is knowing what to do next skill is knowing how to do it and virtue is doing it." And I believe that I have been wise enough to know what to do next. , The *** (Umm... fill-in the blank?) is building my skills and showing me how to do it, and the an American education will help me reach the enough virtue to do it.

So here I am I’m today, convinced that I’m doing the right thing, and that I made the right choice: I want to study in the U.S.A. No matter how hard it seems or how impossible it may look, I am I’m willing to go beyond my limits, and explore all my potential to achieve my goals. First of all, because the One reason I want to study in the United States is that (Or choose a different way to start the sentence, because "First of all, because the" doesn't work and creates an incomplete sentence)American universities are constantly very high in world rankings, and they offer top-notch education programs with highly qualified teaching staffs . In the other hand, (On the other hand doesn't work here)Also, studying is the U.S.A offers an endless study choice which gives international students various possibilities. Plus, America is a melting pot of people from all over the world. One will find most Americans to be very hospitable, friendly, kind, generous and accepting of foreigners. (Flattery?)

That is why I want to study in the U.S.A and be part of that environment to improve my existence and who knows maybe, one day, the world’s.



Overall, it looks good for a scholarship essay. (I wouldn’t suggest it for a college admissions essay, though) Be careful with quotes. Keep them short, and don’t use too many. Plus, your Mr. Nothing quote doesn’t look quite right. Google it or something to get the precise quote. Also, I’m not sure you should use so many complementary adjectives to describe America, since it sounds a bit much. I’m afraid most Americans are not hospitable, friendly, kind, etc., along with the rest of the world. It sounds unrealistic and flattery. But, I guess one or two adjectives might help your point – just don’t make a list. Anyway, most of the mistakes are minor and fixable. Just make sure your essay is free of errors before you send it in. It’s pretty good, and I hope you get the scholarship!